Star Crossed Love
by bulletproofheart44
Summary: This story is a hetero sexual story of Gerard and the Character Johanna Falling in love and thier ups and downs. I made it in first person so you can read and make believe it is.
1. Chapter 1

*Beep, Beep, Beep* Goes my alarm. I groan and pull the covers over my head not wanting to move, when a big thud lands on my bed along with some panting. Why does he do this every morning? I peek my head out of the covers to see my Black and white Great Dane named Pickles, he was blessed that name because when he was a puppy he decided to get into a jar of pickles and eat the whole thing. He greats me with a huge wet kiss. "Okay, Okay, Okay I am up!" I say while laughing. I turn my alarm off and slip on a pair of my slippers and walk towards the back door and let Pickles out.  
The smell of coffee drifts towards me from my coffee maker, I poor a glass and put a piece of bread in the toaster. I hear the front door slam and look around the corner and see him.

"Hey babe!" He says giving me a kiss. "Last night was awful, 4 car wrecks, 3 drug over doses, and 3 gang related shooting and stabbings. I feel like I didn't have a moment to myself!"  
I take a sip of my coffee and reply "Well at least you have the next 2 days off! TGIF! The clinic is only open till 3:00 today!"

"Good, we can spend most of the afternoon and evening together and catch up on things" He says giving me a pat on my ass.

I let out a yelp and turn around and smile "Chad! Hopefully an emergency doesnt come in so we can" I kiss him on his cheek and walk back into the bedroom.

"Wanna go see a concert tonight?" Chad asks leaning against the doorway eating my piece of toast.

"Um, sure who?" I say pulling out some of my scrubs with paw prints all over them.  
"Some new band My chemical something, they are playing at a local bar my friends say they are really good"

"Sure why not? I havnt been to a concert in a long time" I say slipping my scrubs on.  
"Yeah you have, you took your niece to Britney Spears last week!"

"well that doesnt count! haha But I'd love to go. Im going to put my face on and do my hair and am gunna go to work now ok? Pickles is outside, there is left over pasta salad from last night for your lunch, if youre up in time I know those 12 hour shifts are hard on you"

"Alright babe, have fun at work, save some puppies life!"  
I smile and walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, my red hair is a mess and my makeup from the previous night is smeared. I clean that all up and walk out the door.

Driving to work I look at my surroundings, New Jersey is so beautiful and so green. I cant believe how well my life is going right now. I was just a poor girl living on the worst side of town In a small town in Colorado and now I am here in New Jersey with my own veterinary practice. My life could not be better.

I finish up my shift at 3:00 and head home. Once I get there I see Pickles on the front porch. Damn it! Chad didnt let him in and he jumped the fence AGAIN. I let him in and walk in after him, right there on the table is the pasta salad not cleaned up after he ate it, chips are on the floor, and the house smells like cigarettes. I turn the corner to the living room and see Chad laying on the couch playing video games.

"CHAD! WHAT THE F*CK!" I yell.  
He takes of his head set and looks at me  
"Hey babe whats wrong?"  
"Whats wrong? You forgot about pickles! He jumped the fence! You didnt clean up after you ate! The bed is a mess, there is trash on the floor!"  
"Jo chill out! I was gunna clean it up before you got home but lost track of time"  
"Lost track of time? Like you always do, playing your stupid video games! YOU ARNT 17 ANYMORE CHAD GROW UP!"

"Grow up? I have a Job, I work 12 hours shifts I pay bills that sounds pretty grown up to me!" He yells back.

"FAR FROM IT! YOU STILL SLEEPOVER AT YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE! GROW UP CHAD!" I yell and walk into the bedroom slam the door behind me, and let the tears flow. I hate him, I really do but at the same time I love him, I am just so confused. We have been together for 6 years now, I dont know any different but I want to leave him I just cant.

I hear a pounding at the bedroom door and he bursts in and gets in my face and squeezes my arm very hard "Listen here you little bitch! I am a grown ass man and I'll do what I want when I want! Got it!" he squeezes my arm a little harder and it hurts, tears burn behind my eyes.

"Chad you're hurting me"  
"Just like you hurt me with your words you dumb bitch!" He yells in my face. I move my arm out of his grasp, and thats when he slaps me. It burns the tears dont stay behind my eyes much longer.

"Dont you cry! Now get ready, the concert starts at 6:00 its already 4" he walks out the door and slams it behind him. I let the tears flow and grab my cheek with my hand, my arm is already starting to bruise where he had his grasp on me.

So he has anger issues? We all do, I love who is when he isnt angry, maybe I deserved it, I did yell at him pretty harshly. I lay on the bed and close my eyes for a while and just think. I hear a soft knock on the door and Chad comes in and sits next to me.  
"I'm sorry….I just lost it, I shouldnt have hit you it was wrong, I cleaned up for you" He says looking down at me. His big blue eyes show he is sad. He wipes a tear away and kisses me on the Lips.  
"I Love you Johanna I really do, with all my heart. Now its almost 5:15. Wanna get ready?"

I nod and get up and walk into the bathroom. My make up is smeared from the crying and my face is still red where he hit me. I re aply my make up and put on a half sleeve shirt with some skinny jeans. I walk out into the living room.

"Wow you look….beautiful!" Chad says picking me and twirling me and kissing me. I let out a small laugh. He grabs my hand and we walk out the door.

We walk into the Bar, its a higher class one. One with booths, glass tables and neon signs everywhere and in the center is a small stage crammed with guitars and a drum set. There are maybe 30 people here. We sit at a table close to the stage. The lights dim and on come 5 ragged looking men. One has a red afro, an other one is small and is wearing glasses, one is very short, and I cant really make out what the drummer looks like. I smile and wait on the stage comes an other one, his hair is longer and he is kinda pudgy but cute. He steps up to the microphone and says

"My Name is Gerard and this is My Chemical Romance!" He points to the drummer and they start to play. He bangs his head and begins singing. Not bad, a little screamy but not bad. Chad sitting next to me starts to bounce his knee and clap his hands with the rest of the crowd. The lead singer Gerard Looks at me and is still singing and wont stop. My hears is racing like it has never before. I look away and look back and he is still singing to me. "hand in mine into your icey blues"

I smile at him and he smiles back while still singing, still singing just to me. I feel myself blush. I think Chad notices because next thing I know my head is being turned forcefully and he is kissing me. The lead singer stops smiling and looks away and my heart returns to its normal pace. He doesn't look back at my for the rest of the show.

"Wanna see if we can meet them?" Chad asks helping me out of my chair.  
"Um yeah sure"  
The band is cleaning up when we walk up to the stage. The drummer is taking his symbols off, the guitarist wrapping up their cords and grabbing their amps, while Gerard is sitting on one of the amps drinking a beer, he doesnt see us approaching.

"Hey man! Nice show!" Chad says.  
Gerard Looks up at Chad and smiles at him.

"Thanks means a lot to me that you say that" Gerard says taking a sip of his beer.  
He then looks from Chad to me, and my heart rate picks up again, he smiles as if he knows what he is doing to me.


	2. Chapter 2

My heart is fluttering. I've never had something like this happen to me. Gerard smiles and laughs and shakes his head, which then irritates me.  
"Johanna say something to him, unless you are star struck" Chad says with a nod and a nudge to me.  
"Oh believe me I am not star struck by any means, and I think Brittney Spears put on a better concert than this guy did" I say putting a smile on my face and staring at Gerard.  
Gerard chokes on a drink of his beer  
"Excuse me?" He says irritated.  
"She didn't mean it, I think she has had a bit too much to drink tonight, sorry bro" Chad says taking a step between me and him.  
"I have only had one beer, and that is not enough to get me drunk, I meant what I said" I say pushing Chad out of the way.  
Gerard stands up and steps toward me and looks deep into my eyes, I feel like I am going to puke my heart is racing again. He laughs again and shakes his head.  
"oh yeah she is for sure a keeper here! Ha Ha don't know how many of these I'd have to drink to be able to put up with her" He says holding up his beer to my face.  
I shove it out of my face making the bottle shatter on the ground. He glares at me, sending chills down my spine. I have never felt this way before, is he making me angry? Happy? Sad? I don't know, and I don't know if I like either.

"I am so sorry! I don't know what is up with her but we will be going, nice show though!" Chad says grabbing my arm and pulling me away. HE squeezes me arm again making it more sore, tears pool in the corner of my eyes.

"What is wrong with you?" Chad screams at me while we walk back to the car  
"I…I…I don't know, he was looking at me weird and I didn't like it" I say trying to keep up pace with him.  
"He was looking at you weird so you went psycho on him?" He yells making his grasp tighter on my arm.  
"Yes, it doesn't sound right I know but I didn't like it. I don't like him, let me express myself for once Chad!" I say yanking my arm away from him. He stops and looks at me with angry eyes.  
"Walk your ass home, you've been moody all day!" and he stops off leaving me behind. I just stand there with hand rubbing my right arm where he had grabbed. I lift up the sleeve and see it is black and blue, I wince when I touch it.

I start to walk back to the bar so I can make a phone call to get a cab. When I reach the bar I look at the stage and see it is empty and one of the bartenders is cleaning up the glass.  
"What can I get you hun?" a man on the other side of the bar asks.  
"I need a cab, and get me beer" The bartender nods and grabs me a beer then calls a cab.  
"Should be here in about 10 minutes or so" the man says cleaning off the counter.  
I nod and take a sip of my beer and look down at my feet.

"You owe me on of those you know" A voice to the left of me says. I look over and see it is Gerard. My heart jumps up into my throat. He lights a cigarette and blows the smoke in my direction.  
"I'd rather not get lung cancer so please go smoke that cancer stick somewhere else please" I say through coughs.  
"Oh sorry it is bothering you" he says taking another drag and blowing the smoke in my direction.  
What a jerk! I grab my beer and move to the other end of the bar. He is still sitting there smoking his cigarette and ordering beer. He looks over at me again and sends chills through out my body. Why is this happening? I have never felt like this before. I don't know if this is good or bad. I don't think I have ever felt like this before. He gets up from his bar stool puts out his cigarette and walks towards me and sits next to me again.  
"No cigarette this time" He says showing me both of his hands.  
"Still doesn't mean I want you sitting next to me" I say turning my shoulder to him.  
"Not to fond of you either princess, where did your boyfriend go?" He asks taking a drink of his beer. How many has he had any way?  
"He thinks I need to walk home and think about what I have done because I have been really moody lately" I say chugging the rest of my beer.  
Gerard laughs spitting out some of this beer. He whipes his chin, "Well you are moody, but I would never let someone as beautiful as you walk home in this neighborhood"  
Did he really just say that? My body goes numb and I let out a nervous laugh, "I am no where near beautiful" I say looking down at the ground.  
He laughs again "So moody and dumb" he takes another drink of his beer.  
"I am by no means dumb I have my very own veterinary practice that is the most successful in town thank you very much!"  
Gerard laughs "You don't look like the doctor type"  
"Well I am, not a human doctor an animal doctor" I say looking back up at him. His eyes are staring deep into mine again, I get chills and goose bumps. He laughs again taking one last drink of his beer.  
"So tell me, why do you not like my music? Why do you not like me?"  
I sigh and laugh "Your music is alright would sound better if you all weren't drunk, I don't like you because your ego is too big for this room" I say pointing around the bar. "Why don't you like me?" I ask looking back at him.  
"I don't Like you because you said Brittney Spears was better than me and you slapped a beer out of my hand." Gerard says signaling the bartender for another beer.

"Sorry I said that I've been stressed lately" I look around for a clock and see 10 minutes has already passed. Now where is that damn cab?

"I hear ya, life is stress though you just have to move on" Gerard says passing one of the 2 beers he ordered to me. I gladly take it.  
"Thank you, and what is so hard about being a rock star? You probably get laid almost every night, you get drunk almost every night" I say taking a big gulp of my beer.

"You're welcome, and it isn't all that easy. Finding gigs to play, practicing, trying to stand out in the crowd so you have a shot at being something" he twirls his beer and then looks in front of him staring at the wall.

Just as I am about to respond the bartender comes over, "Hey hun your cab is here"  
I get up with my beer and turn to Gerard "It was nice talking to you, I hope you get a record deal soon, you guys are really good" I turn around and walk out the door. I see the cab and just as I am about to get in another person comes up from behind me and gets in. It is Gerard

"Um excuse me? This is my cab!" I say pointing to the cab driver.  
"Hey I need a ride home too can't we just share?" Gerard says looking up at me through his sweat dried hair. I get chills again. Damn it why does this keep happening? I sigh and close his door and get in on the other side.

"Fine we can share but I am not paying for your share, just mine" I say glairing at him again. He laughs and touches my leg. It goes numb along with the rest of my body  
"But I spent the last of my money buying you that beer" He point to my hand.  
"Fine, whatever I'll pay but you owe me!" I say taking money out of my purse.

"Where to?" The cab driver asks in his thick Italian accent. I give him my address and he drives away from the curb.

Most of the car ride is silent until Gerard lights up a cigarette.  
"Um no!" I say grabbing it from his hand and rolling down the window.  
"Great way to relieve stress" He says pulling the box out and grabbing an other.  
I look at the lit cigarette in my hand. Flash backs of high school and all the kids smoking thinking they were cool. But then again, it could really relieve my stress. I have never tried smoking before. I shrug and take a drag from the cigarette and begin choking on the smoke. Gerard begins laughing so hard he grabs his stomach.  
"You are how old and this is just now your first cigarette? "  
I finish coughing and hold my chest  
" I am 23, and no I have never smoked because I have never needed too until I got out of college!" Gerard calms down from his laughing fit and says. "Well, do you feel stressed now?" come to think of it, I don't. Since I have been with him I have not felt stressed.  
"No…not mentally but my body is pretty stressed now from all the coughing!" Gerard laughs, "Here you smoke like this" He holds the cigarette up to his lips and inhales holds the smoke in his body for about 10 seconds then blows it out. I repeat this process and I don't have a big coughing fit this time.  
"There ya go never thought I would have to teach someone how to smoke before" he says laughing and taking a drink of his beer. I finish the cigarette and I do feel a lot calmer. But I don't know if that is because he is around me or the cigarette, maybe it is a little bit of both. We pull up to my house. Gerard flicks his cigarette out the window and looks at my house.  
"Damn! Nice house well compared to mine any way"  
"Thanks" I hand the cab driver a 70 bucks. "For mine and his, whatever is left keep the change" The cab driver looks back at me with wide eyes. "Thank you! Thank you so much!" I step out of the car and walk to the other side. Gerard looks up at me again.  
"Thanks for paying you are sweetheart" I laugh and try to shake the chills he was giving me.  
"No problem well I'll see you around" I say waving to him and walking up to my door. I hear the cab drive off and sigh. I sit on the steps of my house and put my hands over my face. What just happened? I have NEVER gotten that feel about anyone before. Not even Chad. Speaking of which I had to go in and face him. I sigh and go up to the door. When I open the door I am shocked to see 3 dozen roses and chocolates on the coffee table in the living room. Chad comes sprinting in from the kitchen.  
"I'm so sorry I made you walk! I went back to find you and you weren't there! I'm sorry!" He says pulling me to him and hugging me. He pulls away and looks up at me. "Forgive me?"  
I smile and look at the Roses and chocolate. "You are forgiven" He smiles picks me up and twirls me giving me a kiss.

The next day I wake up to a pounding on my door along with the door bell. Pickles is going crazy barking. I sigh and roll out of bed. Chad who is a heavy sleeper didn't seem to notice a thing. I put on my purple fuzzy slippers and go to the door. It is 8:00 AM. Who the hell could be here? I undo all the locks and grab pickles by the collar before opening the door. I open the door and my heart stops. Gerard is standing on my front porch holding a new black kitten.


	3. Chapter 3

Gerard is standing there with a new kitten in his arms.

"Gerard! What the hell are you doing here?" I yell pulling Pickles into the house and leading him toward the back door. I put pickles outside and he starts his barking again. It is on my way back to the door I glance at myself in the reflection of the microwave. My hair is a mess and my makeup is smeared. I look like someone from night of the living dead.

"Wow, that is a huge dog!" He says walking up to the back glass door.

"Yeah he is a Great Dane one of the biggest dogs, but what the hell are you doing here?" I say patting my hair down.

"That isn't going to do much for your hair, what did you do? Let two squirrels have sex in your hair while you were sleeping?" He says laughing.

"Shut up! Now what are you doing here?" I ask again.

"Sorry. Well I went home last night and I saw this poor little guy by a trash can meowing so I picked him up, he grew on my so I decided to keep him!" He says petting the cute black kitten in his arms.

"Okay? Good for you? Why are you here?" I say going over to the coffee maker and turning it on.

"Well you said you are a vet and well I just wanted to make sure little Batman here is in good condition" Gerard said baby talking the last part. I couldn't help but smile at him and this small kittle in his arms. He looks up at me and makes direct eye contact, my heart goes faster now and I get a little shakey. I don't know why this is happening, I need him to leave.

"Okay well my clinic is open on Monday 8am-5pm. Come by then, ask for me and I'll see little Batman" I say walking toward the front door hoping to lead him out. When I feel a touch on my shoulder sending chills through out my body.

"But I want to make sure he is in good health now, I don't want him to die on me this weekend" He says in a pleading tone. I turn around and look at him, and feel an instant spark I've never felt before, Gerard pushes some of his long hair out of his eyes and smiles a crooked smile.

"Fine, let me get my stethoscope and thermometer" I say walking back into my bedroom. Chad is still dead asleep. I get into my drawer and pull out my stethoscope and thermometer and walk back into the living room." Alright well lets go into the kitchen. "

Gerard follows me into the kitchen Batman lets out a few meows and Pickles is still barking up a storm.

"Well let me see him" I say grabbing the kitten from Gerard's arms. The cat is nice and warm from being held against him. I put my stethoscope in and place it to the kittens chest abdomen and back area.

"Everything sounds good and normal" I say wrapping the stethoscope around my neck. I get out the thermometer and take the kittens temperature.

"That's all normal as well"

I check the kittens teeth, and say "Well his teeth are showing me that he is about, 8-10 weeks old" Batman begins purring as soon as I am done and rubs up against me. I smile and pick him up and cuddle him against my chest. He purrs even louder and I laugh petting him some more.

"What is going on in here?" I turn around and see Chad shirtless with his pajama bottoms on looking from Gerard to me.

"Hey Babe, sorry Gerard rescued this cat last night and brought him by to make sure he was okay and in good health" I look at Gerard who went from smiling to a straight look.

"How did you know where we lived?" Chad asks Gerard.

"We shared a cab last night" Gerard looks at the ground and shuffles his feet.

"Oh, okay. Well I'm glad you guys made up, but um babe Im running about an hour late I am going to get dressed and leave ok?" Chad says coming over and giving me a kiss on the cheek. I glance over at Gerard and see he has an angry look on his face, I can't help but smile.

"Oh this little guys is cute! Glad you saved him" Chad says petting Batman then walking into the bathroom. Moments later I hear the shower.

I do a nervous laugh and hand Batman back to Gerard.

"He is in good health, I can't give the shots here so you will have to come in and have me give them to him"

"Alright I'll do that then first thing Monday. Thanks" He says pulling Batman closer to him.

I begin to walk towards the front door "Okay I'll see you Monday then" I say opening the front door.

"Mind if I have a smoke before I head back?" He says pulling out a cigarette and a lighter.

"Um sure, go ahead" I say sitting on the front step of the porch. Gerard sits next to me placing Batman in between us. He pulls out another cigarette. "Want one?" I hesitate then remember the feeling from yesterday. I shrug again and grab the cigarette and lighter from him and light up. I inhale the smoke and feel my body relax. I smile and let the smoke out.

"So you're from Colorado?" Gerard asks taking another drag.

"Yeah, um how did you know that?"

"I saw the pictures of you at Mile High Stadium" he says blowing the smoke out.

"Oh that was taken with my brother last summer" I say taking another drag of my cigarette.

"Why did you move so far away to Jersey?" He asks scooting closer to me. I started to feel all tingly again.

"Well, I graduated High School early, and got into vet school. After I graduated that a year early my uncle got really sick with Pancreatic cancer and I moved out here for the last 5 months of his life to help out, I inherited his money and well just started my practice up right here. He always told me too. He said the animals here are friendlier than back home" I say laughing remembering him. Gerard laughs "You really love animals then don't you?" He picks up Batman and cuddles him up against his chest. I let out a small laugh

"Yeah, I grew up in a neighborhood where there was nothing but old people and I only had my dogs to play with so they were my best friends, I've wanted to be a vet ever since" I smile and think back to my childhood days.

"Hey hun Im leaving" I turn around to see Chad dressed in his Paramedic uniform on. I smile. His curly brown hair is messy and his bright blue eyes look down at me. He really is handsome and I do love him.

"Are you smoking?" He asks pointing to my cigarette.

"No she was holding mine while I pet Batman" Gerard says reaching over and grabbing my cigarette and taking a drag. Lucky cigarette. Oh my gosh I did not just think that! I blush at my own thought.

"Oh okay well have fun!" He bends down and give me a kiss and walk toward his truck. I smile watching him walk away. I look back at Gerard and the feeling is replaced with nervousness again. Gerard rolls his eyes and hands me back my cigarette. I take a drag, realizing I just put my mouth on something he put his mouth on also. I get butterflies. What is wrong with me? I have a boyfriend of 6 years that I love very much why is this happening! Gerard laughs as if he knows what I am thinking.

"What?" I say blowing the smoke in his direction.

"Nothing" He says smiling to himself. I shrug it off to him being weird and finish off my cigarette.

"Well cigarettes are done you should head home" I say getting up. Gerard grasps Batman in his hand.

"Listen, I have no life until 8:00 tonight when I do another show, you wanna go get coffee or lunch?" He asks moving his hair out of his eyes again. I smile and get butterflies again. Is this really happening?

"Um sure I am off for the day, just let me get ready?" I ask. He nods and we head back into the house.

I go into my room and sit on my bed and stare at the wall. I don't know what was going on with me, I love Chad, I love Chad, I love Chad! But If I really did Love him, why was I getting butterflies, sweaty palms and chills whenever Gerard a man I just met yesterday was around me? I get up and look through my dresser and find a tank top a and a pair of capris. I get dressed and walk into the bathroom and see my red hair looks more like a fireball on top of my head. I brush it out and pull it back into a pony tail and put on some light makeup. Before I walk out I do a once over of myself and notice my upper right arm is black. I forgot about the bruise. I touch it and let out a small yelp. I go back into my room and grab another half sleeved shirt and walk out the bedroom room and see Gerard playing with Batman. Gerard looks up at me and his eyes get big and he takes a big swallow.

"Well lets go then, I have a crate we could put batman in while we go out" I say walking towards him. He hands me batman and I notice his hands are shaking. I laugh and put Batman in a little crate I have.

"Im going to let Pickles in, I'll meet you outside he gets really excited around strangers, I don't know if you want to be here when he gets excited" I say laughing. Gerard nods and walks out the front door. I let him in and walk out the front door. Gerard stands there with his keys in hand.

I look around and See a beat up red Chevy car. We walk towards it and get in. It smells like cigarettes and beer and there is trash on the floor.

"Sorry about the mess" he says starting the car. He pulls out another cigarette and hands me one too. I take it again and light up.


	4. Chapter 4

We get to a small little restaurant/ grind. I have never even heard or seen this place. We walk in and sit down. "You come here often?" I ask. Gerard nods.

"I do most of my drawing here"

"You draw?"

"Yeah just comics and stuff nothing big, I was working for a comic section in the New York paper but quit. Wasn't happy with what I was doing with my life so I started a band" he says lighting another cigarette. He offers me one again but I deny this one. A young waitress comes by "Hey Gerard! Do you want your usual?" Gerard nods. "and how about you?" she asks looking at me. "I'll just have your special" I say handing her the menu. She takes it and skips off.

"So you want to come to my show tonight?"

"Um sure why not?" I say looking at the art work around the restaurant. I look back at him and he has a kiddish smile on his face. My heart starts pounding again, when our food comes.

"Wow that was fast" I say looking at the club sandwich in front of me

Gerard has the same thing to and takes a bite into it.

"So tell me why did you become a musician what wasn't going right in your life?" I ask taking a bite of my sandwich. Gerard finishes chewing and replies

"9-11, I saw the bodies falling, people running and screaming, made me realize how short life really was, and made me want to do bigger and better things" Gerard takes a sip of his coffee and looks at me waiting for a response only I don't really know how to respond to that.

"Well I am glad some good came of it" I say

"Yeah me too" Gerard says smiling and taking another bite of his meal. We both finish the rest of the meal in silence. I have honestly never felt this comfortable around someone before. Gerard looks up and stares into my eyes and my heart is pounding at its fastest. He just keeps staring, I start to shake and he laughs and looks away.

"Wanna ditch this place and go somewhere else?" Gerard asks standing up.

"Um yeah sure, but where?" I ask just staring up at him.

"How about we just walk?" He says heading for the door.

"Hey arnt you going to pay?" I ask. Gerard turn around and looks to the cashier stand at the front of the restaurant.

"The owner owes me, we will be fine" He says gesturing for us to go. So I stand up and walk out with him. I have to walk very fast to keep up with his pace. He just keeps walking and doesn't tell me where we are going until we get to a park.

"wanna sit and have a smoke?" He asks. I look around and notice the swings are empty. My inner child comes out and I can't help but say "Race you to the swings!" I say taking off my flip flops and sprinting towards the swings.

"Wait!" I hear Gerard call after me but I keep running and laughing when I feel a tug behind me and I am pushed back and Gerard gets in front of me. I smile and run again and yell "Cheater!" I soon pass him up and get to the swings before him. He is huffing and puffing by the time he gets to the swings. I laugh and stick my tongue out at him.

"what are you 7?" He asks still out of breath.

"Nope! Just faster than you!" I put my flip flops back on and sit on the swing. Gerard sits next to me. I look over at him and he is smiling a crooked smile again. He pulls out a lighter and a cigarette and lights up and hands me one. I take it and light up too filling my lungs with smoke. I just feel so relaxed and at peace with him. Why I don't know.

"So how long have you been with this Chad guy?" Gerard asks digging his feet into the sand below us.

"6 years" I say inhaling more smoke.

"Ah so you must really love him then" He says in a monotone voice.

"Yeah…I do" I say questioning myself as the words come out.

"What about you? You must have plenty of girls just coming after you, there has to be one special girl" I say but really hoping he says no. Why? I have no idea.

Gerard lets out a laugh "No, there hasn't been anyone special ever, but recently I've been seeing this girl and I don't know why she just makes me, feel different ever since I first saw her ya know?" he says looking directly at me. I let out a nervous sigh/laugh. I can't believe he likes someone else, damn! Wait why I am thinking this? I have a boyfriend of 6 years that I am madly in love with!

"Well that's good I am glad! Maybe we can double date some time!" I say taking a drag.

"Now that would be interesting" he says with a laugh. I laugh too not knowing why I laugh. I finish off the rest of my cigarette.

"Bet you anything I can swing higher than you!" I say starting to push myself on the swing.

"Really? This again?" He says laughing finishing off his cigarette too and starts to swing with me. I can't help but laugh as we swing higher and higher and neither can he. The cool air hits my face and pushes my hair loose hair back. I close my eyes and for a second I pretend I am flying.

Gerard and I both stop laughing and out of breath from swinging so long and fast.

"I so went higher than you!" I tease

"You did not I did!" He says laughing back at me.

We get off the swings and start walking back towards his car. This time we walk side by side. I can feel the electricity between us, and I can't wait to get back to the car and make it go away. We get back into his car and we both light up another cigarette.

We get back to my house and Gerard rushes straight to the crate and lets Batman out baby talking him. I just laugh and watch when the phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Dr. Retorio?" A panicked voice on the other says. .

"Yes this is she?" I say with a curious tone.

"It is Angela! Listen there was a hit by car dog, its bleeding internally, and I know I am the one on call this weekend but I don't know what to do, you are the one with the best surgery skills I don't know if I can do this" Angela says Panicked. Angela is a newly graduated Vet. She is very good and very smart…just not when it comes to surgery.

"Angela! Calm down okay? I'll come down and do the surgery okay? Just get the dog ready I'll be down there in about 15 ok?" I say calmly. I can hear her sigh on the other end.

"Okay! Thank you!" She says and hangs up. Gerard looks at me with a sad look.

"Hey sorry but I have to go, dying dog needs to me saved!" I say placing my fists on my hips making me look like Superman. Gerard laughs.

"Okay well you gotta do what you gotta do, I'll just see you at my show? Same place, but at 8:00" He says with a hope full smile. I nod.

"I'll see you then" I go into my room and change into a pair of scrubs and walk out to see Gerard is still standing in my kitchen.

"Sorry I wanted to see what you looked like all Dr'd up" His eyes go from the top of my head to my feet.

I turn my head sideways and laugh.

"ok? But I have to run I'll see you later!" I say heading for the door. Gerard Follows. I close the door behind us. And head for my car as he does the same.

"wait!" Gerard says jogging after me with Batman in his arms. He reaches over and gives me a hug.

I go numb, and my legs shake. I take in his scent this is the first time I have been this close to him, it is a mixture of cinnamon and soap. He smells like heaven.

"Thanks for helping me today!" He pulls away and looks into my eyes again and hold the stare. His hands shake and he walks away. I watch him leave. He has a cute butt…..stop! I have a boyfriend that I am madly in love with! I tell myself and get into my car.

3 hours and lots of blood later the surgery is over and the dog is recovering nicely. I go into my office and sit down taking a deep sigh. That was very stressful and I can't help but think I need a cigarette . Angela walks into my office.

"Thanks so much for helping! I was just so nervous…" She trails off,

"It is okay" I say looking up at her. She is very pretty. Black hair with blonde streaks and light makeup she could be a model .

She walks over and picks up a picture of me and Chad in times square about a year ago.

"You're so lucky" she says sighing at the picture. "I'd do anything to have a love like that" she set the picture down and sits on the chair across from me.

I sigh "It isn't as good as you think." I say looking at all the pictures of Chad and I.

"What do you mean? You have been together 6 years, you are obviously going to get married and have kids and be happy. I've seen you guys together, nothing can separate you two" She says aweing at the pictures. I let out a sarcastic snort.

"If we are so perfect together then why the hell am I feeling things that I have never felt before for a guy I just met last night?" I cover my mouth as I say it. I can not believe I just said that.

Angela looks at me. "Oh my gosh really?" She says in a giddy school girl voice.

I start to blush and she notices. "Dr. Retorio it is okay you can talk to me, your secrets are safe with me" She says. I sigh. Who else am I going to talk too? I really don't have any other friends and if I told my mom she would be so upset, she loves Chad.

I sigh. "Fine. I met this guy Gerard last night, from the moment he looked at me, my heart stopped. He gave me chills. We fought at first, but then we rode home together in a cab, he came over today we went to have lunch we played in the park like two 7 year olds. And I havnt been happier, her makes my body go numb and sends chills through my body just by one look" I say all in one breath feeling relieved that I said all that. Angela just sits there and takes it all in.

"Wow….that sounds like love at first sight. Same thing happened with my parents, they were both dating other people thought they were in love but the moment they saw each other they knew they really wernt in love" She says with a twinkle in her eye. I laugh.

"I just…I don't know . I don't even know him! " I say. Angela giggles.

"Love doesn't need a reason to happen it just does." I sigh at her comment and wonder.

I get home at 6:00 and see Chad is home. I walk in and see him sitting on the couch. I walk in and close the door behind me.

"Where were you?" He yells getting up from the couch.

"I was at the clinic there was an emergency surgery I had to do" I say placing my keys on the table.

"And you didn't let me know? I was worried sick you got raped or murdered by that Gerard freak!" My heart twinges when he calls him a freak.

"I'm sorry okay?" I walk away from him and into the kitchen. He grabs my arm in the same spot squeezing again, tears fill my eyes.

"Don't you ever do that again!" He screams.

"Chad I am a grown women! I'll do what I want when I want to!" I say pulling my arm away from him. Next thing I know I feel a stinging on my face. Chad looks blankly at me, then rushes out the door. I hold my hand up to my cheek and feel the burning, I let the tears flow.

I am so done with him! I hate him! I don't love him! I fall onto the bed and begin crying hysterically just wishing I had something to comfort me when I feel a thud on the bed and my face is being washed off by a giant tongue. I push Pickles off and he lays besides me and puts his head on my stomach. At least he is here to comfort me. I lay there for a while and get up to get ready to go see Gerard play like I promised. I go into the bathroom and see my face is still swollen and is turning blue. I grab my cover up and begin to put it on by the palm full. After I am done I change into a pair of black pants and a long sleeve shirt and wear my hair down curling it. I hear a knock at the bedroom door.

Chad comes in holding a box in his hands and a piece of paper in the other. He hands me the box first. I open it and see a diamond necklace, I gasp at it and look at him.

"I know…I have a problem I was just so worried about you, then you go attitude with me and I lost it. So that is also why I have this" He hands me a piece of paper that shows he signed up for anger management classes. I sigh and look up at him. His big blue eyes pierce my heart, but they don't make me go numb or feel tingly like Gerard's do. I get the thought out of my head. I love Chad, look he is trying to be a better person, he is getting help….

Chad leans down and kisses me and I kiss back.

"I love you Johanna, more than you know" He takes the necklace out of the box and puts in on me. I look in the mirror and admire how it catches the light. I smile.

"So where are you going?" Chad asks.

"Out to a movie with Angela, she asked me to go see one with her tonight" I lie.

"Oh okay, well have fun, I will be here when you get back." He kisses my swollen cheek and I wince from the pain.

I get to the bar and see the stage is set up and ready to go. I sit at the closest table and order a beer. And wait. The band comes on one at a time, Gerard is last and he looks straight for me and smiles.

1 hour and 4 beers later the show ends. I stand and clap and Gerard smiles and look at me again sending chills. After everyone has left he comes up to me smiling from ear to ear.

"What did you think?" He asks excitedly .

"Very good!" I say taking a big drink of my beer. He smiles and looks at the 4 empty bottles on the table.

"wow you're getting after it tonight!" Gerard says laughing. I laugh too.

He steps closer to me and looks me in the eyes again, and I can't tell if it is the beer or him, but I feel like the room is spinning. He stops smiling and looks at me with a serious look.

"What the hell happened to your face?" I put my hand up to my face and feel it is even more swollen. Quick think of a lie.

"The dog was pretty big, trying to put him under was hard, he lifted his head and smacked me in the face pretty hard I guess now it is worse than I thought" I lie. His face becomes calm and he believes me.

" I have something that can help with that" He says reaching into this pocket and pulls out a white pill from a prescription bottle.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Just a pain reliever I take it all the time" He says placing it into my hand. I shrug and trust him and take the pill with a drink of my beer. He smiles at me and goes up to the bar, I follow. He orders us shots of vodka and gets out cigarettes for us. I gladly take one and begin to relax after I smoke it.

"So how was the surgery?" He asks.

"Good the dog survived" I say smiling.

"Great!" He says excited. The shots come and we take them, Gerard orders two more for us plus beers.

" So where did you get the new bling?" He asks pointing to my neck. I forgot I had the diamond necklace on.

"Chad gave it to me today" I say touching it.

"Wow, well it must have cost him a lot" Gerard says staring at it with envy.

"That it did" The bartender brings us our shots and more beers. By now I am feeling the best I have ever felt in my life.

"I feel soooooooooo good right now" I saw smiling from ear to ear. Gerard laughs and moves his hair out of his eyes.

"Me too!" he says laughing. He puts his hand on my leg and I go numb and I know its from him, not the drugs or the alcohol and this time I kind of like it.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up the next morning in my bed with no memory of what happened the night before. I spring out of bed and see that it is 3:00 in the afternoon.

"Good morning sunshine" I turn around and see Chad standing in the door way. He is holding a glass of water and some Tylenol, I gladly take them realizing the pounding in my head.

"What happened last night?" I ask swallowing the pills.

"You don't remember?" Chad asks grabbing the empty cup from my hand.

"No idea" I respond massaging my head.

"well You called last night at around 3:00 am, and said you and Angela went to the bar after the movie and got drunk and you couldn't drive home so I cam and picked you up. You came home, puked for an hour then passed out on the bed." He says pointing to the bed.

I close my eyes and think of my last memory of last night. The last thing I remember was Gerard putting his hand on my leg and me going numb that was around 10:00. I had 5 hours of memory that I could not remember. Chad coughs and it snaps me back to reality I had to play along with this lie.

"That's right! Now I remember. That Angela sure knows how to drink!" I say laughing. Chad smiles back too and gives me a big kiss and pushes some of my hair out of my eyes.

"Well I'm glad you had fun. You deserve it, but um babe where is the necklace I gave you?" He says pointing to my neck. I feel around my neck. It is gone and I start to panic, quick I must think of something.

"Oh! I left in the glove box of my car. I didn't want to go into the bar and have someone rob me" I lie. Chad sighs in relief.

"Okay good" He brings me into a close hug. "I love you Johanna, more that you will ever know, I don't know what I would do without you" my heart starts beating fast and a smile comes to my lips and I pull him closer to me.

"I love you too Chad" This time I say it and mean it. Chad Pulls away and takes a step back walking into the living room. I sit down at the end of the bed and stare at the floor. What happened last night? I try to remember anything from last night, but all I see when I close my eyes is Gerard and I laughing at the bar then he whispers something and we go somewhere I just don't know where. I take off my shoes and socks and see something written in black sharpie it says "Chances are you wont remember shit from tonight so walk 3 blocks south, turn on Highland Avenue and meet me at the swings by 3:30" I look at the clock and it reads 3:17. Crap! I have to get ready. I put on some new clothes and put one some make up. The clock now reads 3:22. That has got to be the fastest I have ever gotten ready. I walk into the living room and see Chad watching tv.

"Hey I am going to go on a walk, see if that will make me feel any better okay?" I say heading for the door.

"Alright be safe don't be too long" Chad says waving to me. I close the door behind me and head down the street. It is humid out and the birds are chirping loudly, it is hotter than usual for April and I am regretting wearing long sleeves again. But I have to. My arm is still pretty black, and the swelling in my face has gone down but not by much. I reach Highland Avenue and turn and see the park.

As I get closer a I feel my heart beat getting faster and faster. I look at the swings and see Gerard smoking a cigarette and drinking a coffee. I put my hands in my pocket and approach him slowly.

"Well there you are! I was begging to wonder if you were going to show up or not" Gerard says flicking his cigarette to the ground. I sit on the swing next to him.

He laughs and says "Wow you look really hung over" I look up from the ground and glare at him.

"What happened last night I don't remember anything!" I ask. Gerard laughs and takes a sip of his coffee.

"We had a few more shots, I took you to a 24 hour Chinese place and you persisted on trying everything on the menu, then puked we got kicked out. Went back to the bar had more to drink, you danced on the bar and ran outside in the parking lot yelling that you had successfully divided by zero. I took calmed you down, you started crying saying you hated Chad threw your diamond necklace at me said you hated me because I ruined everything . I wrote on your foot so Chad wouldn't see then you called him and went home" He takes another long drink of his coffee.

Now I remember. I remember all of it, and now I know why I rarely get drunk.

"What did I tell you about Chad?" I ask. Gerard laughs and responds

"That he is a horrible kisser, lazy and you think he is Cheating on you because you are still a virgin because you promised yourself when you were 13 and your best friend got pregnant you weren't going to have sex until you were married" I nod remembering me crying into my hands telling him all that.

"Well I am sorry you had to see my like that, that is why I rarely drink" I dig my feet into the rocks below us.

"You were quite funny" He says laughing.

"Thanks for telling me everything, I am sure I had fun, but I better head back I told Chad I was only going on a short walk" I get up from the swing and walk away.

"Wait Johanna!" Gerard yells after me. He catches up and grabs my arm and I scream in pain.

"Woa! What did I do? I am sorry" He says taking his hand off my arm.

"Nothing You just scared me" I like rubbing my upper arm. Gerard nods and says

"Don't go, I was hoping you could meet my band" He says putting his hands in his pockets and looking up at me through his long hair. My heart races and my palms get sweaty. Why does this happen every time he looks at me?

"I promised Chad I wouldn't be long though, I am sorry" I say shrugging and looking in the direction of my house.

"Don't you need a ride to go pick up your car? I still have your keys and necklace, I can give you a ride there, call him from the bar say you ran into me I took you there, and you're gunna grab something to eat then be home" He says twirling my keys around his finger.

"I really have no other choice do I?" I say crossing my arms.

Gerard laughs and responds "Nope now lets go" He turns his back and starts walking towards his car.

We get into his car and this time it is cleaned up and doesn't smell as bad. Gerard sits in the drivers seat and starts the car. He hands me a cigarette and I light up again feeling relaxed. I look at his radio and turn the volume up. Born to Run by Bruce Srpingsteen was on the radio. I began to sing along with the words and so did Gerard. We were singing at the top of our lungs and people in other cars were laughing at us and we just didn't care. I loved feeling like this, like nothing else in the world mattered except for the next word of the song.

When the song finally ends we both are laughing and out of breath.

"You like the Boss?" Gerard asks pulling into the parking lot of the bar.

"Yeah! My uncle was a huge fan! That was all we would listen to" I unbuckle my seatbelt and wait for Gerard to park the car.

"Bruce was the first concert I ever went to" He says putting the car into park. We step outside the car and walk toward mine I finish my cigarette and toss it on the ground.

"Alright now give me my keys." I say putting my hand out.

"Oh you mean these?" he says dangling them above my head. I jump up and grab them from his hands. He laughs. And I walk towards the door of the bar. Gerard is keeping pace behind me. I walk in and the bar is already busy and it is only 4:30. I walked up the bar and the bartender looked at me and smiled "You going to dance for me today?" He says with a laugh. I hear Gerard laughing behind me, I turn around and glare at him and he stops.

"No, but I was just wondering if I could use your phone?" I say with a smile The bartender nods and hands me the cordless phone. I dial our home phone number and 3 rings later Chad answers

"Hello?" he answers

"Hey babe it is me and I just wanted to let you know that I ran into Gerard on my walk and he gave me a ride to the bar to pick up my car" I look over at Gerard who is talking to another attractive girl. I feel a twinge of jealousy.

"Oh okay I was starting to get worried. You on your way home?" He asks.

"No, I am going to stop by and get something to eat I feel like I am going to pass out I am so hungry" I say realizing that I am actually really hungry.

"Oh okay, I'll see you later then, love you!" He says in a sing song voice. I smile and reply

"I love you too" and hang up. I walk up to Gerard and the girl he is talking to and the bleach blonde tramp with clothes way to tight glares at me.

"All right I called lets go!" I say grabbing his arm and walking out the door. We get in the parking lot and I let go of him, and I cant help but feel angry at him for flirting with a girl like that.

"Okay well Just follow me back to my house" He says walking to his car but before he does he hands me a cigarette and I snatch it from his hand and get in my car and follow him down the street. Why am I feeling jelous? I don't even know this guy, for all I know he is taking me back to his house to kill and rape me. I sigh and know that is not what is going on, I have never felt so….drawn to someone as I have been with anyone else but him and why? I am in a stable committed relationship with Chad who I love. But then again why do I feel like this? Maybe what Angela said was true, but who knows.


	6. Chapter 6

We arrive at Gerards house and there are 4 other cars parked in front. I step out of the car and walk closer to him.

"This is where you live?" I ask looking around. It isn't the best part of town in the world, but I don't want to say anything.

"Yeah? To lower class for you?" He says in a harsh tone. I shiver at him being cold with me.

"No, just reminds me of my old neighborhood back in Colorado" I get off of the street and step onto the sidewalk. Gerard follows and opens the door. There are 3 men sitting around playing what looks like an old school Nintendo.

"Gee! What is up!" A man with a red afro yells across the room. Gerard waves and walks across the room and gives him a high 5.

"Everyone this is Johanna she has seen us play twice now" He says pointing to me. All 8 pairs of eyes stare at me. I do a shy wave and cross my arms.

"Johanna this is Ray" He says gesturing to the guy with the afro, "this is Frank" he says pointing to the short guy concentrating on the tv screen, "and last is my brother Mikey" I look over at m Mikey who peers up at me over his glasses he smiles. He looks just like Gerard.

"Hi" I say quietly. Gerard walks back toward me and puts his hand on the middle of my back, I get chills and he notices "You cold?" he asks.

"No I am fine" I lie. I am not fine, my heart is racing and palms are sweaty again. Gerard smiles at me and I get dizzy.

"Well it was nice meeting you all, I better get going though" I say pointing to the door with my keys.

Gerard takes his hand from my back and turns to face me. "okay, well I will see you later" he says smiling me. I nod and walk toward the door. As I am about to get to my car I remember he still has my necklace I turn around and head back toward the door. I reach the steps and notice the door is still open and I hear one of the guys say

"Gerard you know you can't have her right? You told us she has a boyfriend"

"I know Mikey, I can win her over I am sure of it, I haven't felt this way every bro! From the moment we walked onto the stage and I saw her I felt like I was hit by electricity." A smile comes to my lips and I stand there a while longer.

"Dude don't mess with fire ,I don't want n't to see you get burned" I hear some walking around and decided it is safe to go knock on the door. Gerard answers with a huge smile on his face.

"Couldn't stay away?" He says with a cocky grin. I laugh.

"More like I need my necklace back before I return home" I say pointing to my neck. He smiles and pulls it out of his pocket.

"Shame you remembered I was going to pawn it for some extra cash" He says dangling it in front of me. I snatch it and walk back to the car and start to drive home.

What did he mean by win me over? He has strong feelings for me too? I cant help but smile, and be glad but at the same time mad. Mad that he ever came into my life and ruined everything I have with Chad. I love him. Why did he have to come?

The next day at work is horribly busy. By the time it is 3:00 it has died down and the waiting room is empty. I take this brief time to sit down and get my feet up. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes when I hear a knock at my door. I open my eyes and see it is Angela and she has a huge cheesy grin on her face.

"There is a patient here to see you, the owners name is Gerard?" he smile grows bigger. I nearly fall out of my chair.

"What the hell is he doing here?" I ask.

Angela laughs and blushes. "What?" I ask again.

"Nothing he is in room 2" She says walking out and down the hallway. I sigh and get up and go down the hallway. I sigh before opening to door to the room. And there he is with Batman on the exam table. My heart speeds up and palms sweaty again.

"So here for his first shots I assume" I say grabbing everything I need to give the shots.

"Yeah you told me to come in today so we can get him everything" He says looking up at me with a smile and when he does I drop the needle on the floor.

"Damn it!" I say and bend down to pick it up and hit my head on the table as I come back up.

I hear a female laugh and look behind me and see Angela.

"You need something Angela?" I ask in an irritated tone. She laughs and responds

"No, Just thought I'd watch. Could always use this as a learning opportunity" I roll my eyes and know that she is really just here to look at Gerard. He is extremely good looking and cant help but get a little mad when I know she is staring at him. I give Batman his shot and he hisses at me afterward.

"Hey there! That is no way to treat a lady!" Gerard scolds and picks up Batman. I smile and he smiles back and there is an awkward silence.

"So what are you doing for dinner?" He asks.

"Oh just going home going to cook something" I say avoiding his eyes.

"Want to go out to eat with me? I don't have any shows to do tonight" He asks. I sigh and reply

"Sure why not?" Gerard smiles from ear to ear.

"Cool meet me at Applebees by 5:30" He says and walks out the door little Batman in hand.

Angela sighs and I glare at her.

"what?" I ask her again.

"Do you really want me to tell you? You arnt going to fire me?" She asks with puppy dog eyes.

"No I wont fire you" I say cleaning up my mess and cleaning off the table.

"It is love, I am telling you, you don't believe me but it is. The way he looks at you and you looked at him. It is love" She says then flinches waiting for my response.

"Angela it is not Love okay? I have known him less than a week it is not love" I say walking past her and into my office. She follows.

"Have you not read Dear John? It can only take 3 days! I am telling you…it is love"

ON my way over to Applebees I cant help but think over Angelas words is it love? I called Chad earlier and told him I was going out to eat with Angela again told him I loved him, but did I mean it? I thought I loved Chad but ever since Gerard came into my life I couldn't help but wonder if it really was. Chad Has never made me feel the way Gerard does. I feel relaxed around him not tense like I am around Chad.

I pull into the parking lot and see Gerard's car and park next to him. I smile and get butterflies knowing I am just moments away from seeing him. I step out of the car and walk inside and look for him. He is sitting at a table in the far corner. I approach him and sit down.

"You're still in your scrubs…" he says taking a sip of his beer.

"Really I didn't know! Thanks for telling me captain obvious" I say laughing he laughs too and signals out waitress. We order and I drink some of my margarita.

"So you want to go for some ice cream after this?" He asks.

"No, I hate the stuff" I say still sipping on my drink.

"What? How the hell do you hate ice cream?" he asks shocked. I laugh.

"I worked at an Ice cream all through High School. I served and ate so much of it I cant stand it now" I say laughing.

"You're crazy" He says drinking his beer.

"I am not! You are Mr. Vampire lover" Gerard chokes on his drink.

"Excuse me?" He says seriously.

"You love vampires? I repeat.

"Where the hell do you get that?" He asks.

"Your songs? The one about you turning into a vampire then having them kill you" I say taking another drink.

"Oh, so you do pay attention. I wrote that song when I was really high and drunk" he says laughing. I stop mid drink and say

"HIGH? You get HIGH? Off of what?" I say shocked.

"Weed and pills mostly. I have issues" He says pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. He offers me one and I take it.

"What is is like?" I ask.

"You've never been high? On anything?" he asks.

"No, I've only been drunk…..twice one you saw and the other in high school. Never been high" I say curiously. I know it is bad, but I kind of want to see what it is like, I have never been high before I was always the goody goody in high school to concentrated on my work and graduating to notice or do anything else.

A mischievous look comes across his face "Want to find out what it is like?" he asks taking a simple drag . I sit there in silence contemplating. Then sigh and say

"No, I better not" I finish off the rest of my Margarita. Gerard just shrugs. Our food finally comes out and we begin eating.

" So tell me, what is it like in Colorado?" he says between chews. I swallow and answer.

"It is beautiful, the sunsets are breath taking, the air is so fresh, the weather is crazy, it is my home" I say with a sigh remembering.

"You miss it" Gerard says taking a bite out of his mashed potatoes.

"Yeah, a lot" I signal the waitress over and ask for an other margarita.

"Why havn't you gone back?" Gerard asks. I take a big gulp of my drink.

"Because, I started life here, I can't just get up and move yet, I don't plan to either" A smile creeps up onto Gerard's face and I can't help but smile.

"Good" I smile ear to ear too knowing that he wants me to stay is making me so happy.

"GERARD! GERARD!" Someone yells coming up to the table. I look up and Ray is standing there.

"Whats up?" Gerard ask whipping his mouth.

"We got the video! They agreed to make a music video!" Ray says excitedly. Gerard's mouth falls open and he smiles.

"NO WAY! OH MY GOD! YES!" He says high fiving Ray. I smile too.

"What song?" I ask.

"Vampires will never hurt you" Ray replies.

"No way! We were just talking about that song! So awesome. I am proud of you guys!" I say signaling the waitress.

"I want a round of shots! We have a celebration!" I say. The waitress smiles and goes over to the bar. Gerard face is booming with happiness, and then he looks at me and he stops, it is like time stops just me and him. My heart beats faster, and I start to shake. Our glance is broken by the waitress setting down the shots. Gerard shakes his head and smiles lifting up his shot glass.

"To success!" He say.

"To success!" Ray and I repeat, I drink my shot and that is the last memory I have for the night.


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up the next morning to my alarm going off. My head is pounding and I don't remember anything AGAIN. I Why did I have to go get drunk again? I rub the side of my head and turn off my alarm clock. I hear a thud on my bed and see it is Pickles. I pat him on the head trying to remember last night but don't . First thing I do is take off my shoes and look at my foot, and sure enough there is a message from Gerard written on there.

"You probably wont remember this AGAIN. Call me at this number when you have time, I'm filming the video today, YAY!" He also drew some weird monkey thing on it. I smile and get in the shower. I hear the bathroom door shut and I jump.

"Hey babe! Just got off of work!" Chad says. I peek my head behind the curtain and see him leaning against the wall.

"So I see you found my necklace" He says pointing to the sink. And there it is, laying there. I don't remember putting it there.

"Yeah, Told you it was safe" I put my head back into the shower and wash my shampoo out.

"What I don't understand is why you didn't call me when you got home" He says in a harsh tone. I flinch a little.

"Sorry I came home and crashed, I was so tired from the day" I lie.

"Oh okay, well I hope you had fun and got plenty of rest. I want to take you to dinner tonight" He says easing up.

"Okay, where?" I ask. He laughs

"Red Lobster" Chad replies, I get butterflies in my stomach and smile. He knows that is my favorite restaurant.

"Okay!" I say excitedly. I hear him close the door and sigh. What am I doing? I can't keep seeing Gerard, I have a boyfriend. What am I supposed to do? Then I decide I am going to call Gerard today and tell him that I can't see him anymore.

My lunch break couldn't come fast enough. I was dying to find out what happened and dreading telling Gerard I couldn't see him anymore. I pick up the phone in my office and call the number Gerard left on my foot. It rings a couple times before a deep voice answers.

"May I speak with Gerard please?" I ask politely. I hear some scuffling on the other end and then Gerard answers.

"Hello?" he answers. My heart rate peaks just talking to him.

"Hey Gerard it is me Johanna" I reply.

"Oh! Hey what is up?" He asks.

"What happened last night?"

"A lot of stuff, want me to tell you ALL of it?" he asks.

"Yes I do" I say hoping I don't regret the decision. Gerard sighs on the other end

"Okay well, We got more shots, we both got pretty hammered you more than me. We then went to a park where you insisted on trying the pills I use to get high so I gave you some and you were claiming you loved it. We walked and you stole some ones bike and tried to ride it up and down the street but failed. We went back to the restaurant Ray drove you and I back to your house in your car. We walked into your house Pickles scared the shit out of Ray so he left. You then went into your room grabbed your necklace gave it to me and told me to pawn the POS. So I went into your bathroom put it on your sink and when I came back you were passed out" He takes a deep breath in and I know he is smoking a cigarette, making my mouth water craving one.

"Okay well um thanks for telling me, at least it isn't as bad as last time" I say laughing. He laughs too.

"So you want to do dinner again tonight?" He asks. This is where I have to tell him I can't see him anymore he is ruining everything.

"No I am going to Dinner with Chad tonight at Red Lobster I am sorry, but Gerard listen I don't think we should be hanging out anymore, not because of the drinking or anything just because I have a boyfriend and hanging out with you all the time is just making things more complicated between us.." I say trailing off. The other end is silent and I can feel the tears.

"I understand completely sorry to have made your life fucking complicated" and with that the phone slams down. I sigh and close my eyes. My heart hurts, why? I don't know. I get a sudden urge to have a cigarette and drink. I look at the clock and I still have 30 minutes. I grab my car keys and go down to the local gas station. I buy a carton of cigarettes and bottle of vodka. I sit in the parking lot and light a cigarette and take a swig of vodka, I begin to relax and feel better. 3 cigarettes and some vodka later I walk into the clinic feeling happy and relieved. I take a mint from my desk drawer and walk in and start doing my appointments.

Chad and I go to dinner and I am feeling happier. Chad rest his hand on my leg the whole driver over. We get out of the car and walk in and wait to be seated. Chad has his arm around me and a snuggle into his side and sigh. THIS is how it should be. Me and him having dinner. But yet I can't help but wonder what if he was Gerard? What would it be like snuggled up to him? I shake my head getting the thought out of my head.

During our meal Chad and I make small talk. I am in the middle of eating my shrimp when I look over and see Gerard with the bleach blonde tramp from the bar. He did this on purpose! My heart beats faster and I feel angry and…jealous. I glare over at the table and he is laughing and touching the tramps hand. My heart twinges and I see green.

"Johanna?" Chad asks. I shake my head and look over at him and smile. He gets out of his chair and down on one knee. OH MY GOD! HE IS GOING TO PROPOSE! My heart is going faster and my palms are sweaty.

"Johanna, I love you so much. You mean more to me than anything on this planet. I want to be with you forever. We have been together 9 years, and I want to make that 50 more years with you. I love you will you please be my wife?" He opens a small black box and in it is a beautiful diamond that sparkles in the light. I gasp and cover my mouth. I look around the room. Everyone in the room is stairing at us with their hands held over their hearts smiling. I look over to Gerard and he looks angry and his hand is in a fist. My heart skips when I see him. I look back at Chad and into his deep blue eyes, how can I reject him in front of all these people? I sigh and smile.

"Of course!" He puts the ring on my finger stands up. He leans down and smashes his lips against mine. I can hear awing in the background. When he releases me he sits back down and has a huge smile on his face.

"You just made me the happiest man alive Johanna!" He leans across the table and gives me another kiss. I look over and see that Gerard is gone and so is his date. I have the urge for a drink and a smoke. I love Chad, I think. But these weird feelings for Gerard how do I know that it isn't love with him too? I am crazy there is no way I love him, I've known him less than a week.

We get home and Chad starts to kiss me and doesn't stop. His hands are all over me. I push away and a take a breath of air. "Chad no, not yet" I say pushing him away from me. He frowns.

"But we are engaged we are going to be married so why can't we?" He asks pulling me closer. I push away again.

"I want it to be on my wedding night, just please…." I say crossing my arms.

"Fine, I understand and respect your wishes" He pulls me in and kisses me. "I am just so happy you are mine!" He picks me up and twirls me while kissing me. I smile.

"Hay babe Listen I left something in my car, I am going to go get it okay?" I give him a peck on the lips and walk out the door to my car. I reach under my car and find the cigarettes and bottle of vodka . I light a cigarette and talk a drink of the vodka and cringe at the taste. I start to relax, I take more and more drinks until I am feeling dizzy. I put the cigarette out put a piece of gum in my mouth. I get out of the car and stumble a bit. I look to the end of the drive way and see a someone standing there. They get closer and I see it is Gerard. Even in my drunken state my heart beats hard at the sight of him.

"Congrats" he says in a low voice. I smile

"Thankyouverymuch" I slur. I hear him laugh. I laugh too not knowing why, I just feel so relaxed and happy when he is around.

"I see you have been drinking" He says. I nod.

"Yup! I am so happy about this engagement" I say happy like to make him jelous. But the look on his face it worked.

"Then Why did you sneak off to your car to get a drink? And smoke?" I look at my car and back at him. How long had he been watching? I step closer to him.

"To celebrate duh!" I say laughing.

"Well good I am happy for you" He says in a monotone voice. I smile.

"If you are celebrating then why do you smell like beer?" I ask. Gerard smiles a crooked smile and sticks his hands in his pocket. He looks so cute my heart races.

"To Celebrate! DUH!" He says in a mimicking tone. He looks deep into my eyes and steps closer. It feels like there is fire between us, and I don't mind this burning feeling. He knows I am not happy about this engagement and don't mean it, and I know that he isn't happy about it either, we both just want to numb our pain.

"Wanna go get high?" I ask. Gerard shakes his head and laughs.

"Sure" I walk away from him and go to the front door. I go inside and look for Chad. He is in bed reading.

"Hey! Beautiful ready for bed? I can't wait to sleep with my fiancé in my arms" I cringe at the word fiancé . I look at the clock it is 11:00 and I have to be to work at 8:00. I can call off sick. They will be fine.

"Angela stopped by, I am going to go get celebratory drinks with her if that is ok" I tell him. He smiles and nods.

"Of course it is. I have to be to work by 5 AM so be quiet when you get home." That is when I get the idea.

"I'll just sleep over at Angela's then she and I can go to work together tomorrow then" I lie. He smiles and nods. I walk out the door and see Gerard leaning against my car smoking a cigarette.

"Lets go" I say walking toward the park. He keeps pace behind me. I am still buzzed and am tripping. We get to the park and I sit right in the middle of the grass field and cross my legs. Gerard sits next to me with a bottle in his hand and takes out a small pill.

"You know what, never mind I don't want to get high right now I just want to watch the stars." I lay on my back and look up at the billions of stars. Gerard lays next to me just inches away. I can feel his body heat. I smile and sigh.

"We finished the music video today, and finished recording our first album" he says.

"Awesome! When does it come out?" I ask.

"July 23rd"

I count the months and days in my head.

"So almost 2 months from now"

"Yup" It is quiet for a while. I am enjoying this moment. I look over at him and his eyes are closed. It is now in the moonlight I realize he cut his hair. He looks so handsome. He opens his eyes and looks over at me and smiles. I get the chills and look back up.

"When I was young I use to do this all the time, me and my friends would try and count all the stars" I say.

"How far did you get?" He asks.

" We got to 300 then fell asleep" I say laughing. He laughs too.

"Did you mean what you said earlier?" He asks. I sigh and close my eyes.

"No"

"Then why did you say it?"

"I…..I am just confused" I say. "Why were you with that bleach blonde tramp today?" I ask anger in my voice.

"Why did you say yes?" I sit up and look at him. He sits up too and looks at me. My buzz is going away so I know this isn't the alcohol that is make me feel this way. My heart hurts my hands are sweaty and my mouth is dry.

"I…I love him" I whisper knowing I don't meant it. Gerard laughs.

"Bull fucking shit!" He says raising his voice. I get angry.

"How do you know? I LOVE HIM!" I yell. He rolls his eyes.

"Please! He fucking hits you Johanna!" I gasp in shock. How did he know? . And as if he can read my mind he says

"You told me when you were drunk the other night, showed me the bruise on your arm and told me about your face, it isn't the first time either." I bite my lip and look away from him.

"You didn't tell me I told you that" I say raising my voice now.

"I wanted SOBER you to tell me" He says getting more angry.

"Well I am sober now! And I am telling you now SOBER that he hit me yeah! But he is getting help! He is getting anger management okay!" I yell.

"Doubt it"

"Shut the hell up you don't know anything!"

"I know more than you think!"

"Really? You don't know me Gerard! You don't you've known me not even a week!" I feel tears coming. He scoffs "I don't need a week to know that you deserve better than him, from that first night I saw how miserable you were!"

"You don't know anything Gerard! NOTHING!" My stomach hurts and I just want to go home. He is silent. It is then I cant take it anymore and I break down and start crying. I wipe my eyes and tell him

"I don't know what to do okay? I've been with him for 9 years. I don't know anything else but him! I loved him for so long. He has his me more than 30 times since we have been together I take it because I feel like I deserve it! I do, I do deserve it . He has been the only guy I have EVER been with. Everything was perfect I thought I loved him until you came around! I wish I never went to that fucking bar!" I let the tears flow more and don't try to stop them.

"ME? How did I ruin everything?" He yells.

" Just forget it" I say calming myself down.

"No tell me" He persist . I look at him and his eyes are pleading. My heart is going faster than a humming birds wings. He made me so mad but now I feel calm at ease like I can be myself. Who am I kidding? Angela was right. Not even a week. I have never felt this way before. Chad can't make me feel this way.

"Tell me" He says calmer.

"I…The moment you looked at me Gerard my heart sunk, I got sweaty palms, chills everything. I couldn't stop looking at you. I shook it off thinking that it was nothing. Then I hated you because you still made me feel that way after the concert and after that too. I get nervous when I am around you, feel like I am going to puke and get butterflies when I see you or know I am going to. I feel completely relaxed around you. I get clumsy and feel like throwing up. No one has ever made me feel that way. Not chad. Not anyone. My uncle described to me once how he felt when he saw my aunt, and it is everything I have been experiencing this week. If I had never gone to that bar I would have never met you and I would never feel this way. I'd be planning my wedding now if it wernt for you. " I say I feel tears coming and I look back over at him. And he looks shocked.

I lay back down and feel the tears come down my face. He lays back down too,

"I felt like that too, I went looking for a cat that night so I could see you again" He says laughing.

I laugh too not knowing why.

"Why did you say yes?" He asks.

"To make you mad, to make me feel like I didn't want to be with you, that all the feelings were false, but even after I said yes they were still there"

I feel Gerard's hand on mine and I go numb and get goosebumps.

"I just went numb" I say out loud.

"Me too" he responds.

I slip my fingers between his and get a warm feeling.

"Hand in mine into your icey blues" he sings. I smile and start crying.

"But this I mean it I let you know just how much you mean to me as snow falls on desert sky, until the end of everything"

I sit up still holding his hand he sits up to and grabs my other hand and pulls the ring off my finger . He sets it in the grass in front of us. I look at it. The diamond reflects the light of the moon. I turn back to Gerard he wipes the tears from my eyes and smiles.

"What are we doing?" I ask.

"I don't know but I do know this is right" He says, and with that he puts his lips on mine.


	8. Chapter 8

I wake up the next morning to scuffling around and cabnets closing. I open my eyes and look up at the ceiling. I am home. I came home last night and fell asleep on the couch not wanting to wake Chad. I sit up and look over the back of the couch. Chad is pouring himself some coffee.

"Hey sweetie! Sorry didn't meant to wake you" He says putting the mug to his lips. I sigh still groggy. He walks over and sits next to me and kisses me on the cheek. I half smile. Did I dream last night happened? No, it really did happen. A bigger smile comes to my face thinking about it.

"So did you and Angela have fun last night?" He asks.

"Couldn't have gone any better! One of the best nights of my life" I say truthfully. He smiles and gives me a kiss, I don't kiss back but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Well you deserve to take today off, never to late to start planning our wedding!" He says getting up off the couch. My smile turns to a frown and I just nod.

"Have fun today baby, I'll be home around 6 tonight" He kisses my head grabs his bag and walks out the door. I fall back onto the couch and touch my lips and smile remembering last night.

Gerard kissed me and I felt like I was on air that nothing else mattered except for me and him. I look down at my hand and see the ring is still there. I put it back on before we left, still trying to convince myself that it wasn't real this wasn't love. I get up and go into the bedroom and change into a pair of basketball shorts and a big t shirt and crawl into bed.

I wake up to hear pickles barking followed by the doorbell. I look at the clock and it is almost 11:00. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and get out of bed. I grab Pickles by the collar and open the door. Gerard is standing there coffee in hand. He is wearing black jeans a gray t-shirt and a black jacket. He looks, well hot. A huge smile comes across my face and I let him in. I take pickles to the backyard and close the glass door. He is standing in the door way of the kitchen. He smiles at me and puts his coffee down. There is an awkward silence that is finally broken by Gerard.

"Nice frog slippers" he says pointing to my feet. I blush and look down. My mom had mailed them over to me for Christmas, they were my favorite.

"My mom gave them to me, they are very comfortable!" I say smiling. He laughs and I laugh too. I step closer to him with the burning between us again.

"I feel like there is fire between us right now" I admit. He smiles and pulls me closer to him.

"I don't feel it anymore" He looks down at me and puts his lips on mine again.

The room is spinning and I feel like we are floating. He moves his hand down my back and pulls me closer and he parts my lips with his tongue. I smile and I can feel him smiling too as he kisses me. I pull away and look into his hazel eyes. It is just me and him, no one else.

"This gets harder you know" I say. He smiles and softly kisses me.

"It is so worth it" I put my head on his chest and match up our breathing.

"Lets get out of here" I say pulling away.

"Where to?" He asks

"Anywhere" I respond. He smiles.

"Well go get ready"

I get into my room and start changing I do my make up and hair. I walk out and Gerard smiles from ear to ear. I walk up to him and kiss him feeling the electricity between us. He goes to grab my hand but then stops.

"You put it back on" He says touching the ring. I pull my hand away and look at it.

"I just didn't want Chad to think I lost it" I lie, and unlike Chad he knows when I am lying

"Uhuh sure." He walks toward the door without me.

"Gerard wait!" I say grabbing his arm. He turns around. "I just havn't told him yet we have been together for over 9 years, I need to take time to do it okay?" I say touching his hand.

"So you're having an affair with me?" He asks crossing his arms.

"No! Affairs are for marriage, I'm…" I gulp and whisper the next word "cheating" I felt so dirty saying it out loud. Gerard laughs.

"I can handle that just take that thing off when you're around me" He says pointing to my hand. I slip the ring off and place it on the bookshelf and walk out the door.

We are in Gerards car singing again, and I can't stop smiling. He puts his hand on my leg and it goes numb. He looks over at me and smiles.

"You have a beautiful voice Johanna"

"Umm….yeah no I don't . I sound like a dying cow" I say with a laugh. Gerard laughs too and pulls out a cigarette and gives me one.

"A dying cow? How do you know what that sounds like?" He asks, I give him a sarcastic look and say

"I am a vet, DUH! I've had to work with cows before too" I light the cigarette and take a drag.

"YOU KILLED A COW?"

"No, well yes, sort of. It was in pain anyway I had to euthanize it, poor thing would have died a very painful death if I didn't do it" I say in a low tone. He laughs

"Im sure he made a tasty burger" He flicks his cigarette out the window and lights another.

"Where are we going?" I ask looking around.

"To the city" he says. My stomach fill with butterflies .

"I have never been to NYC!" I say sounding like a little kid getting ready to go to Disney Land.

"Seriously? Wow" Gerard says shaking his head. I smile from ear to ear and look out the window at the large stream of traffic in front of us.

We spent the entire afternoon roaming the streets of New York City. He showed me some amazing street art, took me to a great pizza place, to the top of the empire state building and even stood by as I shopped for some new clothes. The whole time with his arm around me, he didn't try to kiss me once. I have never felt so happy or so at ease with anyone before. Every time we touched I felt electricity, when I saw his smile I felt like everything was right in the world, that it was just me and him no one else. I think Angela was right. Do I love him?

We are driving back to my house and I touch the ring on my finger gently moving it around. I'm going to do it tonight going to tell Chad that I can't marry him and I cant be with him. I don't love him. I am go nervous and anxious and sad. I need a drink. I look around Gerard's floor and find a bottle of tequila. Not my favorite but it will work. I take the cap off and take a drink.

"Woa there little lady" Gerard says looking over at me with a smile. "Don't hog all of it, I am going to need that later"

"Sorry need some liquid courage" I say taking another drink. It burns the back of my throat.

"You told me that you rarely drink"

"Well that's before I realized that it numbs out some pain." I say taking yet another drink. The back of my throat is numb now and I take the drink with ease. My head is starting to get light.

"Same here" He responds. He turns off of the highway and heads down the road to my house. MY heart beats faster and I take more and more drinks.

We pull in front of my house and Chad is home. The lights are on and I can smell BBQ. Oh God! He cooked for me! Tears come from my eyes and I don't want to do this anymore, but know I have to.

"You going to be okay Johanna?" Gerard asks placing his hand on my leg making it go numb once more. I look back at him and the spark between us ignites . I lean over and kiss him passionately. I don't know if it is the alcohol or us but I do know my world is spinning. He kisses back placing his hand in the middle of my back and pulls me closer to him. I pull away our noses touch.

"Yeah I am going to be okay" I give him one last kiss.

"Want me to wait out here?" He asks. I shake my head no.

"I'll be okay, I'll see you later" I step out of the car and walk up the side walk to my house. I stand in front of the door for a short while contemplating what I am going to say and how. I take a deep breath and turn the door knob and step inside.


	9. Chapter 9

I walk into the house and grab the ring and put it in my pocket. I am going to do this. I walk into the kitchen and see Chad preparing 2 steaks for us.

"Hey babe!" He says coming over and kissing me. "I made us some delicious steaks for the first night of us being engaged!" He says happily.

Man I am such a bitch! I can feel the tears starting to come but I force them back and wobble a bit. He reaches for my hands but then stops.

"Where is the ring?" He says rubbing my finger. I stare down at my hand don't reply. "Johanna! Where is the fucking ring!" He shouts. I step back from him.

"Chad I can't do this anymore" I pull the ring from my pocket and set it on the kitchen counter. He looks at the ring and then back at me. "I can't be with you Chad" I

"Baby! Please! I am getting better you know I am! What is wrong whatever you want I'll change" He says pleading me. The tears sting even more now, but I cant show weakness.

"Chad! I don't …I don't love you the way I thought I did…it isn't fair to you"

Chad stops and glares at me, his eyes getting red filling with tears.

"There is someone else?" He asks,

I look down at the tile floor. I don't have to say anything else. He knows. I hear him sobbing and I look up. He is sitting on the ground crying holding the ring in one hand. I don't know what I should do. Should I comfort him? Let him stay there? I don't know.

"I love you Chad, just not like I used to. I'm so sorry" I sit down next to him and rub his back. He continues to sob, and I am doing my best to hold back tears. My head is spinning and I feel like I am going to throw up.

"Johanna please don't I love you so much" He says between sobs. I still rub his back. I need a drink now this is too hard I just want to forget everything.

"It is for the best Chad, I promise" He lifts his head up, his cheeks red and stained with tear streaks. He sniffles and then nods. He gets up heads for our bedroom and I hear crashing. I stumble in and see he is throwing picture frames and clothes everywhere.

"Chad!" I yell. "Chad stop!" I go over and grab his arm. He turns around and hits me so hard I fall onto the floor. I hold my face and let the tears come. I taste blood in my mouth. I look up through my tears and see him standing over me. He kicks me hard 3 times on my side. I yell out in pain. I hear growling and feel something standing over me. I glance up and see pickles is standing over me bearing his teeth and barking.

Chad slowly backs out of the room.

"You deserve that you dumb bitch!" I hear more footsteps and then the front door slam. I lay there crying for a bit. I feel Pickles licking my arms and legs. It hurts to breath. I get myself up and limp into the bathroom and look in the mirror. My face is swollen and starting to bruise more. I let out a hysterical cry and fall to the floor in front of the toilet. Why did I let this happen? How could I? I probably deserve it anyway.

I get up and wipe the tears away and take some Tylenol to help with the pain. I limp into the kitchen grab a 12 pack of beer , the phone and head outside on my back porch. I crack open the first beer and call my mom. After 5 rings she finally answers.

"Hello?"

"Hey mom its me" I say through sniffles.

"Oh Johanna! I am so glad to hear from you! I've missed you so much!" She coos from the other side of the phone. I smile. I miss my mom more than anyone. She has always been there for me and I need her support now more than ever.

"I've missed you to mama" I say sniffling some more. She can tell something is wrong.

"What's wrong baby girl?" I feel comfort in her saying that, and I start crying.

"Jo Jo what is wrong? Calm down tell me what is going on" She soothes. I continue to cry and I tell her everything. From the first time Chad hit me in high school to, to how I met Gerard and how Chad proposed and of course what happened after. She was silent the whole time just letting me vent to her when I am finally done she speaks.

"That bastard! How could he do this to you! NO ONE and I mean NO ONE lays a hand on my daughter!" she says angrily. "I know you are going through a hard time Jo Jo. But I am here, I am not physically there but my arms are hugging you now." I smile imaging her giving me a hug. I open my 7th beer. I'm feeling a lot better and lighter.

"Thanks *hiccup mom hiccup*" I hear her sigh on the other line.

"Johanna please don't tell me you are drinking"

"Then I wont *hiccup*" I say taking another drink.

"Johanna you know our family history, didn't you uncle tell you anything?" she asks. I sigh and rub my head. My uncle was a terrible alcoholic so was my dad when I was little but he sobered up, my uncle on the other hand stayed one until he found out about the cancer, then he quit. He always told me not to turn to it when I was hurting, that I would find more comfort in it then necessary. But I have turned to it and I am not dependent on it.

"Yes mom, he told me *hiccup*" I take another long drink.

"You know what honey, I need to be with you right now. I know you need your mom right now, I have some vacation time coming up, I am going to get online and see if I can find anything for me to fly out tomorrow." I can hear her standing up and moving around.

"Mom no*hiccup, I am going to be okay really I hiccup* will" I finish the beer and pull out a cigarette.

"By the sounds of it no you will not, I am not going to let you make the same mistakes your father did!" and with that she hangs up. I put the phone down and look at the stars. Everything is spinning. I blow out some smoke and relax. It starts to get cold so I decide to go inside. I wabble my way in and balance myself on the kitchen table. I smile and start laughing, about what? I don't know. I make it into my bedroom and collapse on the bed.


	10. Chapter 10

wake up the next morning to my alarm and pickles jumping on my bed like he always does giving me kisses. I smile and pat his head and reach over and turn off my alarm. The pounding in my head is starting and I close my eyes massaging my temples. I reluctantly get up and go to the bathroom and take more Tylenol. I look in the mirror and see the swelling has gone down some, not much. I rub my cheek it is very sore. I wonder how much foundation it is going to take to make this look better. I sigh and walk out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and start the coffee machine. I see the red light blinking on the answering machine. I have 3 messages the first is from my mom.

"Jo? Johanna? I'm guessing you passed out, but honey I am just letting you know I got a flight for tomorrow morning. My flight leaves DIA at 10:00 so 12:00 your time. I have a lay over in Texas for about 3 hours so I should arrive at Newark airport at 7:00 pm your time. I love you see you there" the machine beeps and moves onto the next message it is Chad.

"Johanna, listen I am really sorry. I got out of hand tonight, I know you go to work tomorrow at 8:00 so me and some friends will come by the place and I'll pack my stuff. I love…sorry habbit. Bye" I sigh and shake my head and wait for the next message. It is Gerard. My heart jumps when I hear his voice

"Hey Johanna, I hope everything is okay, I was just calling to make sure you were okay. I am just assuming it did you got even more drunk and passed out? Call me back tomorrow same number" I smile just hearing his voice. I am snapped out of my daze when I hear the coffee machine beeping.

I go over and pour myself of coffee and feed Pickles. He of course scarfs it down as if he hasn't been fed for days. I laugh at him. I feel relieved like everything is okay right now. I can finally be who I have always wanted to be.

That day at work is miserable though. I thought I was going to be okay, but my head hurts, clients are being mean, a cat bit me, animals are shitting all over the place, I feel very stressed and I want a drink and a one good thing is nobody noticed my face after using almost half a tube of concealer The day finally ends. I didn't even get a lunch break. Gerard called the office twice but I didn't call him back because I was so busy and I felt so depressed I didn't want to call him.

I arrive at the airport to pick up my mom a little after 7:00. I go to the terminal where she is suppose to be and sure enough she is there dressed in her Denver Bronco T-shirt and a pair of blue jeans and her hair is shorter. I run up to her and give her a hug. I just feel like crying and I do. She hugs me tight and rubs my back.

"Shh Shh Its going to be okay baby girl I'm here" She coos. I calm my breathing down and pull away and look at her. She gasps.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE? OH THAT BASTARD IS GOING TO PAY!" She yells. She puts her hand up on my cheek and examines it more. "We are going to put ice on this tonight" Not even 10 minutes here and she is babying me, I've missed it.

I smile and wipe my tears away and look down at her bags. There are 2 big suitcases.

"Umm mom? How long are you planning to stay?" I ask grabbing one of her bags.

"2 weeks" She says casually. TWO WEEKS? I love my mom I really do but there is only so much you can take at one time. I sigh and head towards the doors.

We are in the car and heading back home. It is about an hour drive. I reach in between the seats and grab a pack of cigarettes and pull one out.

"No you don't!" My mom says taking the cigarette and the box from me and throwing it out the window.

"Mom!" I yell

"I will not let you destroy yourself!" She says rolling up the window. I sigh and roll my eyes and pretend it doesn't faze me, but it does my mouth is watering wanting a drag.

"So am I going to meet this Gerard fellow?" she asks. I sigh at the thought of him. I miss him and it has only been a day. I need to call him, I just cant bring myself to do it, I feel like I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone.

"Um I don't know" I say honestly

"Well I want to meet him, I want to make sure that the guy you left Chad for is worthy of you"

That is my mom for you, she has always put my up on a pedestal thinking I do wrong.

After an hour of driving and small talk we arrive at my house. This is the first time my mom has been here. We step out of the car and I grab her stuff from the trunk. She looks around and nods.

"This place is so cute! It just needs a little garden. I think I'll look for flowers to plant here tomorrow" She says examining the yard. My mom is a florist and has been one for the past 30 years. It is probably killing her that I don't have any plants in my yard or house.

We step inside and it is somewhat empty. Chad did come, he took his Xbox, one TV, some of the pictures, all of his clothes and some towels. I finish going through each room seeing what he took and didn't take. He left me with most of the good stuff. I walk back into the living room and see my mom is being greeted by Pickles. He is wagging his rope of a tail and giving her kisses.

"Wow he has gotten big! I remember when we got him for you 3 years ago!" She says smiling and laughing at him. I grab one of her bags.

"Come on I'll show you to the guest room" She grabs her other bag and follows behind me. I put her stuff on the floor of the room and turn on the light. It is a small room it has a bed a dresser and a TV and well, that is it. No pictures no paintings. My mom steps inside and looks around.

"Kind of boring isn't it?" She asks. I shrug .

"I think I might put some pictures up in here and a potted plant." She walks around the room and inspects it.

"Whatever makes you happy mama" I say going up to her and giving her a hug. She pats my back and pulls away.

"I just want to make you happy this trip hun. I know this is hard on you but we will have fun. I'll cook your favorite meals, I'll take you shopping anything to keep your mind busy baby girl" She moves a piece of my hair behind my ear and I smile. I am just about to answer her when the doorbell goes off and Pickles starts barking. I walk out of the room and to the front door, and look through the peep hole. It is Gerard. He is looking down at his feet. I get butterflies and smile at the sight of him. I grab Pickles by the collar and open the door. He steps in and smiles at me. I lead Pickles to the back door and put him out. Gerard follows. I turn around and run into Gerard. He smiles his half smile at me pulls me into him. I wrap my arms around him feeling at ease. I take in his smell again and hug him tighter.

"You didn't answer my calls, I came by after I knew you got off of work and you weren't here.I was so fucking worried about you" He says kissing the top of my head I get chills. I pull away from his hug and look up at him.

"What the hell happened to your face? He did this didn't he? If I ever see him again I swear…" I cut him off.

"I was really busy at work today and I went to go pick up my m-" But I am interrupted by my mom.

"You must be Gerard" She says stepping into the kitchen. Gerard and I turn to her. Her arms are crossed and she is looking Gerard up and down.

"Gerard, this is my mother" I say. He looks at me then back at her.

"Nice to meet you" He says offering his hand. My mom reluctantly takes it. She doesn't like him. She looks at him like he is an insect that must be killed immediately.

"Nice to meet you too Gerard. Do you always dress like this?" She says pointing out the holes in his pants.

"Mom, in case I forgot to tell you Gerard is in a rock band called My Chemical Romance. They have a record deal and everything!" I say hoping that helps but it doesn't.

"mhhhmm. Any back up plans?" She asks. Looking him over again.

"Yeah I am also an artist" He says in a nervous tone. The tension in the air is so thick you could cut it. I could really use a drink but I know that will not happen with my mother awake.

"Oh well that is nice" She says easing up. I sigh and so does Gerard. "You love my daughter? Because if you are just trying to get into her pants that is a failed mission mister!" She asks. I cough.

"Well mom you must be tired and a little delusional from the flight and altitude change, why don't you head to bed and we can have this conversation in the morning?" I say walking up to her and leading her towards the guest room.

"Well alright, I suppose I am a bit cranky. I'm sorry Gerard I'd love to talk with you more once I am well rested, why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow? I am making lasagna" I turn around and look at Gerard and give him the 'you don't have to come' look. He nods and just smiles at me.

"I'd love to" I give him a glare and he just laughs. I give my mom a kiss on the cheek and send her back into the room. Once I hear the door close I go up to Gerard just as I am about to yell at him he pushes his lips on mine and my mind goes blank. I close my eyes and kiss him back passionately. We make out for about 5 minutes then I pull away and look at him. We both have huge smiles on our faces.

"That was awesome" He says. I nod in agreement.

"yes it was, but what the hell was that! I gave you a look and you went on ahead and said yes to dinner tomorrow!" I step away from him and cross my arms.

"Oh that look? I thought that was a 'please come over and win over my mother ' look" he says sarcastically. I roll my eyes.

"Wanna go have a smoke?" he asks pulling out a box. I nod and go over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of vodka and head out the front door.

I begin drinking from the bottle ignoring the bitter taste in my mouth. Gerard hands me a lit cigarette and I take it alternating between smoking and drinking. Eventually I am really drunk and feel no pain or no worries just me and Gerard.

"Here youwantsome" I say slurring and handing the bottle over to Gerard. He shakes his head no.

"No, I need to drive home, plus I am already pretty high" he says taking another smoke. I love that he is just as messed up as me. That he makes me feel the way I do. That I can be myself around him without any walls.

I lean against him and watch a stray cat wondering the street.

"Do you have to work tomorrow?" He asks blowing out smoke.

"Yeah just ahalfday. Wednesday andFridays are half days*hiccup*"

"Meet me after work okay? SOBER. I want to talk to you about some stuff" I lean back up and wabble a bit.

"Stuff whatkindofstuff?" I ask.

"Good stuff nothing bad don't worry sweetie" He says placing his hand on my knee. I go numb again and smile.

"Let me help you to bed okay?" He stands up and reaches for my arms and pulls me up. I balance up against him and we walk inside he leads me to the bedroom and I fall on the bed my head spinning. He takes off my shoes and puts me under the covers.

"Letpicklesin! *hiccup*" I tell him. He nods and gives me a kiss my lips.

"Sleep good, I'll see you tomorrow" He walks out of the room and I go to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

I wake up the following morning to the smell of pancakes. I smile and get out of bed, when my head starts pounding. I walk into the kitchen and see my mom over the stove cooking. I smile and sit down at the kitchen table. She places a plate in front of my and I begin eating.

"So that boy, I don't know if I like him" She moves slowly across the kitchen and takes a sip of coffee.

"Mom, It is my choice ok? He is a really good guy" I say shoving pancakes into my mouth. She nods.

"Do you love him?" I choke on my pancakes and look up at her.

"Mom do you really think that is an appropriate question right now?" –me

"Yes, Yes I do. You broke up with Chad because of him, and grant it you were drunk the other night but they way you made it sound to me is that it was love at first sight"-Mom"

"Yeah, well. I…I…I don't know" I say stuttering. My mom just rolls her eyes.

"Well that boy loves you!"-Mom

"How? I don't even understand how you can think that"-me

"The way he looks at you. And the way you looked at him. You love him weather you realize it right now or not. I just hope he is healthy for you" And with that she walks out of the room.

I finish my pancakes and go get ready for work, still pondering the idea that I could be in love with someone that I just met.

The end of the work day couldn't have come faster. I kept thinking about what my mom said and about seeing Gerard. I clock out and walk outside and see Gerard leaning against my car He is wearing all black like usual. My heart races and my palms are sweaty.

"Hey" I say walking up to him. He looks up and smiles his crooked smile. He leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek giving me chills. He laughs.

"Wanna go get some coffee?" He asks pulling out the keys to his car. I smile and nod.

"Alright just follow me" he says heading to his car. I get into mine and we head to wherever he pleases.

We end up back at the little diner place. I parked next to Gerard and get out. We walk up to the doors in silence and sit down. The same waitress comes over and takes our coffee orders. Gerard hands me a cigarette and we both light up.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" I ask excitedly.

"We are going on tour in 2 months" Gerard says pushing smoke out of his lungs. My heart sinks. I only have 2 months left with him? I have to show that I am happy for him.

"That is great! I am so happy for you!" I say cheerfully. He sighs and smiles.

"Yeah it is, it is huge for us. But I wanted to talk to you about something else" The waitress places our coffee in front of us and I sip at it, so does he.

"What did you want to talk about?"-Me

"It's just I think it is way to early to be saying this, but I just have to. Johanna I leave in 2 months and I want to spend every waking moment I can with you during it. I can't stand not being with you, you're all I think about when I'm not with you. I just want it to be you and me no one else" He takes a big drink of his coffee. I sit there and take in what he said and start to smile. I twirl my stirring stick in my coffee. He puts his hand on mine giving me goose bumps, and I like it.

"I couldn't agree more" I look up through my bangs and he is smiling. He reaches across the small table and kisses me on the cheek. My cheek gets hot and I start blushing. He is just so…handsome and everything I need.

"So um…does this make me your…um" I cant even muster out the words.

"My girlfriend? I'd like to think so" He is starting to blush now. He rubs the back of his head and I just smile.

We arrive to my house around 5:30. We spent most of the afternoon in the shop just talking about the band and where they were going to tour and for how long. Walking up the sidewalk I can already smell the lasagna. My mouth waters. Gerard walks beside me and slips his hand in mine and I feel like I am on cloud 9. We walk into the door and the aroma hits my harder than it did outside. Gerard seems to notice too.

"I feel like I am going to be a like one of those cartoon characters that just lets the smell lift them off their feet" I say. Gerard laughs.

"Me too" he replies. We both walk into the kitchen and see my mom pulling the lasagna out of the oven. She looks over at us and smiles. Her smile drops when he sees Gerard and I holding hands. I let go and walk over to her and give her a hug.

"Hi mama!" I say giving her a kiss on the cheek. "This smells so good!" I lean over the pan and take a good whiff and smile. She smiles back and pats my back.

"Only the best for my little girl! Now why don't you go change out of your clothes" She says looking at my scrubs. I nod and go into the bedroom.

I emerge from my bedroom wearing a pair of sweat pants and a tank top. Gerard is setting the table and my mom is bringing everything over. I smile at the picture. Maybe tonight wont be to bad after all.

And it wasn't. The whole way through dinner my mom was nice asking Gerard about various things, where he grew up, why art, why music. She seemed pleased with most of his answers, and toward the end of dinner Gerard even agreed to sketch her as a comic character. They moved into the living room while I cleaned up the kitchen. I could hear them laughing. I smile enjoying how happy they sounded. Everything seems right.

I open the fridge to put the left overs in and I see the bottle of vodka staring at me. I gulp and my mouth is craving it. I look around and see no one is coming in, I open the bottle and take a few drinks. I feel even more happy. I walk into the living room and sit on the couch next to Gerard while he sketches my mom from the chair across the room. I peak over his shoulder. Right now It just looks like a bunch of lines. I use this time to go use the restroom. I stand up and wabble a bit. My mom doesn't seem to notice but Gerard does raising an eyebrow at me. I just smile and he shakes his head and smiles.

On my way out the restroom I over hear my mom talking.

"My daughter means a lot to me you know" She has on her interrogation voice. Oh no poor Gerard. I put my ear closer to the door.

"She means a lot to me too" –Gerard

"Don't mean to sound rude or mean Gerard, but you've known my daughter less than a week, you ruined her engagement. All of this in less than a week" –Mom

"I know. But I can tell you Mrs. Retorio that the moment I saw your daughter I knew I'd never forget her. I felt as though I was struck by lighting I saw her and only her no one else. That has never happened with anyone before and when I am with her, there is no hiding"-Gerard. My heart melts a little and I get teary eyed,

"So you love her?"-Mom

"I'd like to give that more time before I decide on that"-Gerard

"Understandable, Just don't break her heart. She is turning to alcohol, she thinks I am stupid but I can tell she is drunk right now, she snuck some of that vodka I saw in the fridge. Don't let her destroy herself" –Mom

"I promise I wont let anything or anyone harm your daughter"-Gerard.

I leant against the wall smiling biting my lowers lip. I close my eyes and picture Gerard. My heart flutters. I open the door and step into the living room.

"Ah just in time, I just finished" Gerard says holding up his drawing. My mom grabs it and starts laughing.

"Oh this is excellent Gerard! You do have a talent" My mother says examing the picture. I lean over her shoulder and take a look. It looks like my mom but in cartoon form, I laugh.

"Wow it is amazing" I say. Gerard smiles and runs his hands through his hair.

"Well I am going to go read for a bit and hit the hay, I have to get up early tomorrow and start on your garden!" My mom says getting up. She comes up and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight sweetie. Goodnight Gerard. By the way hun, I don't mind if he sleeps over you are a big girl now just no hanky panky!" She winks and walks toward the guest room, and as soon as the door closes I walk up to Gerard and give him a huge passionate kiss. He seems a little shocked so he doesn't kiss back right away but when he does it is amazing. The feel of both of our bodies together his hands on the side of my face holding me closer to him. We make out for a good 10 minutes before stopping.

Gerard places his lips on my head and kisses me. "I'll never get tired of that" He says taking deeps breaths. I lift my head back and look him in the eyes wrapping my arms around this neck.

"Me either" I giggle. He gives me one quick peck.

"Wanna give me some of that vodka?" He asks with a smile. I smile back and get off of his lap and walk into the kitchen. He is right behind me. I reach up in the cupboard and grab 2 shot glasses. I open the fridge and pull out the vodka.

"You know I promised your mom I wouldn't let you destroy yourself" He says grabbing the bottle away from me. I reach for it again but he pulls it out of my reach.

"Come on Gerard" I say reaching for it again.

"But I don't mind destroying ourselves together" He says pouring the 2 shots. I smile and we both take ours at the same time. We take 5 more shots and we are both pretty drunk. We go outside on the back porch and smoke. I cuddle up next to him and he puts his arms around me. I look up at him and his silhouette is even handsome.

"Gerard?"-Me

"Hmm?"-Gerard

"Do you wanna sleep over?" I ask. He blows out smoke and looks down at me and smiles.

"Of course" He pulls my closer and kisses my head again.


	12. Chapter 12

The next week and a half fly by, and I couldn't be happier. Gerard has slept over almost every night, my mom loves him. My mom has also gone out of her way to plant me a garden and buy me multiple outfits. Gerard has been over every night for dinner when my mom has cooked, and my mom finally admitted to liking him. Gerard and I spent most of the nights laughing and getting drunk, and I am starting to think I love him.

"Mom don't worry I will be fine. I have been. Thank you so much for being here with me in this time" I say hugging my mom. She pats my back and starts to cry.

"I hate leaving you baby girl. Come visit me soon promise?" She says whipping her eyes. I smile and nod. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and grabs her bags.

"Fly safe mom, call me the moment you get home!" I demand. My mom laughs

"Oh honey of course I will! Now don't let that boy hurt you Johanna, I don't want to pick up anymore pieces! And make sure you water your plants every day!" She says giving me one last hug and a kiss.

"Of course mama" I kiss her cheek and watch as she walks towards security. I am going to miss my mom. Having her here was a blast. I sigh and walk out of the airport and get ready for the long drive ahead of me.

When I arrive home I see Gerard is parked in front of my house, his window down and smoke coming from the car. I smile. I pull into the drive way and before I can open my door he is already opening it for me.

"How did it go?" He asks taking my hand helping me out of the car.

"Fine" I reply. I walk up to the door and unlock it. Once we are inside Pickles goes crazy, jumping up and down acting like he hasn't seen me in years. I laugh and lean down and pet him. I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge and stare at the food I have.

"Spaghetti good for dinner?" I ask pulling some meat out of the fridge. I look over and Gerard is petting Pickles.

"Spaghetti good for dinner?" I ask again. Gerard looks up smiling.

"Of course" He walks over to me and raps his arms around my waist and snuggles his head into my neck. I smile. He slowly starts to kiss my neck. Damn that feels good. I turn around and wrap my arms around his neck and look into his hazle eyes. He leans in and gives me a peck on the lips.

"I wanna do something tonight" I say happily. Gerard gives me his mischievous smile and I already know that he is thinking.

"No not that! I wanna go bowling" I say turning around turning the oven on. I hear Gerard sigh.

"I suck at bowling" he responds.

"Me too, but I havn't been in years I wanna go tonight. You should call invite the band" I suggest.

"Yeah, okay I will" He walks into the other room and I hear him on the phone. I smile and continue to brown the hamburger.

"They are up for it" Gerard says coming back into the kitchen placing the phone on the counter. I go over to the sink and start to fill up a pan with water.

"Want to start making the sauce?" I ask.

"Sure" Gerard goes into the fridge and grabs tomatoes and other essentials.

"Woa what are you doing? I have ragu sauce in the pantry" –Me

"Oh hell no I'm not doing that, my mom taught me how to make things right" He says chopping up some tomatoes. I shrug and continue cooking the hamburger and start boiling the noodles.

We sit down for a dinner and begin eating. I take a bite. My taste buds go to heaven and sing in harmony.

"Oh my god! Gerard! What this is so good!" I say while swallowing. Gerard just looks up and smiles.

"Told you I wasn't gunna do some Ragu shit" He takes a bite and smiles. I giggle and continue to eat more.

We arrive at the bowling at around 8:00. The rest of the guys are nowhere to be seen. I lean up against the brick building and pull out a cigarette and give one to Gerard.

"Are they always late?" I ask lighting my cigarette. Gerard shrugs.

"They probably just got into their game and lost track of time, I'm sure they will be here" He takes the lighter from me and lights his cigarette. I look over at him and smile.

"You're so beautiful Johanna" Gerard says grabbing my hand and taking a drag. I can feel myself blush. He leans in and gives me a kiss on the my head. I smile and get chills.

"You cold?" He asks.

"No I am fine"

Gerard nods and takes another drag letting the smoke out of his lungs. I giggle.

"What?" He asks.

"You just look like a dragon when you do that" I say taking a drag aslo. Gerard laughs and takes a deep drag and blows out more smoke.

"See if there is a knight around to slay me"-Gerard.

"I think you have to be guarding a princess in a castle first"-Me.

"Well I do have a beautiful girl right here that could be a princess" he says standing in front of me.

"What if I don't want a knight to save me?" I say putting out my cigarette. Gerard half smiles and gives me a passionate kiss. I close my eyes and feel like I am on cloud nine again.

"That's a new one, princess falling in love with the dragon?" He says pulling away.

"Well….if it was one sexy, nice, funny, musically talented dragon she would" I laugh. He smiles again and pulls me into a kiss.

"Oh get a room!" I hear a voice say. Gerard lets me out of his embrace and I look over his shoulder and see Ray. I smile.

"Hey Ray" I say walking up to him. Mikey and Frank Join him.

"Damn it Ray! You shouldn't have stopped it! If you would have waited a little longer I bet we could have seen more" Frank says winking. I blush. Mikey punches him.

"Dude! " Frank says rubbing his arm. I laugh and so does everyone else.

We walk into the bowling alley and are surrounded by the smell of popcorn and the sound of pins being knocked down. Gerard puts his arm around my shoulders and we walk up to the counter.

"We would like to play a game, we are all paying separately though" I say pulling my wallet out of my purse. The red headed man behind the counter nods.

"For you, no charge" he says winking at me. I blush.

"Thanks!" I say putting my wallet back into my purse. I look up at Gerard who is giving him a death glare and I realize I have just been given a freebee by another guy.

"Everyone else owes $2.00" the guy says. Everyone pulls out their money and pays the man, Gerard hands over his money and slams it in the guys hand.

"What size shoe?" He asks me leaning way to far over the counter.

"8 please" I say. He nods and turns around and grabs me a pair.

"Very feminine shoe size, I bet you just have lovely feet to massage" he winks and me again. Who the hell is this creep? Gerard glares at him again and gives him his shoe size.

"Wow…well you know what they say about small feet….and hands...I have a size 13 shoe" he says winking at me again. I roll my eyes and Gerard clenches his fist.

"Dude, they are dating! You probably have a small penis but you must have some big balls to be saying that to her fucking boyfriend!" Ray says standing in front of Gerard. "Now get us the rest of our fucking shoe sizes and back the fuck off".

The guy behind the counter gets a deer in the headlight look and gets everybody shoe sizes and as we are about to walk away he winks at me one more time signaling for me to call him. I politely give him the finger and grab Gerard's hand and walk off toward lane 16.

I sit down and begin putting my shoes on.

"What the hell was that guys problem? He is lucky I didn't punch his fucking face in" Gerard says angrily. My heart jumps hearing him say that. He is being protective of me? I smile and get butterflies.

"Gingers have no souls man!" Frank says. I finish tying my shoe and glare at him.

Franks gets and anxious look on his face "Except for you Johanna, you are one Ginger with a soul!" He flashes a bright smile and I just laugh.

"Gerard Just ignore it, we all know how you get when your pissed off we don't want to see that" Mikey says. Gerard just nods and runs his fingers through his hair. How is he when he gets mad? Oh god please don't let it be like Chad…

"Im gunna take all you suckas down!" Ray says standing up and picking up a bowling ball. I laugh.

"I think its gunna be the other way around" I say standing up and taking the ball out of his hands.

"You have no idea how competitive we are Jo" Mikey says peeking over his glasses.

"and YOU have no idea how competitive I am" I say walking up to the lane. I concentrate and roll the ball, it goes straight down the middle. STRIKE! I turn around with a smug look on my face and all the guys have their mouths open.

"Beginers luck!" Gerard says grabbing the ball and going up. 1 gutterball and a split he comes and sits down next to me. I laugh.

"I'm just warming up" He says.

Several laughs and intense teasing sessions later the game is over. Gerard scored 78 points. Frank Scored 83, Mikey scored 89, Ray scored 120 and I scored 150.

"That was bull!" Ray says taking off his shoes.

"Don't hate the player hate the game" I say patting my chest. Ray rolls his eyes.

"Next time you're going down" he says putting on his other shoes. I laugh.

"Gerard I approve, anyone who can beat Rays ass at a game has my respect" Frank compliments. Ray glares at him. "Sorry dude but you're cocky as hell when you win it gets annoying"

"Well she may be good at bowling but I KNOW I own at Mario cart" Ray challeneges.

"Oh really? We will see about that" I say.

"Oh it is on, come over and I'll make you cry!"-Ray

"Ray! Come one man she's my girlfriend"-Gerard

"Hey, she is part of the group now, I don't have to go easy on her"-Ray. I smile. He said I am part of their group. I do a little happy dance inside.

We begin to head out the door when I hear a whistling, I turn around and see it is the red headed guy again. I walk up to the counter.

"What do you want?" I ask annoyed.

"You know us redheads are a dying out, less that 2% of the Earth population has red hair, we could increase that population if you know what I mean…" he winks at me. My mouth drops open and just as I am about to say something Gerard is at my side.

"Dude…SHUT THE FUCK UP! This is MY girlfriend, she is taken knock it the fuck off before I knock your teeth in!" Gerard yells. The guys steps back from the counter. Gerards face is red and a vein in his neck is popping out…oh gosh am I going to see mad Gerard? I glance over at Mikey, Ray, and Frank who are just shaking their heads. Mikey mouths "This guy is gunna get it" I gulp and glance back up at Gerard.

"Oh yeah she is beautiful like she is going to stay with an emo ass like you for long" He scoffs. I feel my blood start to boil.

"Okay dick face NO ONE says shit like that about my BOYFRIEND. He is more than you will ever be, and guess what I am with him and not you! So back off! We will not be back here! And I will be calling the manager!" I grab Gerards arm and pull him towards the door but his feet are glued to the floor.

"Gee damn, you can have her. But if you want bro I have some roofies in my pocket if you need something to knock her hyperactive ass out later so you can do your thing" He winks again. I barely have enough time to look back at Gerard before he is over the counter beating the crap out of the guy. I step back and watch in awe. Mikey and Frank jump over the counter and pull Gerard off of him. The manager comes over screaming at us to get out and never come back. Ray leads me toward the door.

I look behind me and see Frank and Mikey hopping over the counter with Gerard. Gerards face is red and his nose is bleeding.

Once we are out the doors Gerard takes off down the side walk, I chase after him until I feel a hand pull me back.

"Let him cool off Johanna, he isn't himself right now" Mikey says. I nod and watch him walk down the street and turn the corner.

I don't know if I should be mad or happy? Happy because he stuck up for me and beat the living shit out of some stranger to defend me and make sure everyone knew I was his. Or Mad because he has anger problems too just like Chad. I bite my lip and contemplate the too.

"Why don't you go home? He is going to be embarrassed and pissed off when he comes back and you don't want to see that. I'll drop him back off at your house" Mikey suggest I nod.

"And Jo, don't worry he only hits people he hates, no one he loves" Frank says pulling out a cigarette.

I nod "Thanks guys. I Had fun tonight, I'll see you later" I say pulling out my keys and start heading towards my car.


	13. Chapter 13

I arrive home when I walk in the door the first thing I do is go to the fridge, I need a drink bad. I open up the bottle of vodka and take a drink and gag at the strong flavor. After the first 4 times my mouth is numb and I can drink more easily. I feel my heart pounding and my head spinning. No he can't be like Chad! He can't be! I can feel tears coming and just as I am about to let them go I hear a knock at the door. I take one last drink and stumble to the front door. I look through the peephole and see mikey standing there. I sigh in relief and open the door, next to him is Gerard. His nose has dried blood on it and his cheeks are red along with his eyes.

"Hey Johanna, he is kinda really drunk" Mikey says pointing to Gerard.

"THatsokaymikey" I slur. Mikey raises an eyebrow.

"Are you two gunna be okay?" He asks looking between us.

"Yeah just peachy" Gerard says stepping into the house. Mikey shrugs.

"Okay well if you need anything just call" He says waving and leaving to porch.

I close the door and look at Gerard. He is just as drunk as me. I go up to him and look him in his eyes. I don't know if I should be mad or not. Just as I am about to say something Gerard presses his lips on mine pulling me into a lingering kiss. He tastes like beer and smells of smoke. I smile and wrap my arms around his neck and continue to kiss him. He pulls me down to couch and pulls me on top of him. He gently starts to run his fingers up my shirt and takes it off. I let it fall to the floor. What am I doing? But this feels so right, hormones and alcohol don't mix. Just as I am about to stop him he kisses me more passionately and I lose all train of thought. I run my fingers up his shirt and pull his shirt over his head. I feel his warm body against me and I am caught up again. Gerard lifts me up and puts me under him. He runs his hands up and down my body and breasts. Im losing it, I can't do this not now not like this, but damn does that feel good! He starts kissing my neck and I let out a soft moan, he looks up at me and smiles a sexy smile and starts kissing me passionately again reaching his hands towards my legs. My legs tighten at he puts his fingers in the hem of pants. He then goes for the buttons and undoes one and that's when I know I have to stop him.

"Gerard, No" I say. Gerard loos at me with a puzzled expression then he sighs.

"Right, sorry" He gets off me and sits up regularly. I mimic.

"I want to just not like this, we arebothincredibly drunk , plus my promise…" I trail off slurring some. Gerard sighs and runs his hands through his hair.

"I get it don'tyouworry" He slurs.

"About tonight" I start off but he puts his finger up to stop me,

"In the morning? When we are both sober so we can remember some of what we said?" He asks. I nod.

"To bed?" I ask. Gerard nods and stands up wabbling a bit as he does. I stand up next to him and bend down to grab our shirts and walk into the bedroom.

Gerard takes off his pants and is in just his boxers. I check him out. Damn what did I just pass up?. I shake my head from the thoughts as he puts on a pair of his pajama pants that he has kept here. I grab a pair of mine also and put on his shirt. I smile seeing how long it is on me and big. I go over to the side of the bed and slip under the covers. Gerard puts his arm around me and I get chills again.

"You cold?" he slurs.

"Nope *hiccup I am fine hiccup*" I hear him chuckle and a few seconds later all I hear is drunken snoring. I smile and stare up at the black ceiling letting my drunken hiccups sing me to sleep.

I wake up the next morning to the smell of bacon and coffee. I open and my eyes and look at the clock. It is almost 12:00. I stretch and see that Gerard isn't there. I get out of bed and put on my slippers and walk out of my room and into the kitchen. Gerard is standing over the stove making some bacon and pancakes. He looks over at me and smiles.

"Good morning" He says looking back down at the pan.

"Ummm morning…what is with all this?" I ask in a groggy tone.

"Just thought I would cook you some breakfast" He says flipping the pancakes. I raise an eyebrow.

"It is almost noon, it isn't breakfast anymore" I say pointing at the clock. Gerard shrugs.

"Brunch then" He turns off the burners and grabs some plates out of the cabinet. Something is up with him, just what is it? I'll interrogate him later.

I walk over to Pickles food and fill up his bowl, he begins scarfing it down. I then lazily walk over to the kitchen table and sit down. Gerard sets the plates down. I smile seeing he made a smiley face on my pancake with the bacon strips.

"Thanks for the smiley face" I say pointing at my pancake with my fork. Gerard smiles and takes a bite out of his bacon.

"You're welcome" he says while chewing. He is just so cute. "Are you going to eat?" He asks. I shrug.

"It is too cute to eat" I say admiring my pancake. Gerard rolls his eyes.

"Girls" He grabs the syrup and pours it over my pancakes. "Now eat" he says laughing. I open my mouth is shock.

"You drowned him!" I say putting my fork down and pouting.

"Oh Jo! It was a fricken pancake!" Gerard says taking a sip of his coffee and laughing. I pout at him. He rolls his eyes and gets up from the table and walks over to me "You're way to cute when you do that" He stares down at me and my heart races he then kisses me deeply sending tingles through my whole body. He pulls away and smiles a crooked smile. I smile back at him with butterflies in my stomach. He goes and sits back down and take another sip of coffee.

I stare down at my now sad looking pancake. I pick up my fork and cut into it and take a bite. Gerard smiles. We continue the rest of the meal in silence. Once we finish I stand up and grab the plates and head towards the sink.

"No no its okay I'll do the dishes" Gerard says pushing me away from the sink.

"No I can do it, you cooked I'll clean" I say pushing him out of the way. He looks down at me with a playful smile. He reaches down and picks me up. I yelp in surprise.

"Gerard put me down!" I say between laughs. He continues walking and takes me into the restroom. He sets me down and smiles at me. "You shower and get ready for the day while I do the dishes okay?" He says giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"I was planning on staying in all day wearing this" I say pointing to my outfit. Gerard smiles when I do and I realize I am wearing his misfits t-shirt. He kisses me again. "Just let me do the dishes okay?" He says giving me another kiss. I know something is up. I roll my eyes and walk into the living room.

"What?" He says following me.

"Will you please just tell me what is up? I know something is wrong" I cross my arms and look at him. Gerard runs his hand through his hair. God why does he do that? It is so sexy.

"I just want to do the dishes Johanna what is so wrong with that?" He says getting a little agitated.

"No you don't tell me what is wrong now" I demand. His face gets red, with embarrassment? Anger? I don't know. I sit down on the couch and signal for him to sit with me he does. He starts to tap his foot.

I grab his hand. "Gerard come on. Lets talk about this" I say soothingly. He squeezes my hand.

"Im just an idiot Johanna"-Gerard

"How?"-Me

"I got so angry last night at that guy and beat the shit out of him and I promised myself that I wouldn't show you that part of me because of what happened with your piece of shit ex. Im just trying to make it better." Gerard rubs his eyes.

"Gerard you are nothing like Chad, I will admit I was scared, very scared. But you were protecting me not hurting me." I say rubbing his back. He looks at me and shakes his head.

"I don't care I shouldn't have done it, I got so mad and so embarrassed that I went and got really drunk and high I thought I ruined it." –Gerard. I just nod.

"Well you didn't. We both got pretty messed up last night" –Me. Gerard shakes his head again.

"And then we almost did things we shouldn't have and I was such an idiot" He looks up at me again. I remember our moment of passion. I blush remembering. I look over at him and his is blushing too. I reach over and give him a kiss. He smiles.

"forget about it okay?" I take his hand and kiss his knuckles. He pulls me closer to him and I put my head on his chest.

"I have a show today, you gunna come or stay in your pj's all day? Not that I'd mind you look very cute in MY shirt" He laughs. I smile and look up at him.

"I guess I can get dressed just for you" I say sarcastically. He raises an eyebrow then smiles giving me a kiss on my nose. I get chills. How can he do this to me? I continue to stare up at him his big hazle eyes staring back at me, and I feel the electricity between us just as I am about to make my move the phone rings. I get up off the couch and answer.

"Hello?" I answer agitated.

"Johanna? Hey it is Frank!" he says. I can hear loud music and what sounds like people talking.

"Umm Hi Frank?" I look over and see Gerard standing in the door way with a quizzical look on his face.

"Is Gerard there?" he asks. I then hand the phone over to Gerard who walks out of the room.

I walk over to the fridge and grab a bottle of wine and reach up in the cupboard and grab a glass. I walk over to the table and poor myself a glass. I know it is early but I don't care. I sit and start to wonder about everything. 3 weeks ago I was happy well not happy but content with my life, I knew where my future was going and what I wanted from it now? Now I just don't know. I have a rock star boyfriend who is leaving in a month to tour for 3 months around the east and west coast , while I stay here waiting for him to come back. I should call it off but then I cant. Just thinking about the way he makes me feel is over whelming. One look at him and I am jelly, he makes my heart soar and my stomach fill with butterflies. But then at the same time ever since I have ever met him I've been drinking and smoking a lot but I guess that comes with the lifestyle? I just don't know. I take a big sip of whine.

"Isn't it a little early for that?" Gerard says walking back into the room and here I am, Jelly.

"Yeah but it's a weekend" I say taking another drink. "Want some?" I ask. Gerard shakes his head no.

"No that was Frank, we need to rehearse and go over some stuff for the show and tour this afternoon" I cringe at the word tour.

"Okay" I take another sip.

"So you're going to come?" He asks with hopeful eyes.

"Yes at 8?" I ask. He nods. He comes over to the table and grabs my chin with his hand and tilts my head up toward him and gives me a kiss. I melt.

"I will see you then, have fun being a couch potato today" He smiles and grabs his keys and walks out the door. I pour another glass.

I spend the rest of the afternoon on my couch reading a book and drinking a couple glasses of wine. By the time 7:00 comes I am pretty buzzed. I pick up the phone and dial for a cab to come pick me up in about 45 minutes. I pick up the empty bottle of wine and place it on the kitchen counter before heading into my room to get ready. As I do I look around and see some of Gerard's clothes. He might as well move in here, in fact I think I might ask him to since he has spent almost every night for the past month here. I grab one of his t-shirts and put it on along with a pair of my jeans. I apply my makeup and do my hair half up and half down. Even I have to admit I look hot. I hope Gerard thinks the same. I start remembering last night and bite my bottom lip wanting more. No! No I cant! Wait until I am married that is the plan! But the way he makes me feel…. I hate this.

The cab comes and takes to me to where guys are playing. It is bigger bar. I give the cabbie his money and walk in. There are a lot of people here all around the stage. I order myself a beer and head for the crowd, after several elbowing and curse words later I am in the front next to some other girls who have bright pink and green streaks in their hair one wearing a black shirt with MCR on it and the other a white with MCR on it. They look over at me and roll their eyes. What did I do?

"I have been to almost every show they have put on here" the girl in white says.

"I have been to 4 or so…" The girl in black says.

"They are going on tour too this summer! I think I might follow them!" The girl in white says. My heart twinges. These bimbos seeing Gerard every day while I have to stay at home?

"Yeah we should! That would be so cool! We could try and sleep with them too" the girl in black says in a school girl voice. I clench my fist.

"Sleep with who you want to, the lead singer is mine though" says the girl in black. My blood is boiling. Not with him! He is mine ALL MINE. I glare at them. The girl in black looks at me and rolls her eyes

"Take a picture it will last longer" she comments then turns back to the stage and just as I am about to say something the room goes dark.

Everyone cheers. The lights dim and you can see the outline of everyone. I concentrate on only one silhouette and that is Gerard. He walks up to the microphone stand and signals for the band to start playing. He is looking around the crowd. For me perhaps? The music starts and he begins to sing. Still looking around the room. I push my way further up right next to the bimbos.

The girl in black looks at me again and rolls her eyes. I chug the rest of my beer and throw it to the ground. Gerard is singing Vampires will never hurt you. He gets to the hard guitar part in the song and turns into a completely different person. He is jumping up and down and head banging all while singing "steak my heart" I smile. I love seeing this Gerard. Once the song ends he puts the mike back on the stand look around the crowd again looking worried. He is looking for me! My heart soars. I wait for the crowd to quiet down. I then yell at the top of my lungs.

"GERARD!" He looks over in my direction and our eyes meet. He smiles a sexy half smile at me and begins singing the next song.

"Bitch you screamed that right in my ear!" The girl in black yells over the music at me. I just shrug and start moving my body to the music.

Gerard is now singing Demolition lovers and stairs at me the whole time. I get goose bumps and can't get the cheesy grin off my face until I hear the two bimbos.

"No he is looking at me!' The girl in white argues.

"No he is looking at me! Looks like im getting some tonight" The girl in black says. I glare at her again. Not taking her eyes off of MY man she yells to me.

"Like someone like you has a shot with him, just leave already" I go to protest when the girls start screaming.

"Oh my God he is coming this way!" They both squeal. I look and see Gerard singing and walking towards me. He jumps off the stage still walking and singing. He comes up to the girls and they reach their hands out and he ignores them and walks straight towards me. When the song goes into a long instrument solo Gerard takes my face with his hands and pulls me into a deep passionate kiss. My heart is flying and I am jelly again. The electricity is there again. I kiss him back putting my hands in his hair and pulling him closer, he tastes like cigarettes and beer. He pulls away and smiles and me and starts singing again hopping back on the stage. T

The 2 girls stare at me their mouths open in shock. I smile a smug smile.

"That is my boyfriend" I yell over the music. And I am proud to say it, yell it. I don't care that he has to leave in a month, he is mine! And tomorrow I am asking him to move In with me. It is in this moment of pure smuggness, happiness and passion that I finally allow myself to realize that I love him.


	14. Chapter 14

The show ends and I wait patiently for the people to make their way out of the bar, the two bimbos giving me nasty looks as they walk by. I smile politely and wave. I can't get the cheesy grin off of my face. I am starting to get butterflies waiting for Gerard to come back out and see me, and when he finally does come out I run towards him and throw myself on him. He steps back a little and laughs. He wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. I pull back and give him a deep kiss. He kisses back putting his hand on the back of my neck pulling me closer to him. I am on cloud 9. I couldn't be happier I love this man. We part from our kiss and I look deep into his hazel eyes. They show happiness.

"I was worried you weren't here" Gerard says pushing my hair behind my ear.

"Of course I am here. I always will be" I reach up and kiss his nose. He smiles again.

"You're in a really good mood" He moves his hands to my waste. I

"Well yeah! I just saw an awesome rock concert!" I say not telling him the real reason why I am so happy. Gerard kisses me again.

"Why are you wearing my shirt?" He asks looking down at his Iron Maiden T-shirt. I Shrug.

"Just felt like it"

"Well good, you look so…..beautiful tonight Jo" He grabs my hand and leads me to the bar. My Cheesy smile gets bigger. The bar tender turns around and looks at me and stares. I blush. Gerard clears his throat.

"Can we get a round of shots please?" He says putting his arm around me. I love feeling protected and knowing that he doesn't want anyone even looking at me. The bartender nods and pours us some shots. We take them in unison.

"Dude! Nice make out session right in the middle of the song" someone pats me on the back and I see it is Mikey. I smile.

"He instigated it" I say pointing to Gerard.

"Well if you didn't look so fucking sexy then I wouldn't have wanted to so bad" Gerard says pulling me closer to him. I blush.

"Please gag me now" Mikey says sitting next to me. He signals the bartender and says "3 of the strongest drinks you have one me" He throws down a $20. The man nods and starts making whatever it is.

"Hey if you had a girlfriend you would do the same thing" Gerard says teasing back.

"I do have a girlfriend!" Mikey defends.

"I don't think your right hand counts there buddy" another voice says behind me I look and see it is Frank. Mikey glares at him and punches him in the arm. I giggle at the two of them. The bartender brings over our drinks in tall glasses. They are green with little mini umbrellas.

"What is this?" I ask taking the mini umbrella out.

"My own creation" The bartender responds smiling at me. He has brown hair, brown eyes and dimples to die for. I smile back at him and take a sip. It is delicious.

"Oh my god this is great!" I say taking another drink. The bartender leans closer to me.

"Glad you like it" He winks at me and walks away.

"Lets take that drink to go" Gerard says angrily, I glance up at him and he staring down the bartender and his grasp on me gets tighter.

"This is pretty damn good" Mikey agrees. Gerard shoots him a dirty look. "I mean for a sissy drink".

Gerard grabs his drink and we head out the door, but before doing so he calls a cab. Frank and Mikey follow us outside.

It is a beautiful night for the end of May. I look up at the stars and smile. I remember as a little girl wishing on stars to find the perfect man for me and here I am with his arm around my waste. I reach into my purse and grab out a cigarette and hand one to Gerard. We both light up and start smoking.

"You guys did so good tonight" I compliment them. They all get smiles on their faces.

"Thanks" They say in unison.

"Where is Ray?" I ask. They all get a stupid smile on their face and look at each other like it is some kind of inside joke .

"He is um…busy" Mikey says through laughs. I raise my eyebrow and look up at Gerard who is laughing.

"Busy doing what?" They all burst out laughing again. I roll my eyes and take another drag of my cigarette.

"He is getting laid Jo" Frank says bluntly.

"Oh…." I can feel my face getting red. Everyone starts laughing. I Put my head down and take a drink. My head is starting to get all fuzzy. Luckily the cab pulls up. We say our good byes and we get into the cab. Gerard tells the cab my address and we head back home.

Gerard puts his arm around my shoulders again. I get chills.

"You cold?" He asks. I shake my head no and take another drink. So does Gerard.

"Damn it" He says. I look up at him.

"What?" –me

"This drink is god damn delicious" He says taking another drink. I laugh and so does he.

"Told ya!" I taunt back. I take one big drink and my vision is starting to blur. Damn this is strong. We get back to my house. I step out and immediately stumble. Gerard is at my side helping me balance. I smile a drunken smile at him. I take one last drink and slam the cup to the ground laughing as I do. Why? I don't know I just know that I feel great. I know I want whatever that was again.

"Woa Johanna!" Gerard puts his drink on the ground and wraps my arm around his shoulder helping me up to the door.

"Do you have your keys?" he asks. I fumble them out of my purse, he grabs them and unlocks the door. I stumble in putting my purse on the coffee table in the living room. I turn around and see Gerard closing the door but there isn't one Gerard there is 2! No….3! Wow I feel good. I stumble up to him and give him big passionate kiss. He of course kisses back. I lead him into the bedroom still kissing him. I take off my shirt and then his. I want him. NOW. I take off my pants leaving me only in my bra and underwear. Gerard stops kissing me and just looks me up and down.

"You're so beautiful Johanna" He grabs my waste and pulls me closer to him I unbutton his pants and let them fall to the floor.

I lead Gerard to the bed where we continue to make out more. I open my eyes and look at all 3 of the Gerards and smile again pulling his mouth to mine. I run my hands all over his body and eventually down to his boxers. But then he stops me.

"Johanna no, not like this you're wasted. You wanted to wait" He says getting off of me.

"You're just as wasted and no I don't want to wait!" I lean into kiss him but he pulls away.

"Im not drunk Johanna yeah I am a little high but not enough to go through with this, no Johanna" he says sternly. I am about to protest again when I feel something in my throat. I get up and run to the restroom and start tossing my cookies.

I feel my hair being pulled back and know it is Gerard. He rubs my back while I continue to explode like a volcano. I have never puked this much not even when I was sick. When I think I am finally done I lean up against the bathtub shaking.

"I'm never drinkingthatmuchagain!" I slur. Gerard leans up against it with me and I put my head in his lap. He gently strokes my hair.

"It's okay baby it will all pass soon" he soothes.

"Have you everbeenthis drunk?" I ask.

"All the time" he responds still playing with my hair.

"Then why do you still do it?"

"To numb the pain, hide my sorrows, be happy all the same reasons you do "Gerard says sadly. I nod and know that is why I do it too. I didn't use to because I didn't know I could numb the pain of everything I've been through with alcohol, to make all the stress just disappear.

"We're really fucked up" I say with a laugh. Gerard laughs too.

"Yup, but I am glad I get to be fucked up with you" he responds kissing the top of my head. "Now lets get you to bed" he says standing up. He flushes the toilet and help me up. We walk into the bedroom and I realize how exhausted I am.

"Here let me help you get dressed." Gerard says having me sit on the bed. My vision is still a little blurry so I don't know what he puts me in but it does feel comfortable. I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes and go to sleep knowing that the man I love will be there when I wake up.


	15. Chapter 15

The phone is ringing. I Look at the clock 9:00 A.M. I sigh and see that Gerard is soundly asleep. I smile and give him a kiss on the cheek and get out of bed. I walk into the kitchen and answer the phone.

"Hello?" I say with a yawn.

"Hey Johanna! Its Ray is Gerard there?" Ray says spunkily from the other end.

"No he is still sleeping"

"Oh, he might as well live there ya know! He is never here *sigh* have him give me a call when he wakes up" and with that he hangs up. Gee someone is cranky . I put the phone down and walk back into the bedroom and see Gerard still sleeping. I smile at him he just looks so peaceful. I walk into the master bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and I look like hell. My make up is smeared and my hair looks like a tornado went through it. I decide it is time to take a shower.

I take off the clothes Gerard put on me last night. A pair of pajama bottoms and one of his shirts. And hop into the shower. I let the hot water run over my body for a while before going on with the normal shower duties. Even in the shower I can't stop smiling. I love Gerard. I love him I love him I love him! And last night when he was sweet enough that he held my hair back and rubbed my back was so sweet . Today I am asking him to move in with me. I hear the bathroom door open and peek from behind the curtain and see Gerard standing in front of the sink.

"Good morning" I say cheerfully.

"Good morning" he says groggily back. "You're very cheerful this morning considering last night" I put my head back into the shower and wash out the conditioner.

"Meh well I am just really happy" I say running my fingers through my hair.

"Good" I hear him turn the sink on as I turn the water to the shower off, I grab the towel hanging from the rack and wrap it around me and step out of the shower. Gerard is brushing his teeth but stops when he sees me and just looks me up and down. I bite my lip and look down at my feet and walk past him and into the bedroom and quickly get dressed.

He comes into the bedroom his pajama bottoms hanging low on his waste and his hair a mess. He looks damn sexy. He walks over to me and gives me a kiss. I feel the grin come back on my face. Gerard smiles a crooked smile.

"You're so beautiful" he whispers.

"You're so handsome" I whisper back. He kisses me again. Then walks over to the side of the bed and sits down.

"Where are my clothes?" He asks.

"Oh I washed them they should be in the dryer" I say pointing in the direction of the laundry room. He raises an eyebrow at me.

"You washed my laundry?" -Gerard

"Yeah I mean I don't want you to wear dirty clothes and stuff…." –Me

"I could've gone back to my house and gotten clean clothes"-Gerard

"Yeah but you've spent almost every night over here for the past month and well I wanted you to have clean clothes while you're here…"-Me

"Jo you don't have to do my laundry it's not like we are living together" He says standing up and going to the laundry room. I get up and follow him. He leans down and opens the dryer and pulls out a t-shirt and a pair of pants. Well here it goes…all or nothing.

"Do you want to live here…with me?" I shyly ask. Gerard stands straight up and look at me with happy eyes,

"What? I mean…..we've only been….but I have been,,,,,of course I'll move in!" He exclaims and runs up to me and gives me a kiss. I kiss him back wrapping my arms around his neck, I can feel his smile through out our kiss. We pull away and he is grinning from ear to ear and so am I .

"I'll call Ray and Mikey and let them know! I don't have much stuff I can probably move in one car trip" He says excitedly.

The rest of the afternoon and part of the evening we move Gerard into my place. He doesn't have much just few dressers, a couple gaming systems and games, a lot of art stuff, and paintings. I finish handing the last of his paintings and look around the place. It really is OUR place now. I smile as I look around. I walk into the bedroom and see Gerard putting stuff into the closet. I sneak up behind him and put my arms around him. He jumps a little startled but then turns around and looks down at me and gives me a kiss.

"I'm so glad you're here" I say snuggling my head into this chest. He puts his chin on the top of my head and rubs my back.

"Me too" he responds. I take a deep breath and take in his smell and get butterflies. "Well I have to go get ready for the show tonight" He says pulling away from me. I frown, well this moment is ruined. "You going to come?" he asks hopefully. I sigh and think about work tomorrow, I really cant afford to go to work hung over tomorrow I have a lot of surgeries to do. I guess I can go and not drink.

"Yeah sure thing!" I say happily. He kisses me again.

"I don't know what I would do if you weren't there Jo" I let a grin escape my lips. "So I'll see you there around 8:00?" He questions. I nod.

"See you then, have fun warming up" I kiss his nose. He grabs his jacket off of the bed.

"You're the best" He says kissing my head before walking towards to door. I watch him leave and instantly feel lonely.

I walk into the living room and see Pickles sprawled out on the floor chewing on a squeak toy while Batman is wondering around on the couch. I sit down and he comes and stretches out on my lap begging for some attention. I giggle at him and pet him and he purrs. Maybe I wont feel so lonely when he is gone because I have these guys. I force the idea of him leaving in a month out of my head, but it keeps creeping back and I feel the need to drink. I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge and see a case of beer. I go to grab it but then pull back remember last night. I sigh and close the fridge door and decide to escape all of this worry with reading a good book.

The time comes to leave and I call a cab and arrive to the bar on time. I decide to sit in the back and watch. The bartender puts a drink in front of me and I see it is the one from last night. My stomach turns into knots remembering puking. I just ignore that it is even there. The show begins and right away I stand up and wave my arms showing Gerard I am here. He looks over at me and waves causing several faces in the crowd to look over at me. I just shrug.

The show is going the way it usually does, same songs, same order, and same everything but still good. My subconscious soon takes over and before I know it, I have drunken the drink the bartender gave me, and when I catch myself all I can think is SHIT. But I do feel good, it isn't as strong as yesterday so that's good isn't it?

Once the show is done Gerard comes over to me again and gives me kiss and orders himself a beer. He looks at me and then the empty glass in front of me.

"You're really drinking that shit again?" he asks in an irritated tone. I shrug.

"Johanna that shit fucked you up last night and you have work tomorrow" he says sternly. Since when am I child?

"I know. I justhadone its not big deal" I slur a little. Gerard glares at me then at the bartender.

"You served her this shit again didn't you?" He asks angrily. The Brown haired man nods and smiles and Gerard looks like he is about to lose it.

"Its not a big deal" I repeat.

"Lets get you home" Gerard says standing up and taking my hand. I stumble out of the bar with him and wait on another cab. He looks furious.

"Why are you so mad? Sowhatigot drunk and *hiccup* I have work tomorrow I will be fine. You get high all the time" I hiss.

He looks stunned at me. Then just shakes his head. The cab pulls up and we get inside silent the whole time. We get home and I stumble into the house and go into the bedroom. Gerard follows. I lay down on the bed and try to get the room to stop spinning.

"I'm sorry I said that, I just don't like you getting that drunk" Gerard says sitting next to me putting his hands on my legs.

I smile and peek up at him, there are 4 of him again I respond "I didn't mean what I said either, I'm sorry" I close my eyes again but this time I feel Gerard press his lips on mine.

"Get some sleep baby" He pulls the blankets over me and I drift into a deep sleep.

The next day at work is hectic, and not to mention 10 times worse because I am hung over and ten times worse than that because it is hectic making me want to drink again, so during my lunch I go and take a few drinks for the bottle in my car and relax. This is really starting to get out of control.

I arrive home and smell something cooking and see Gerard is laying out plates for us to eat. I smile at the image and sit down at the table.

"So how was your day?" Gerard asks giving me a kiss. "Never mind I am assuming very hectic by the taste of vodka" he sets a plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and vegetables in front of me. I grab a little bit of everything and start eating.

"Yup!" I respond to his question stuffing my face with mashed potatoes. "what did you do today?" I ask.

"Just worked on some songs, drew a little bit" he says serving himself. I nod.

"Thanks for dinner it is delicious" I compliment. Gerard smiles a crooked smile and I go weak in the legs.

"Anything for you" He responds sending my heart rate up. I gaze into his hazel eyes and get lost like I always do. I really do love this man.

Gerard and I spend the rest of the evening cuddled up on the couch watching CSI and other shows laughing and making out and staying sober. And that is all I could ever want. I am falling more and more in love with him each day.


	16. Chapter 16

3 weeks have gone by and that means Gerard leaves in 1 and I cant stand the thought. I have fallen more in love with this man than I ever dreamed I could. We spend most of our time together just getting drunk and watching movies, and of course we go out and do other things. I go to every single one of their shows cheering them on. He still makes me feel like Jello every time we touch, the spark between us is even greater and I think I am ready to tell him those 3 words.

I arrive home from work a little late and find Gerard and the band sitting on the couch playing video games. I set my keys and purse on the bookshelf and walk over to them.

"Hey" They say in unison not taking their eyes off the screen. I roll my eyes.

"Men" I say and walk into the kitchen to see 3 boxes of pizza sprawled out on the counter. I walk into the bedroom and begin to change into something more comfortable, sweat pants and one of Gerards shirts. I walk back into the kitchen serve myself some peperoni pizza and go into the living room. Their eyes still glued to the tv. I go and sit next to Gerard on the floor.

"Hey" he is says in a monotone voice.

"Hi" I say giving him a kiss on the cheek. He breaks his concentration and gives me a kiss back.

"Boo ya! Finally got cha Gee!" Mikey cheers. I look at the screen and see Gerards character is dead.

"Hey I was distracted!" He says pointing to me. I smile innocently . Mikey rolls his eyes.

"Sure thing bro" he responds pushing his glasses back up to his face. Gerard frowns and hands the controller to Ray who then says "Your ass is mine Mikey!" I giggle at them.

"How was work?" Gerard asks putting his arm around me.

"Good, I was in surgery day, spent most of it neutering stray cats for the animal shelter" I reply. And all the guys make a hissing like noise.

"Dude you took away some poor cats manhood?" Frank asks angrily. I laugh at him and reply

"Yes, yes I did and if you make me mad enough I could take yours away too" Everyone looks at me with scared faces including Gerard. And I burst out laughing.

"Im kidding you guys!" They all sigh.

"Don't make her mad Gee…" Ray trails off looking back at the screen. Gerard just laughs.

"I havnt done it yet, don't think I will anytime soon" he says taking a sip of his beer.

"Wait….you guys havnt fought yet?" Mikey asks not taking his eyes off the screen.

"no…" Gerard and I both say. Mikey sighs pauses the game and looks at us.

"That's not good, when you guys do fight its going to be huge and I am not gunna be anywhere near it" He turns his focus back to the video game. I just shrug and take a bite out of my pizza and a sip of Gerards beer. Then there is a knock at the door. I stand up and answer it.

I open the door and see Chad standing there with a box in his hands.

"Chad what are you doing here?" I asked shocked. And before he can reply Gerard is at my side with his arm around me.

"I just found these pictures of you and I wanted to give them to you" He says handing me the box. Gerard takes the box from me and looks inside.

"Dude WTF! These have been taken of her recently" He says looking through several pictures

"I've been following you, and I realize you're so much happier with him then you ever were with me. I want you to have all the creepy pictures of you I took, you look beautiful in all of them" He looks up from his feet and to me with tears in his eyes.

"So you've been following me? What the fuck chad! That is so creepy!" I yell.

"I know, I know just please Johanna I'm trying to make this right." He starts to tear up. I sigh and give him a hug.

"Just leave us alone okay? Im sorry about all of this I really am" I give him a kiss on the cheek. He nods and looks at Gerard.

"You're so lucky to have her man. Don't let her go. Don't let her destroy herself with all the alcohol she has been drinking." And he walks away. I close the door and look at Gerard who looks livid.

"So he stalks you, comes here gives me a box of creepy pictures of you and you give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell him YOUR sorry?" He says through clenched teeth.

"Dude told you I'm not going to be around for this" Mikey gets up and walks out the door followed by Frank and Ray who look at both of us with apologetic looks.

I walk away from Gerard not wanting to have this conversation. I open the fridge and pull out a bottle of wine and pour myself a glass and start sipping it. Gerard stands in the doorway of the kitchen, the box still in hand and glares at me. I turn my back to him. I have never been good at confrontation, and when it has happened I tend to get black out angry and don't want that.

"So what the fuck was that Jo!" He yells. I ignore him.

"Don't just fucking ignore me!" He yells again, I still ignore him just drinking my wine.

"Real mature just ignore me like a child" I hear him slam the box down on the kitchen table. I turn around and look at him. He stares back at me and there is electricity between us again.

"You're acting like a child, over reacting to something that isn't even that big of a deal" I say calmly back.

"Over reacting? You just kissed your fucking ex!" He yells.

"ON THE CHEEK!" I yell back.

"After he took all these creepy pictures!" He steps closer to me.

"I broke his heart okay? I feel bad, he admitted he was creepy, I acknowledged that. He was about to cru so I gave him a hug and a simple meaningless kiss on the cheek " I reach into the fridge and pour myself another glass and start to drink it.

"Okay because that makes fucking sense!" He hisses at me. "Why don't I just go out and give a random girl a kiss"

"If it is on the cheek I don't care" I lie. I know I would be pissed if he did. I just cant let him know that.

"Maybe I will" He turns and heads for the door. My heart drops.

"Don't!" I yell after him.

"Why because it would make you mad? Jelous?" He says in a harsh tone. My eyes look at the floor, and I get even more angry at him.

"Will you just drop it?" I say in a calm tone.

"Drop it? Why don't you go drop your pants for your stupid abusive ex boyfriend oh wait not im sorry FIANCE" He yells. I feel my cheeks get read and hot.

"Oh ill have plenty of time to do that when you're on tour since you're leaving me for 3 fucking months!" I snap. I then put my hands over my mouth , realizing what I just said. Gerards face gets red and he screams

"Yeah and I'll have plenty of time to do that with other girls who will actually have sex with me instead of always leading me on!" After he says that I feel so angry and betrayed by him.

"Respect my fucking wishes Gerard! I told you I wanted to wait! Go ahead sleep with some sluts I hope you get herpies! I though you were going to be different from Chad but nope! All you want is sex just like every other guy! " And with that I throw my wine glass at him. He ducks and it hits the wall behind him. I storm off into our bedroom slam the door and lock it. "Feel free to sleep on the couch! Or the curb I don't really give a flying fuck" I yell from behind the door. I hear him walk off and the front door close. I let the tears come and cry myself into a drunken stooper


	17. Chapter 17

The next day at work it is really hard to concentrate. I keep replaying our fight in my head. Maybe I was wrong I shouldn't have done what I did, but he didn't have to say anything about us not having sex and finding groupies to do it with, and on top of that he wasn't home when I woke up this morning and he hasn't come by or called the clinic. I feel like I am going to break at any point. Have I lost him? My heart hurts so much, I just love him more than anything and I didn't even get to tell him that. I feel the tears coming but stop them as I put gloves on and prepare to do an emergency C-section on the mini poodle in front of me.

After 1 ½ hours and 6 healthy puppies later I am done with the surgery. I sit down in my office and take a breather and to think more, when I see the message light blinking on my answering machine, my heart skips and I pray it is Gerard, I quickly press the play button on the machine.

"Hey Johanna it's Mikey. I um…. Know you and Gee got into pretty bad last night, mainly because he showed up at my door at 2:00 in the morning wasted and crying and saying he messed up. I pretty much listened to his sob story for about an hour before he passed out. But anyway I just wanted to let you know that I dropped him back off at your place. Okay bye"

I let out a sigh of relief , so he is feeling guilty and doesn't want to lose me. I smile and feel 10 times better. I look at the clock 2 hours to go and I am out of here.

I arrive home to a very excited to see me Pickles and a not so excited to see me Gerard. He is sitting on the couch just staring at a notebook and writing not even acknowledging my presence. I walk right past him and into the bedroom and change into my usual sweat pants and shirt only this time I'm wearing my own not Gerards. I go back into the kitchen and look in the fridge. I grab myself some left over pizza and warm it up while pouring myself a glass of wine. I walk back into the living room with my pizza and wine and see Gerard still in the same spot and position earlier. Fine…he wants to ignore me, I'll ignore him too. I turn on the tv and start flipping through channels, and see the bachelor is on, lets see how much of this he can take. I leave it on and start eating my pizza and drinking my wine. 20 minutes into the show and Gerard finally says something.

"Will you please turn this garbage off?" he asks calmly. I smile to myself and ignore him.

"Seriously Johanna I am trying to concentrate" He says a little bit more agitated . I still ignore him. I hear him get off the couch and walk towards me in the chair across the room. I instictevly put my pizza and wine down and grab the remote just before he reaches for it, I tuck it against my body.

"Real mature now hand me the remote" he says in a monotone voice. I look up at him and get caught up in his hazel eyes, we stare at each other for a while taking each other in. I love him so much. He reaches for the remote again but I hold it closer to my body. He sighs.

"I didn't want to have to do this…" He says. I give him a curious look.

"Do what?" I ask.

"This" and with that he starts tickling me. I burst out laughing still holding the remote close to me, he tickles me some more finding every place I am ticklish. I eventually fall onto the floor still clutching the remote. He gets on top of my and continues to tickle me until I can't take it anymore and surrender, I hand him the remote and he smile still sitting on top of me. I sit there panting trying to catch my breath and look up at him and he looks down at me. I forget all about our stupid fight all I want to do is kiss him, and as if he can read my mind he leans down and kisses me passionetly. I reach up at put my fingers through his hair pulling him closer to me. I am jelly beneath him, my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty. I just feel the love is so strong between us.

Gerard pulls away and looks at me stoking my cheek.

"I love you Johanna. I'm so sorry about everything. " he whispers. I feel the tears in my eyes and I pull him into a another deep kiss.

"I love you too Gerard." I smile and look up at him he has the biggest smile I have ever seen on his face. He gets off me and lifts me up off the floor and pulls me into a strong hug.

"Im so glad you went to that bar" he whispers in my ear.

"Im so glad I went too" I whisper back. He rubs my back releases us from the hug and looks into my eyes making the sparks between us stronger.

"I wish you didn't have to go" I say. Gerard sighs and sits on the couch and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Me either but, its my dream baby" he answers. I nod and sit next to him.

"I know" I put my arm through his and my head on his shoulder.

"It is just 3 months it will go by fast" I say trying it make him and myself feel better.

"You're not gunna leave me or anything while I am gone are you?" He asks in a panicked tone. I lift my head off his shoulder and glare at him.

"No, are you?" I ask crossing my arms. He shakes his head no.

"No girls will ever compare to you Jo, you're the one for me, I just know deep down in here, I want you and no one else" He says pointing to his heart, I smile and put my head back on his shoulder he nuzzles me back.

"You leave in 5 days" I say sadly. Gerard sighs.

"I wanted to ask you something before our whole big fight yesterday" He says turning himself towards me. He has a nervous look on his face.

"what did you want to ask me?"

"I want you to come on tour with us. I can't stand the thought of not being with you for 3 months. I talked to all the guys and they said they would be cool with it, they all love you, so will you?" he asks with hopefully eyes. My heart starts to hurt. I look into his hopeful eyes knowing I have to turn him down.

"I have my own veterinary practice here, I can't just leave Gerard, I'm sorry" Gerard nods.

"I just don't want you to forget about me, or get so drunk you get with another guy I am always going to worry" he says.

"I wont I promise as long as you don't do the same" I say sternly.

"I promise" he says.

"Pinky promise" I say holding out my pinky. He smiles and takes it with his. I love him so much, words cant even describe then I get an idea.

"I'm going to prove how much I love you Gerard and to show that you're the only one for me" I say standing up and grabbing my car keys.

"Like what?" he asks. I give him a mischievous smile and walk towards my car.

We arrive at the tattoo shop, Gerard stands outside petrified not moving. I pull on his arm but he doesn't move just keeps staring at the building in front of him.

"Come on Gerard" I say pulling at his arm.

"No way, I don't do needles" He says. I pull on him more but he is rooted to the ground like a tree.

"I'm the one getting it not you" I say finally giving up on the whole pulling him into the shop thing,

"I still don't do needles" he repeats.

"Fine guess I'll go in without you. " I say opening up the shop doors and walking in.

There is a bald man at the desk in front of me covered in tattoos including his head. I cringe at the thought of how much that would've hurt. He looks me up and down and smiles.

"What can I do for you sweetie?" he asks.

"I want to get a quick tattoo" I respond. The guy smiles.

"Where do you want to get it?" He questions. I point to under my right breast right where my first rib would be.

"This you first tattoo?"

"No, I have one of a dolphin on my hip from when I turned 18" I blush remembering my rebellious stage.

"You with that guy?" He asks pointing to Gerard who is walking in the doors now. I smile and walk up to him and give him a kiss. I nod and the guy smiles.

"What do you want to get?"

"I want to get Gerard in script righting with a small black heart next to it" I say happily. Gerard stares down at me.

"Johanna you don't have to do this!" He exclaims. I shrug

"I know I don't HAVE to, I WANT to. I love you Gerard, I always have and always will." Gerard smile at me and gulps, his hands start to shake and says

"I want the same but with Johanna. I want it on my chest right here" he says pointing right above his heart. I smile and get butterflies.

"I thought you hated needles" I whisper

"Not as much as I hate the thought of losing you. Plus with this you will always be with me right on stage" he says putting his arm around me and kissing my head. The guy nods.

"Well I can honestly say I am glad to do it. I have never seen a couple as in love as you. Just the way you look at each other" he says pointing between us. I blush and so does Gerard. We head over to the tattoo chair.

I sit down and take off my shirt leaving me in my bra and sweat pants. The tattoo guy gets wide eyed but shakes it off seeing Gerard's glare. I smile and feel happy at Gerard's protectiveness . The tattoo guy puts on a stencil and starts up his tattoo gun. I feel a little nervous at the sound.

"Ready?" He asks. I nod and put the needle to my skin. There is a stinging sensation I hold my breath breathing through the pain. After about 20 minutes the gun stops and the guy sprays me down with some liquid soap washing off the stray ink.

"Go have a look" he says pointing to the mirror. I get up and look in the mirror. It is perfect. I smile and show Gerard who smiles back.

"Now it is your turn buddy" The guy says patting the chair. Gerard sighs and takes off his shirt revealing his pale chest. I giggle.

The guy switches tattoo guns and puts a stencil on Gerard. He flinches and starts shaking his hands, I grab one look at him.

"Its okay baby it doesn't even hurt that much" I say running my thumb across his knuckles. He smiles nervously at me. The tattoo gun starts up and Gerard closes his eyes.

"Only for you Johanna and only you" he says as the needles hit his body. He tightens his grip on me breathing through the pain like I did, and in the same amount of time the guy is done. Gerard smiles once he hears it is done. Gerard walks up to the mirror and examines it.

"Right near my heart like you always will be" He says tracing his fingers over it. I smile and get tears of joy in my eyes.

We pay the guy and leave him a nice tip and walk outside. I walk in towards my car but am pulled back by Gerard who pulls me deep into a passionate kiss. I put my hands around his neck and kiss him back. I am floating, so happy I feel like I could burst. I start to cry tears of happiness and sadness. Happiness because I am so happy with him and sadness because he is leaving me and I can't stand the thought. I know I am going to be with him forever.

We part from our kiss and Gerard stares down at me and wipes away my tears and wraps his arms around me. I nuzzle my head into his chest taking in his scent and enjoying every second I have with it.

"There is a bar around the corner, why don't we go get a couple of drinks?" He asks I nod and follow him down the street and around the corner to the bar where we drink ourselves senseless celebrating our love and numbing the pain of what is it come in the next 5 days.


	18. Chapter 18

The day has come. Time for the guys to go on tour. We are standing in a big parking lot where there is a small white van and a trailer packed with all of the guys stuff. I stick my hands in my pockets and watch as they load the last of the stuff. Frank and Ray are arguing about something not fitting in the trailer correctly and Mikey is laughing as they do so. I look around for Gerard but don't see him anywhere. I took off work early so I could see him off and he still isn't here, I am starting to get anxious. I reach into my purse and pull out a cigarette.  
The past 5 Days with Gerard have been a blast. I have never been this in love or attached with someone before. I honestly don't know what I am going to do while he is away. I take another drag and watch as Frank and Ray come to an agreement.  
"Why so anxious?" I hear a voice lurking behind me says. I turn around and see it is Gerard. My heart races and I smile and give him a kiss.  
"I was waiting for you" I say throwing my cigarette to the ground and stomping it out.  
"Well I am here" He says pulling my closer to him and puts both hands on my waist. I lean up and give him a kiss and rub my hand up his chest, he flinches in pain.  
"Ow still a little tender" Gerard says referring to his tattoo. I quickly move my hand.  
"Sorry" I apologize. "Did you tell any of the guys you have it?" I ask. Gerard shakes his head no.  
"I want this to be our little secret" He leans down and give me a kiss on the cheek. I roll my eyes and just smile. He pulls me into his chest and hugs me tight.  
"You'll always be in my heart Johanna, you're the only thing I find beautiful in this world. I am going to miss you so fucking much" I can hear the sincerity in his voice. I hug him tighter and just take in the last of him I can.  
"I love you Gerard" I whisper.  
"I love you too" He coos back, and I let the tears start falling from my eyes. He just rubs my back and lets me let it all out.  
"It will go by fast" He says moving his finders up my back and into my hair.  
"Don't forget about me" I sob. He pulls me away from his chest and glares at me.  
"I will not forget you Jo, EVER. Do you understand? I am so fucking in love with you I will not forget you okay? Just don't you forget me" he says sternly. I nod feeling more tears stream down my face. He gently wipes them away and looks over my shoulder and nods.  
"I have to go now baby" He whispers. I dive into his arms one last time and let him hold me close. His breathing gets deeper.  
"I'll call you every day I promise" He promises as he kissed the top of my head. I pull away and look up at him and he looks teary eyed, and that makes me cry even harder. I wipe my tears away as they fall and look at him one last time.  
"Okay" I respond. I lean up and give him one long last kiss. I can just feel the love between us, and I am kind of wishing I made love to him while I had the chance. We part both breathless and caught up in the moment.  
"I love you JO, stay strong for me, I'll stay strong for you" He gives me one last kiss before taking my hand and walking toward the van. The guys are leaning up against it waiting they all come up to me and give me a hug.  
"Wish you were coming" Mikey says. Everyone nods in agreement.  
"Me too guys, but I have to stay" I respond.  
"Well time go!" Frank exclaims opening the doors to the van and hopping in. I laugh. I am really going to miss these guys.  
"On the road again…" Ray sings following him and then Mikey. I gaze up into Gerard's eyes that are filled with hurt and sadness. I meet his lips one last time.  
"Call me?" I cheerfully say. He nods gives me a kiss on the cheek and gets into the van. I watch them and the trailer leave the parking lot. I wave until I can't see them anymore. Then it hits me, I am all alone for the next 3 months.


	19. Chapter 19

It has been 1 ½ months since I've last seen Gerard, kissed him, held him. I miss him so much it hurts. This pain in my chest feels like it will never go away. I've been drinking to numb to try and numb it but even that doesn't work. I have even been working 12 hour days sometimes just to keep my mind busy so I wont think about him as much or wonder what he is doing. He calls me almost twice a day, the conversations in the morning are the nicest because we both arnt as drunk. I am destroying myself with the alcohol and I know it, but I still do it. I keep promising myself that once Gerard is back here that it will all be okay, I'll feel better and eventually give up alcohol.  
Gerard usually tells me about his shows, where they are at, what being on the road is like while I tell him the very boring life of me saving animals and doing the same old surgeries. He listens and acts interested but I cant help but think he isn't interested.  
I am sitting here in the kitchen staring at the phone waiting for it to ring. It is 10:00 on a Saturday. Gerard should be awake by now. I get antsy in my seat waiting. I take a sip of my coffee and start to read my book. An hour goes by and the phone rings. I jump up almost spilling my coffee and answer the phone  
"Hello?"-Me  
"Hey Babe!"-Gerard  
"Hi!" I say cheesily back.  
"What are am sitting here in the kitchen staring at the phone waiting for it to ring. It is 10:00 on a Saturday. Gerard should be awake by now. I get antsy in my seat waiting. I take a sip of my coffee and start to read my book. An hour goes by and the phone rings. I jump up almost spilling my coffee and answer the phone  
"Hello?"-Me  
"Hey Babe!"-Gerard  
"Hi!" I say cheesily back.  
"What are you doing?" He asks  
"Oh just reading and having some coffee what are you doing?" I ask back.  
"Just woke up, the crowd last night was insane, not to mention I was pretty drunk" He says with a laugh.  
"Yeah you were…" I say remembering the conversation last night. I could barely understand him because he kept slurring his words.  
"Sorry about that, but I miss you so much baby! I am so glad I have this tattoo of you right above my heart just reminds me that you are always there for me" I feel myself blush.  
"I wish I was actually there though" I sadly say.  
"Me too, but just 2 more months and we are going to be together for a long time!" he says excitedly. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about seeing him again.  
"Yeah I cant wait!" I say excitedly back.  
"I gotta go though, we are heading for Texas have a long 2 day drive ahead of us" Gerard complains. I sigh. I hate this part saying goodbye.  
"Okay well have fun drive safe and call me later okay?" I ask.  
"Of course my love. I love you have fun today but not to much, and don't dress to sexy if you go out tonight I don't want any other guys even looking at you" He protectively says. I roll my eyes but decide not to argue with him.  
"Okay I wont Love you too bye" and with that I hang up, and the pain is my chest again.  
I go for the fridge again and pull out a beer and crack it open. I can't stand this and I walk toward my calendar and look at it. I flip back and see I have not taken a vacation in almost a year. A smile spreads across my lips. I'm going to see Gerard, I'm going to fly out and see him when he arrives in Texas on Monday.  
I pick up the phone and call Angela and let her know that I am going to be gone for 3 weeks and that she will have to hold down the fort while I'm gone.  
"Umm are you sure Johanna? I mean, what if I can't get a hold of you?" Angela's shy voice asks.  
"I'll call you a couple times a day when I get the chance and make sure everything is going to be and if Gerard calls any time I am gone just say I am with a client. I need this Ang, Im sorry I believe in you" I say hopefully boosting her confidence and it works. We arrange everything. Next step booking my flight. I dial the number for the airport and they give me the times for the next flight out. It is a red eye at 11:00 PM Sunday night with a lay over making my arrival time in Austin Texas around 10:00 AM. I book the flight, after I am done I can't help but jump up and down. I am going to surprise Gerard! Pickles joins me barking and jumping up and down.  
"Shit!" I say out loud and look at Pickles. He is looking at me, his big tongue hanging out of his mouth.  
I forgot about what the animals! I sit their racking my brain, There is no way in hell that the airlines will accept a Great Dane to ride. I quickly look for my phonebook and flip frantically through the pages until I see a dog sitting business add, I grab the phone and give them a call.  
They are very nice and say that they will come over 3 times a day and take care of the animals, I sigh letting the weight fall off of my shoulders. I pat Pickles on the head and head into my bedroom and walk to the closet. I look in the back for a suit case but can't find it. SHIT! Chad took it most likely. I clench my fist in frustration and decide to head to the mall.

I get to the mall and head for the luggage store they have and pick out 2 suitcases for my trip. I walk around and grab myself a pretzel. I haven't been to the mall in a long time. I look through random stores and buy myself a couple new outfits, then I come by a lingerie store. I stop in the middle of a bite of my pretzel and look at the pink and black lace corset and skirt in the window. I tilt my head to the side trying to imagine what I would look like in it. Might as well find out right? I strut In and look for my size in the outfit and head for the changing rooms when I run into a tall blonde man  
"Would you like to try that on?" he asks innocently. My face turns red.  
"Yes please…" I almost whisper. He takes a key from his pocket and unlocks one of the rooms.  
"Here you go, you're going to look great in that!" he enthuses.  
"Thanks…" I walk by her and into the dressing room and close the door, and try on the outfit, and she was right I do look good. I get a tint of a smile on my face when I think about what Gerard would do if he ever saw me in this.  
"Well come on out lets see how it looks!" the guy from behind the door urges. I slowly open the door and step out. She looks at me and her mouth drops in awe.  
"Oh my! You look stunning, who is the lucky guy or girl?" he asks examining me some more.  
"Thanks, and it is for my boyfriend, he is away on a trip and I am surprising him" I blush.  
"Well I'll say it is a surprise, I'm gay honey and you've got me turned on!" he compliments placing his hand on his chest. My face turns red I go back into the dressing room and get changed. Afterwards I proceed to the check out and the man helps me out.  
"This is one lucky man I'll tell you" He folds up the outfit and puts it in the bag.  
"Thanks" I say handing over my debit card.  
"Oh honey I am getting this vibe that is going to be your first time" He runs the card then looks at me. What does he have some sort of gay super power. My cheeks go pin and I avoid his eyes.  
"Oh my gosh! It is, well make it count sweetie" He hands me the bag and my card back. I snatch it back and walk out of the store.  
I arrive at home and take all my bags to my room and start tarring tags off of everything, and pack my bags. The last thing I pack in the lingerie. I stand there examining it for a while contemplating if I should wear them or not. I do love Gerard more than anything, I know I promised myself but I already know I am going to be with him forever, that he will one day be my husband so it wont be that bad if I rush it a little will it? I place it in the bag and zip it up. I sit on the bed and look at the clock, I've been out most of the day and it is already 10:30. Gerard usually calls around now….and just like clock work the phone rings. I jump up from the bed and answer the phone.  
"Hello?" I answer excitedly.  
"Heyjoitsme" Gerard slurs from the other line.  
"Hey how was the drive today?" I ask while opening the fridge and grabbing a beer.  
"It was okay, boring. I slept most of it" I hear him take a deep breath and know he is smoking a cigarette.  
"Oh I'm sorry" I take a drink of my beer and walk into the living room and sit on the couch.  
"What did you do today?" He asks.  
"Oh nothing just did some shopping"-Me  
"Anyone hit on you?" he asks in a serious tone. I roll my eyes again.  
"No Gerard no one did" – Me  
"Good, I miss you so much I wish you were here"-Gerard  
"Me too but I can't take off of work I'm sorry" I lie. I smile knowing the truth.  
"I know you have to savealotofpuppies" He slurs again.  
"Hey Gerard can I talk to Mikey please?" I ask.  
"Why?" He questions in a curious tone.  
"I just need to tell him something about one of his games he left here, Pickles got a hold of it and well destroyed it and I want to tell him" I lie again. I hate lying to him, but it is for a good reason.  
"Okay well I love you, I'll call you again tomorrow"  
"Love you too" I tell him. I hear some shuffling on the other end and lots of cussing when finally Mikey answers.  
"WHAT GAME DID THAT MONSTER DESTROY? IT BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN MY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS!" Mikey yells from the other end. I laugh.  
"Mikey calm down he didn't destroy anything yet, I need you to do me a favor. Can you get out of the same room as Gerard please? Just act mad or something" I tell him to do.  
"HE FUCKING DID? I AM SO PISSED JO HOW COULD YOU LET HIM DO THAT….okay I'm out of the room what's up?" he says calmly.  
"Listen I am flying out to Austin tomorrow night, I'm going to be there at around 10:00 in the morning. Gerard doesn't know I wanted to surprise him…" I explain.  
"NO WAY? That is so awesome! Gerard is gunna be so fucking happy. He has been really angry and drinking more since he hasn't been around you…" Mikey expressed. I frown thinking of him like that.  
"I hate hearing that Mikey… I've been miserable without him too, I just need you to do something for me. I know where you guys are playing and staying at Gerard gave me all that info, I just need you to make sure he doesn't get drunk or high at all tomorrow"  
"Ummm can I ask why?" he asks. I feel my cheeks getting hot. How can I tell him? Well he is Gerard's brother so he will hear about it one way or another.  
"I know Gerard has told you about our intimacy don't you dare lie about it cuz I know he has, and you should know that we haven't done anything yet because we are both drunk or high and I want it to happen when we are both sober…." I trail off hoping he gets the picture. He is silent for a little while then replies:  
"Oh wow okay, wow. Um… Yeah I can do that. He might be pissed off but I am sure once he knows why and what it is for he will be beyond glad I did" I smile and let out a relieved sigh.  
"And one more thing, I am not going to be home when he calls tomorrow night, or Monday morning and evening. I was going to surprise him after your show so can you keep him calm too" I ask.  
"Jo… I don't know. That is like trying to NOT get the Hulk to go green after he gets pissed, almost impossible…" – Mikey  
"Please? Think of how happy he will be when he sees me" I urge. I hear him sigh on the other end.  
"I will. But you owe me big Jo!" He threatens. I smile.  
"Thanks Mikey! See you Monday night!"  
"You're welcome bye" and he hangs up. I get up and do a little happy dance. I am going to see Gerard!


	20. Chapter 20

I arrive in Austin a little late, around noon because there was a delay in take off time. I talked to Gerard Sunday morning, he still doesn't suspect a thing. I can't help if he is wondering why I didn't answer my phone this morning. I head to baggage claim and grab my 2 bags. I look around to see if there is a transport station to a rent a car center, and find one. It takes me all the way across the airport and to the rent a car place.  
I walk out of the place with a 2001 Toyota corolla. I smile as I jump into the bright red car. It smells so good. I turn on the radio and drive out of the parking lot. According to the directions I got from the lady at the front desk the concert hall where the guys are playing is about 20 minutes away. I look at the clock on the dash board and see it is 2:30. I have 6 hours to kill before I see him. My stomach gets butterflies. I decide change into a pair of Shorts and a red tank top hopefully looking a little bit attractive for Gerard tonight. After awkwardly getting dressed in my car I decide to do some sight seeing.  
Walking around downtown Austin I look at all the tall building and random art work and statues that line the streets. It is so beautiful and hot here. I decide to step into a small café and cool off. I sit in the corner of the place with my coffee and club sandwich and begin eating when I over here 2 girls at the table next to me talking.  
"I am so excited for the concert tonight!" Girls one enthuses  
"Me too! My Chemical Romance is sooooo good!" Girl 2 responds.  
"Cha! And not to mention they are all hot, specially the lead singer" Girl one awes. I almost choke on my sandwich.  
"Think they will sleep with us?" Girl 2 giggles.  
"Who wouldn't?" Girl 1 confirms. I take a bigger bite out of my sandwich chewing angrily.  
Those stupid girls! The only person Gerard will be sleeping with tonight is me! With that thought my heart sinks. Shit! I forgot about all that part. How the hell do I seduce someone? I'm so inexperienced and well he most likely is experienced. My mouth gets dry with nervousness and I take a sip of my coffee. It will be fine…he knows I don't have any experience, maybe he can be my teacher. I get a sexy fantasy in my head, I shake it out and blush for thinking like that.  
I finish my sandwich and look at the clock. 6:45. I better get heading to the concert. I go to get up when I see a pay phone. I can check my messages by calling my house phone and entering the code I have. My curiosity peaks and I put in 50 cents and dial my home number. After entering the code the robot voice says I have 5 unheard messages. Oh boy here we go.  
Message ONE: "Hey Jo, it is about…11:30 your time. Just calling to see what is up like always call me back ASAP okay? I love you" well at least he sounded happy in that one.  
Message TWO: "Okay Johanna it is now 1:00 your time and you still haven't answered me! I'm just assuming you stayed up late drinking and passed out and are sleeping in late. Call me…Love you" He sounds a little agitated in that one.  
Message THREE: "Okay it is now, 3:00. Did I piss you off or something? I am starting to get really fucking worried and pissed off. Call me I love you" Now that one he sounded pissed.  
Message FOUR: "What the fuck did I do Jo? It is 5 fucking o'clock and you're not answering your phone. I've called the clinic about 4 times but you're supposedly in with clients. Am I not even worthy of one phone call? I am beyond pissed off now, you're not answering Mikey isn't letting me drink or get high. Just FUCK!" okay…he is REALLY pissed off.  
Message FIVE: "Jo I know you wont get this till you get home but you owe me fucking big time you hear me? *Smash* Fuck Gerard is breaking shit now. He is seriously losing it. You're lucky the concert start in 2 hours or else I'd have to let him drink or do something. He is worried you're cheating on him or left him. I am only doing this because I love you and him. And seeing his face will be priceless you understand? YOU OWE ME" Mikey hangs up the phone. And I smile Mikey said he loved me! But Gerard is beyond pissed… I hope my intentions for this evening make up for it. I hang up the pay phone and head over to the concert hall.

I arrive at the concert hall at 7:55. I didn't account traffic into my commute. I decide to stay in the back and watch this time. There are at least 800 people here. The hall goes black and the crowd starts screaming. Mikey comes out first looking into the crowd I reach up a little and wave my hand as high as I can he squints, sees me and waves back a relieved smile on his face. I quickly duck back down when I see Gerard come one followed by Ray and Frank. They open with Honey this Mirror isn't big enough for the two of us. The crowd goes crazy. I hear him sing and get chills, I missed his singing voice so much. I sway back and forth to the music. I examine the crowd. Some of the people are wearing home made MCR T-shirts and others are wearing band t shirts of bands I don't even know out the concert Gerard keeps going to the cooler they have on stage to grab a beer but Mikey makes his way over to Gerard and knock the beer out of his with the tip of his bass. The crowd goes wild thinking it is so awesome but Gerard glares at him and I giggle. They play a few more songs before Gerard speaks to the crowd.  
"This next song is dedicated to a very special girl" He pauses letting all the girls in the crowd scream letting them think it is about them. He continues  
"She is back home, and I haven't spoken to her today at all and it makes me realize how much I fucking love and miss her. This song is for her, and for all you guys this song is for that one girl you love, don't let her go" He signals to the drummer and they start playing Demolition Lovers. My eyes fill with tears of joy.  
The concert ends and everyone cheers loudly. I make way through the crowd and to the back of the stage where a tall Hispanic man is standing wearing a security shirt. I go to make my way past him when he stops me.  
"Excuse me do you have a pass?" He grunts.  
"Know but I'm Gerard's girlfriend" I announce. The man rolls his eyes.  
"Along with all of them?" He points behind me where there are at least 20 other girls screaming and holding up 'I love MCR' and 'Gerard Marry me' signs. I look back up and him with an innocent look on my face.  
"I really am his girlfriend though" I protest  
"Yeah right honey, go ahead and get in line with the rest of them" He takes me by the shoulders and turns me around. I plant my feet into the ground and turn around glaring at the tall man. That is when I see Ray behind him.  
"RAY! RAY!" I shout. Ray looks my way tilts his head sideways and walks up toward the entrance.  
"Tell him to let me in please" I say pointing to the man.  
"Johanna? What the hell are you doing here? Oh my god Gerard is going to be so happy you have no idea-" I cut him off.  
"shh! I wanna surprise him, that's why he doesn't know anything, so please let me back there" I plead. Ray nods  
"Let her in Garry, she is with us" he tells him. Garry gives me a dirty look and lets me in. The other girls behind me awe in disappointment. I turn around and stick my tongue out at Garry before following Ray. He stops in the middle of the hall.  
"What the hell! You have no idea how bad Gerard has been all day because he hasn't talked to you. You're lucky Mikey is keeping him away from the booze and drugs otherwise I am pretty sure he would be passed out and we wouldn't be able to play tonight.  
"Oh come on he can't be that bad…" I say walking past him when I hear yelling.  
"MIKEY JUST LET HAVE THE FUCKING PILLS AND BEER! I NEED THEM. SHE HASN'T BEEN IN TOUCH WITH ME ALL DAY, I THINK SHE LEFT ME. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME ANYMORE!" Gerard screams. I run down the hall and into the room. Gerard has his back to me and is staring at Mikey who is standing in between him and the fridge of beer. MIkey looks over at me and smiles.  
"Gerard…" I quietly say.  
"WHAT?" He snaps turning around. Our eyes meet and it is just the two of us. Gerard's face turns into a smile and he runs up to me and starts kissing me vigorously. I start crying tears of happiness and wrap my arms around his neck. We are floating just he and I. No one else. The love between us is so strong. We part and Gerard is just smiling just like everyone else in the room.  
"What…I am so…Why are you here?" Gerard asks shocked.  
"I am here because I couldn't stand being away from you any longer and I wanted to surprise you" I wrap my arms around his neck and he places his hands on my hips.  
" I love you so much Johanna. You surprised me alright. I was afraid I was gunna have to fly out to New Jersey and talk to you" He pulls my head into his chest. He smells strongly of Sweat. I cringe my nose and pull away and get a better look at him.  
"You're wearing make up?" I question looking at the darkness around his eyes. He does his boyish smile and shrugs.  
"Thought I'd try it out, you like it?" He asks. I nod  
"Mhhhmm" I reach up and give him a kiss.  
"Why don't you guys go get a room" Mikey says, I Look over Gerards shoulder at him and he winks at me. I give him the finger and he has a play fake hurt look on his face. I giggle.  
" Sounds like a plan, I am bushed plus I need to shower" he states.  
"Yeah you do" I agree. He looks down at me with a hurt look on his face.  
"Sorry…but its true" I admit. He shrugs and pulls me closer to him and shoves me face into his arm pitt.  
"Enjoy it babe this is what you're gunna smell for a while" I pull away from him gagging. Everyone in the room is laughing hysterically. I give them all a dirty look.  
"Alright, alright lets go. But first a couple of beers for the road" Gerard says heading towards the fridge but I stop him.  
"No, it's okay I have to drive"  
"Then one for me" He says still walking towards it.  
"No, not for you, lets just get some back at the hotel" I suggest. Gerard raises an eyebrow at me and sighs.  
"Fine" I look over at Mikey who winks and me again and I blush. I think everyone else knows too because when Gerard turns his back they all start doing air humping motions. I swear my face is as red as my shirt. I pull on Gerard's hand and lead him out the door. We step outside and there are tons of fans there screaming for him. Gerard smiles and looks at me.  
"Mind if I sign a few autographs and take some pictures?" I grin and nod.  
"Go for it babe! But first…" I reach up and give him a big kiss in front off all the fans. All the girls behind us make upset noises and I smile letting him go. 20 minutes later and we are on our way back to the Hotel.  
"I love you so much Johanna. I'm so glad you're here. I was literally going crazy without you" he admits.  
"I was going crazy without you too. I love you, I cant imagine not being with you" I say back. He puts his hand on leg and it goes numb. I've missed this feeling.  
We arrive at the hotel and go up to the room. Gerard uses the key card and we walk in. It isn't the nicest hotel but it is decent defiantly no cockroaches here. I put my bags in the corner of the room and sit down on the bed.  
"Well I'm going to shower, I'll be smelling like Roses for you soon baby" He gives me a long kiss that then turns into a mini make out session. He pulls away making me want more.  
"I've missed your kiss" He whispers and walks away and into the bathroom. Damn it! Tonight is the night, I know everything between us is forever and I know this is the right person to do this with.  
I keep thinking about high school, and all my friends that have had sex. They all regretted their first time, but not me! I know I wont. They told me that the first time is always magical. I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. I hear the shower stop. I jump out of my though bubble and reach into my bag. I grab myself a towel , my make up bag and the lingerie, and wrap the towel around them. I'm going to make Gerard think I'm going to take a shower when really I'm just going to get sexy for him. My heart races with adrenaline. Then I realize the mini bar fridge we have. SHIT! I hop off the bed and over the fridge and open it. I quickly grab everything out and stash it under the bed hoping he wont find it. I stand up just in time to see Gerard come out in his Pajamas, his hair sloppy and a smile on his face.  
"Come smell me" He commands. I follow and walk up to him and smell him.  
"Like roses" I compliment. He laugh and leans down and gives me a long kiss again, that turns into another make out session. I stop him before he gets to 2nd base and go grab my towel of stuff. He looks disappointed.  
"My turn!" I say while briskly walking to the bathroom. I lock the door, turn the shower on for the noise and look in the mirror. I grasp onto the edge of the sing and start to sway, I am getting nervous, after a while of doing that I hear a knock at the door.  
"Yes?" I answer.  
"They don't have any drinks in the fridge I was gunna run downstairs and grab some okay?" he yells through the door. SHIT!  
"No! I wanna go with you"  
"Umm…Okay? Well hurry then" I hear him walk away from the door. Must keep him sober. I unwrap my towel and look at the lingerie and makeup bag in front of me. I re apply my make up making it a little darker, make my red hair a little messier and apply my lip gloss. Now for the outfit. I put it on and look at myself in the mirror. WOW. I look like I could be a model. I smile in approval. I turn off the shower and take a few minutes making sure everything is okay. I put my hand on the door knob and take a deep breath.  
"Here we go… I tell myself"

I step into the room, Gerard's eyes are fixed on his sketchbook. "You ready to go?" He asks without even looking at me. I stay silent.  
"I said are you ready to….HOLY SHIT!" he looks at me and his jaw is on the ground. I blush. He gets off the bed and walks towards me.  
"Johanna, I….wow…." He looks me up and down and smiles. I take his head in my hands and move his gaze up to my eyes.  
"Gerard, I love you. I want to do this, with you" I press my mouth on his. He gladly accepts it and picks me up and leads me over to the bed. He kisses me softly, laying me down on my back. He parts from me and looks at me.  
"I love you so fucking much Johanna, but are you sure?" he sincerely asks. I nod. He looks me up and down again and starts kissing me much faster. I reach my hands down the end of his shirt and pull it up over his head. I smile when I see my name on his chest, I gently kiss it and then make my way back up this mouth. I feel Gerard's hands move to the back of my outfit he feels around for a bit then finally rips open the back. I gasp in shock. He smiles a crooked smile before pulling it off of me. He kisses my neck and my chest all the way down to my belly button where gently pulls off the skirt. Leaving me completely naked. He stares at me for a while and I blush.  
"You're so beautiful, and all mine" He kisses my lips hard and passionate. I Move my hands down to his pants and unbutton them he slowly slides his underwear and pants off leaving us both naked. Gerard adjusts himself between my legs and looks at me one more time.  
"Are you sure?" He asks again.  
"yes" I say nervously. He kisses me softly again, then we start making love, and it is everything i had hoped for and more.


	21. Chapter 21

When I open my eyes the room is filled with light and it hurts my eyes. Gerard's arms are draped over me. I smile and remember the events of last night, replaying it in my head, and I couldn't be happier. I roll over and see Gerard sleeping. I smile at him, he looks so peaceful and happy.

"Quit staring at me weirdo" He mumbles. I laugh and kiss his head. He lazily opens his eyes and stares at me. I smile back at him and he gives me a kiss.

"I love you" I tell him. He tightens his arms around me.

"I love you too" I nuzzle my head into his bare chest. I hear him laugh.

"You're too cute" He says rubbing my head. He puts my head in his hands and makes me look up at him, he has a huge grin on his face, but then it does serious.

"Why me? Why did you decide to do that with me?" He asks. I stay silent for a bit then answer him.

"Because I love you, and I know I'm going to be with you forever, plus I was tired of waiting, and after last night I cant believe I waited for so long" I blush. He smiles even bigger and gives me a huge kiss.

"That's why Mikey was hiding my pills and not letting me drink right?" He asks. I smile and nod.

"Well I'm glad he did" He pushes my head back into his chest. We hear a knock at the door and someone behind it yells.

"Hey love birds hurry up! We leave in 3 hours" Franks voice yells. I look at the clock it is 9:00 AM

Gerard rolls his eyes and kisses me one more time. I roll over clinging the sheet to my naked body, I wrap it around me before getting out of bed and walking toward my bags. I look back at Gerard who is watching me with a smile on his face.

"What?" I ask pulling out come clothes.

"You could drop the sheet if you want…." He gives me sexy smile. I roll my eyes.

"No, I'm going to get dressed" I say while walking toward the bathroom door. Gerard lets out a long sigh

"Finnneee" I giggle and go get dressed.

I walk out and see Gerard has changed and is zipping up his bag. He stares at me and just smiles.

"I can't believe you are here, I never asked how long you were staying for though…" he skips towards me and takes my hands in his.

"I have 3 weeks off" I explain. He nods and gives me a kiss again.

"I need to go drop my rental car off, wanna come with me?" I ask. He smiles

"How could I refuse?" he walks towards the door and opens it for me.

"Oh one more thing!" I rush over to the bed and bend down and reach under it, I feel a big bottle and grab it.

"For when we get back" I stand up and flash Gerard the bottle, he gives me a quizzicle look.

"You hid the liquor under the bed?" He ask bewildered. I grin and nod. He laughs.

"SO you would stay sober" I explain.

"Well I can honestly say that I am extremely happy I stayed sober last night" He leans down and gives me a kiss and we walk out the door hand in hand.

We arrive back at the hotel about an hour and a half later in a cab. Gerard and I walk back up to the room. I flop down at the bed and look at the ceiling. Gerard does the same and wraps his arms around me. I get chills again.

"You cold?" He asks likes always. I shake my head no.

"How about that drink then?" He asks getting up and grabbing the bottle.

"Gerard its only 11:00" I state. He looks at the clock and shrugs opening the bottle.

"It's 5:00 somewhere" He takes a sip from the top and hands it to me and I gladly take it letting the alcohol sting the back of my throat. I missed this.

"What are we suppose to do for the next hour and half?" I question. Gerard takes another drink and hands me the bottle.

"I know plenty we could do in an hour and a half" he says winking at me. I giggle and take another drink and put the bottle on the floor. He raises an eyebrow at me and is about to say something but I stop him with my kisses. I can feel him smile throughout our kiss, one thing leads to another and we end up making love again.

Gerard and I are putting back on our clothes laughing as we do. I lean over and give him a kiss.

"That was random" he says. I giggle.

"You don't want be me to be random anymore?" I pout. He looks up at me with wide eyes.

"No, no, no. I want you to be as random as you want, as many times a day as you want" he says in a panicked tone, I laugh again and kiss him. I can't believe what I have missed out on for the past 23 years. Sex is great, well I guess it is great when it is with the right person, and I know I have the right person. There is another knock on the door.

"We are leaving" Frank says.

"We are coming right now" I say standing up and grabbing my bags. Gerard follows. We walk downstairs and see all the guys waiting in the parking lot standing in front of the white van.

"We have a 5 hour drive, then we have a show at 8:00 tonight, and have to leave from the show straight to Arizona. Mikey and I decided to stay sober so we can drive through the night following the other bands tour bus." Ray tells everyone. I nod as does everyone else. We get into the van and get on the road.

Three hours later, and we are in the middle of what looks like a desert. The radio is blaring Metallica, Frank is driving, Mikey is sleeping , Ray is playing on some game boy, Gerard is sketching and I am reading. I put down my book and sigh.

"Hmm?" Ray responds.

"I'm just bored!" I confess. Everyone laughs.

"Wanna try drawing?" Gerard asks handing me his sketch pad. I look at his current drawing. It is of some weird looking characters with speech bubbles coming out of them.

"Wow these are good" I compliment.

"I bet you can draw just as good" I laugh

"yeah right"" I grab his pen and start doodling. I draw some kids in the middle of a play ground swinging on swings. I had it back over to Gerard. He smiles and looks at it and then starts laughing hysterically.

"What?" I ask.

"Um..nothing it is beautiful" He says trying to stop his laughing.

"Let me see" Ray asks. Gerard hands it to him and Ray does the same thing. I give them dirty looks.

"What?" I ask again.

"You're not my girlfriend and I know this wont affect my sex life so I can tell you straight up, Johanna, my 5 year old niece can draw better than you" he says laughing. I scowl at him and he stops.

"I wanna see" Mikey chimes in. He looks and starts laughing. I grab it from him and hand it back to Gerard.

"Assholes…" I mumble. Gerard puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him.

"I love it" He whispers in my ear. I smile

"You're just saying that"

"NO, I really do love it, it is you, grant it, it isn't good but I still love it even though it isn't perfect" he sincerely says. I hear gagging sounds coming from behind me. Ray is acitng like he is puking. I reach over the seat and punch him.

"Hey!" He yells rubbing his arm.

"Watch is afro boy, that wasn't even a hard punch" Ray gets a scared look on his face and frowns. I start laughing along with everyone else.

We arrive in Dallas around 6:00. It seems it is even more hot here. I groan as we get out of the car, but try not to complain. Gerard takes my hand as we walk into the concert hall, there are already people lined up wearing the same homemade MCR shirts and the other bands shirts, they scream as we walk in. The guys stop and sign a few cd's and take some pictures. I smile watching them. I am so proud of them, and to know I am with them during their first tour. I do a happy dance on the inside.

I decide to sit underneath a tree while the boys do their thing. IT feels so good to be out of the heat. I close my eyes and try to imagine myself in a cooler place, when I feel someone next to me. I automatically think it is Gerard.

"Hey beautiful why all by yourself" a strange mans voice to me asks. I open my eyes and look over at him. He is wearing all black, has short blonde hair and a very bright smile. He is handsome, but not as handsome as Gerard.

"Waiting for my BOYFRIEND to finish up with some fan stuff" I respond. He nods.

"Which one is he?" he asks. I point to Gerard and smiles.

"That wont last long" He states.

"And why is that?" I ask angrily.

"Because he is a lead singer of a band, THOUSANDS of girls are going to be throwing themselves on him, what makes you think he'll be with JUST you" the man pulls outa cigarette and hands me one, I take it and light up.

"He loves me, and I love him. Nothing will ever change that. He'd never leave me" I take a deep drag and blow out the smoke.

"Don't know how many times I've seen that. I am a reporter darling, this band is going to get big, and when it does his interest in you is going to get smaller. Girls from all over the world and he would want to just stay with you? Please" He scoffs. I start to get mad. And when I am about to say something I hear Gerard behind me

"NO girl in this entire universe will ever take my interest away from her. She is the one for me, just her no one else got it? Post it on your website or in your magazine, Gerard Way in love never leaving her" He takes my hand and walks away. I grin from ear to ear.

We go into the dressing room and Gerard takes out a beer and hands me one. He paces back and forth, he is pissed.

"You don't believe that guy do you?" He asks/yells. I stay silent

"No, I don't" I truthfully reply. He stops pacing comes up to me and gives me a long deep kiss.

"I've never cared for anyone as much as I care for you Johanna, and I want you to know that I love you and I always will no matter what" I smile

"Right back at you babe" He gives me another kiss and opens his beer and holds it up.

"To the all the fuckers who think this is going to end but isn't" he says, I crack open my beer and clink it against his and we both start drinking. That is the first of many, many drinks of the night and tour.


	22. Chapter 22

It's been 2 weeks since I've started to tour with the guys. It's been 9 days out of the 14 that I have woken up on a tile floor with the toilet in front of me, and me in Gerard's lap. I remember almost nothing once the sun goes down and the shows start. I just know that it is a daily scheduled thing now; Wake up from off the floor, try and remember what happened the night before, drive to some new place, get there have sex, start the show, get drunk, Repeat, and frankly I am getting sick of it. I am 100% dependent on alcohol and I know it, just don't want to admit it to anyone. I still love Gerard more and more each day, those feelings I know are true and always will be.

The tile floor under me is cold, and wet I feel around of course feel a toilet. I open my eyes and prop myself up letting my head hang low and my head ache pound in my skull. I let out loud groan, and look at Gerard who is slumped over, leaning against the bathtub. I scoot over to him and push his hair out of his face, he wakes up and looks at me. I give him a kiss on his sweat matted head . He grins and pulls me onto his lap and nuzzles my neck.  
"Have fun last night?" He asks. I shrug.  
"Don't remember most of it" I reply pushing my hair behind my ears.  
"Me either, I'm just glad I woke up with you here" He kisses me and smiles, I smile too. I love this right now, just he and I sober taking each other in for who we are. I look at him, his eyes are red, make up smeared, hair a mess and I am pretty sure a dead dog smells better than him right now, but he is mine, my Gerard.  
"I am sorry I am such a train wreck when I drink…." I apologize. He laughs  
"You're my train wreck and that is all that matters to me" He tightens his grip on my and I giggle.  
"I'm going to take a shower" I say standing up. Gerard follows swaying a bit when he gets up. He kisses me one more time before heading for the door. I watch him leave. Damn he is wearing some tight jeans….  
"Hey Gee" I shout after him, He peaks his head in.  
"I'm kind of in a random mood…." I hint. He smiles and walks up to me and starts kissing me passionately as we make our way into the shower.

We walk down stairs hand in hand. I am smiling the whole time with his hand in mine. Mikey and Frank are leaning against the white van again and Ray is closing up the trailer. They all smile cheesey smiles when they see us.  
"Why do you always give us that look when we come down?" Gerard asks.  
"Because, you two are just so….happy and it makes us happy" Miley says. I blush.  
"Oh shush with the lovey dovey shit, we know you two just had sex its written all over your face" Frank bluntly says. My face gets redder and so does Gerard's. I put my head down and hop into the van. The guys follow laughing. Ray hops into the front seat to drive.  
"So we have an interview tomorrow with MTV at noon, then we have a show, then we have to drive to Washington State, and shit. So Johanna and Gerard you will drive. SO Get fucked up tonight cuz tomorrow you guys have to stay sober." Ray states. I nod. Will I be able to go that long without drinking? I am craving it right now and it is only 11:00.

We arrive at the next concert hall by 6:30 the concert starts at 8 like always. The dressing room is set up with a long couch, 2 chairs, a giant mirror and a fridge. I go straight for the fridge my body needing alcohol, I grab a beer and chug it letting my body ease up. I sit down on the couch and watch the guys goof around with their guitars and talk about comic books and video games. Gerard is smiling, and laughing and I get butterflies. I love seeing him so happy, so at ease. I don't know what I would ever do if I saw him in pain. I stand up from the couch and walk over to him and give him a kiss on the cheek. He looks up at me and smiles  
"That was random" He says.  
"I am in a random mood" I admit. Gerard chokes on the beer he is drinking and looks up at me with wide eyes.  
"NO. Not that" I explain. His eyes get sad and he goes back to writing something on his notebook paper. I peek over his shoulder trying to see what he is writing, but he scribbles it out.  
"What are you dong?" I ask. He looks back up at me  
"Trying to write a song, but I havnt been able to lately. Just have a brain block" He admits.  
"Oh, wish I could help you" I say. He stands up from the chair placing his notebook down and turns to me placing both of his hands on my hips.  
"There is one way…" he looks me up and down.  
"No!" I say pushing him off. He gets sad again and gives me a pouty lip. Oh god he is so cute! I turn my back to him not giving in, but I can see his reflection in the mirror. He starts to kiss my neck. He knows what he is doing. I pull away from him and walk out of the room, thankfully the guys don't notice because they are all concentrated on their instruments.  
I walk out into the hallway of the building and lean against the wall and take a drink of my beer. I just have to get some space away from him or else I am afraid that I'll just do it with him not caring where or who sees. I take a deep breath calming my hormones down. Gerard walks out of the dressing room and towards me. He pushes his hair out of his eyes and gives me a kiss.  
"Whats wrong?" He asks.  
"Nothing" I respond. He lifts an eyebrow but doesn't ask anything else. I take one last drink of my 2nd beer and walk towards the trashcan. Gerard follows. Seriously? Can I get some fricking space? I turn around and see him. He pulls me into a passionate kiss. Okay never mind I don't want space! I wrap my arms around his neck and continue to kiss him. I can feel him smiling through our kiss making me smile. We finally part.  
"I love you" I say. He pushes my hair back.  
"I love you too Jo. I really think you're the one for me. I don't think that I'll be able to be without you" Gerard admits. My stomach fills with butterflies and I kiss him again.  
"You know, If you marry me there is a good chance one day you'll have to burry me" I whisper. He frowns. Then his eyes light up.  
"You just inspired me!" He picks me up off the ground and spins me. I start to laugh.  
"Inspire what exactly?" I ask when he finally puts me down.  
"A song!" He says walking back toward the dressing room with my hand in his. We get back into the dressing room and no one has even moved, Gerard sits back down in his chair and starts writing. I shrug and go for another beer.

The show is about to start, I sit at a table off to the side of the stage. After going to 10+ of these concerts I like to move around and enjoy different areas. The table where I am sitting is close to the arena bar area and the stage so it is a win win. By now my head is feeling a little light from all the beer. I finish one and order another. The lights go out and the crowd screams again as the guys comes out. I stand up and start cheering for them. Gerard takes the mike and starts singing Vampires will never hurt you. He looks straight for me and winks. I get butterflies like always.  
I sit down halfway through the show. I love watching all of them up there on stage, it is like they are completely different people up on stage. From the corner of my eye I see a tall man sit next to me. I glance over at him. He is older, maybe about 30, with black clothes and painted finger nails. Once the song is over he yells over the screaming crowd.  
"Can I buy you a drink?" I shrug. A free beer is a free beer.  
"Sure" I respond he smiles and gets up. A couple minutes later the man comes back drink in hand. I gladly take it and start to drink. I stand up again and the man mimics me standing a little to close to me. Maybe he is trying to get a better view. Gerard looks over at me again and his expression changes while he is singing. He looks a lot more angry? I don't know, but it is not good. I glance over at the guy who is looking me up and down.  
"Um hi, thanks for the drink but you're kinda in my personal bubble" I yell over the music taking a step away from him. He moves one step closer to me.  
"Dude seriously!" I yell again taking another step back.  
"I bought you a drink don't you think you owe me for that?" He wraps his arms around my shoulder pulling me closer to him. He smells of bad body odor and booze.  
"I have a boyfriend okay? He is the lead singer. Thanks for the drink, I thought you were just being nice. Now back the fuck off!" I scream. I look back at the stage, and Gerard is not taking his eyes off of us as he sings 'This is the best day ever' .  
"Oh really? He is looking right at us, I am sure he will love this" the man says and then pulls me into him forcing me to kiss him. He shoves his tongue into my mouth, I shove him off of me and throw my beer into his face and kick him in the nuts.  
"YOU ASSHOLE!" I scream. He falls the floor clutching his groin.  
I look over at Gerard who isn't looking at us. Maybe he didn't see? The music goes silent, then I see him kick over the cooler on stage and it goes flying across the stage almost hitting Frank. Everyone screams thinking it is part of the show but I know it isn't . I run past the guy on the floor and make my way into the crowd, shoving as hard as I can past everyone. They are of course cussing me out but I don't care I need to get to him. The mosh pit sways to the music making it harder for me to move and I fall down a couple times scraping my knees, I can feel the blood running down my legs. The music stops again the crowd stills. I take this time to move again, I almost there.  
"Gerard!" I yell. But he doesn't respond.  
"GERARD!" I scream again. Still nothing. I move closer, then he speaks.  
"This is usually the last song I sing for the night, I always dedicate it to ONE special girl out there, but tonight I am dedicating it to all you single ladies!" He says into the mike. The girls scream. I stay frozen in place. The band members stay still giving him shocked looks. Mikey goes up to him and whispers something into his ear. Gerard shakes his head no and signals for them to play, and they do.  
My heart sinks and I feel the tears coming, and I let them. He just doesn't understand! I let the people swaying to the music control what direction I go. I feel like I am lost in the ocean and I am drifting farther and farther away from land. I close my eyes and make my way out of the crowd again. I get out of the sea of people and head for the front doors. I run outside and down the street, letting my tears run down my face. That is MY song. How could he ever do this to me? Over a mistake? I now start to get angry. I keep walking not knowing where I am going. I see a liquor store and go inside and buy myself a bottle of vodka  
I lean against the wall out front slamming as much of the clear liquid as I can my vision starts to blur and I know I've had enough. I put the cap back on the bottle and make my way back to the concert hall. Fueled with anger and sadness.  
I arrive back at the concert hall, and see all the fan girls screaming . I roll my eyes at them, when 2 girls catch my attention. IT is the 2 bimbos from back home. They really did follow him here! I get even more angry. I walk past them hoping not to hear anything but of course I do.  
"Hey he finally dumped you!" Girl one says. I turn around and face her  
"About time, he is way to hot for your plane ass" Girl 2 chimes in.  
"Listen here you two dumb sluts. He will NEVER be in to you. Go it? WE are together, we didn't break up there has been a HUGE misunderstanding between us. SO BACK THE FUCK OFF!" I scream at them. They look shocked, but I just smile and walk over to Garry, who lets me back stage no questions.  
I walk through the building and down the hall to where I know the dressing room is. Not even half way down the hall I can hear screaming, and I know it is Gerards. I can't quite make out what he is saying but I walk faster towards the door when Ray comes up from behind me and stops me.  
"Don't go in there Jo! He is beyond pissed off, I've never seen him this mad. What the fuck happened?" He shouts. I look him up and down wabbling a bit.  
"Some asshole kissed me, forced kissed me I should say. Gerard saw, he doesn't know the guy shoved me into him and forced his tongue down my throat" I explain. Ray nods.  
"Okay, well please don't go in there let him cool off" He warns. I roll my eyes and walk into the room any way. Mikey is standing in the corner, his eyes wide with fear. Gerard again has his back to me.  
"That 2 timing slut! I bet she is out fucking him right now!" He shouts. Mikey looks at me and signals with his eyes for me to leave but I ignore him.  
"Really? A Slut? That is what you're gunna call me? You don't even know the situation!" I holler back at him. Gerard turns on his heels, his face red with anger. Mikey takes this opportunity to leave. Our eyes lock and there is that passion between us again. Red, hot, angry, happy passionate love. Gerard breaks the silence.  
"Where is your lover?" He sarcastically asks.  
"He isn't my lover Gerard will you please listen to me?" I try to say calmly. But it doesn't work.  
"Listen? What is there to listen to? Hmm? How I saw you cuddling with him up in the bar area? Then how you kissed him?" He screams. My blood starts to boil.  
"I KISSD HIM? No, the other way around you fucking idiot! He bought me a drink, then expected that I pay him back for it! I said no, then he forced his tongue down my throat!" I yell back.  
"Don't lie I saw everything and you liked it!" He chugs his beer and smashes the can into the wall .  
"Really you saw EVERYTHING? Did you see me throw the beer in his face then kick him in the balls?" I ask. Gerard is silent. I can't control what I say next, it is like word vomit.  
"How DARE you EVER think I would cheat on you. I love YOU Gerard, and only you! You must be a fucking idiot to not see how much I love you! Why else would I get this tattooed on me?" I say lifting my shirt up and showing him his name on me. His eyes are wide and he is still silent, I continue on  
"You took OUR song and you dedicated it to a bunch of single horny sluts that are all waiting for you outside! I can't believe you'd break my heart like that! That you'd take something so dear and special to me and give it to someone else! I GAVE you my virginity, because I love you and I wanna be with you forever. Or so I thought. Maybe I should've never gotten this stupid tattoo" I walkover to the make up counter where I see a permanent marker. I take the cap off and scribble out his name so it is just a black line. I look in the mirror at it and at me. My face is red, and tears are falling down my face. I wabble again as I put my shirt on and stumble towards the door bottle in my hand.  
Gerard follows me I can hear his footsteps behind me.  
"Jo! Please! I am sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I should have talked to you first" He yells after me. I ignore him and keep storming out the door.  
"Please Johanna I love you! Don't do this, don't leave me!" I keep walking the door is in sight. I am not going to give into him, let him think he can get away with treating me like that. I've been abused too much! I am not going to let him emotionally abuse me now. We are outside now, he is still walking after me. All the fans scream as they see him. I stop in front of the gate they are behind.  
"Here you go! All these girls you dedicated OUR song to!Since this is what you want, this is what you get!" I yell to him. He looks at me shocked. The fans get quiet. I look down at my knees still bleeding, and my shirt soaked in sweat. His shirt, I should say. I rip it off and throw it at him. Sure I may be over reacting a bit, but I need to prove my point.  
I turn my back to him and stumble into the dark streets not sure where I am heading.


	23. Chapter 23

I wake up the following day on a bed, not a tile floor. My head is pounding. I am hoping that yesterday was all a dream but when I open my eyes and see I am in nothing but my bra, a pair of jean shorts and my converse I know it wasn't. Where am I ? I sit up, my head spinning and look around. I am definitely in a hotel. I stand up swaying back and forth. I look at the ground and see Ray sleeping soundly. Why the hell is Ray here? I am about to wake him up, when there is a lurch in my stomach and I run to the bathroom spilling the contents of my stomach.  
"You okay?" I hear Rays voice behind me. I must've woken him up. I flush the toilet and stand up.  
"What happened last night?" I ask going to the sink and rinsing my mouth out with water.  
"You don't remember?" he asks.  
"No, well I remember walking away from Gerard and sitting on a bus stop bench and drinking from my vodka bottle but after that nothing" I recall. Ray nods.  
"Well pretty much, after you stormed away from Gerard, he went even more crazy than before. He started drinking heavily, and popping pills like candy saying you had walked off and wernt coming back. I knew you were pretty trashed so I went after you to make sure that nothing bad happened to you, good thing too since you were wearing nothing but that when I found you." Ray explains.  
"Where exactly did you find me?" I question.  
"I found you on the bench, but you were crying hysterically and some other creepy pervert guy was there 'comforting' you. Who knows what could've happened if I didn't show" My stomach drops. I run up to him and give him a tight hug. He is a little taken back but then hugs me back. I give him a kiss on the cheek.  
"Thank you" I say. He smiles a boyish smile and says  
"You're welcome but you really should talk to Gerard. He was really upset, you didn't meant what you said did you?" Ray steps back and has a worried look in his eyes.  
"No, I could never. I love him way to much, can you walk me to his room so I can put a shirt on?" I shyly ask. Ray looks down at me, forgetting that I was pretty much topless. He blushes and nods.

Ray slips his key in the door and opens it quietly.  
"Good luck" He wishes me and walks away. I sigh and walk into the room.  
There are clothes everywhere, broken beer bottles, the TV is on the floor and Gerard lays on the bed passed out. My heart hurts looking at him like that. WE were both just so drunk last night. I pick up one of his T-shirts from off the floor and put it on. I carefully walk over to the bed and sit down next to his limp body. His face is red from the fake blood he put on it last night, and his make up smeared. He looks terrible. I put my hand on his shoulder and kiss him on the cheek.  
"Gerard" I whisper shaking him a little. His eyes fluttler open and he stares at me with sad eyes.  
"You came back" he whispers.  
"Yeah, of course I did. I love you my little Peter Pan" I coo to him giving him a kiss on the cheek. He smiles and pulls me down so I am laying right next to him. I face him our noses touching. We stare at each other for what seems like forever, the electricity between us strong when he finally speaks.  
"I fucked up Jo, I am so sorry. I should've asked you about it first. I know you'd never cheat on me. I just went crazy thinking about you with another guy, with you not here next to me. I lost it last night, I don't even remember half of what I did" He whispers sadly.  
"Gerard, it okay. We both were really drunk and not thinking straight. My heart hurt so bad after everything" I admit.  
"Did you mean what you said about your tattoo?" He questions. I shake my head no.  
"Of course not" Our eyes lock again there is nothing but pure angry, happy, passionate love between us. Gerard smashes his lips on mine, kissing me furiously. I of course kiss him back. After several minutes of making out we part.  
"I love you so fucking much Johanna. I don't want you to go back to Jersey in 2 days" He says sadly. I kiss him and say  
"I love you too. But I have to. You'll be gone for one more month then you'll l be with me for a long time after that." I soothe trying to make everything seem like it is okay. Gerard sighs and pushes my head into his chest placing his chin on the top of my head. We stay like this for a while, when I get that lurching feeling in my stomach again. I quickly stand up and go throw up in the bathroom. Within seconds Gerard is by my side holding my hair.  
"Had a little bit to much again?" he asks. I nod my head. After I think I am done I stand up.  
"I am going to shower, we have to get you to your MTV interview soon" I state walking out of the bathroom and over to where my suitcase is.  
"Mind if I join you?" Gerard asks slipping his arms around my waist. I get butterflies.  
"Of course not" I respond. I look through my bag trying to find an outfit to wear when I come across a box of tampons. I get still and stand up.  
"What is todays date?" I ask.  
"September 26th, why?" he questions back. I stand there doing the math in my head and my body goes stiff. Gerard notices.  
"What is wrong?" I stay silent.  
"Come on Jo what is it?" He turns me around to face him and he can tell by the look on my face something isn't right.  
"Please tell me what the fuck is going on!" He demands.  
"I'm Late" I plainly say.  
"For what? Was your flight scheduled for today or...?" He trails off.  
"My period, it is late"


	24. Chapter 24

Gerard stands motionless, shocked. He blink his eyes rapidly a few times and sits on the bed. I follow him and sit down.  
"But how? We were careful?" he says flabbergasted . I shake my head.  
"I don't know, I need to get to a doctor ASAP" I say standing up  
"Why?" He asks.  
"Because Gerard, I've been drinking A LOT. I need to know that if I am pregnant that nothing bad has happened to the babies development" I pick up a phone book and start flipping through it.  
"Can't you just take one of those pee test?" He asks. I pick my head up and look at him.  
"Yeah…I guess I should do that first…" I gulp. So Does Gerard. "Why don't you get in the shower, I'll go get a test and see if we have anything to worry about okay? And if we do then I'll make the appointment for right after the interview. We'll just tell the guys I am sick and I need to get checked out, we can get on the road a little late" I stand up from the bed and grab my wallet.  
"Okay, Jo, I love you" Gerard stands up and gives me a soft kiss. I smile at him and walk out the door.

There is a local continence store about 3 blocks away. I walk awkwardly through the isles looking for the pregnancy test. I never thought I'd be doing this so soon. How could I be this stupid! I should've waited! I should've! I have been drinking non stop for the past 2 weeks or so and now, I could have been injuring my own child's development. I feel nothing but anger inside. I grab the test and walk up to the checkout lane. There is an older girl maybe about 30 or so working. I put the test down and she smiles at me.  
"Oh! I hope you get the results you want hun! My husband and I have been trying for 5 years but still nothing. How long have you and your husband been trying?" She asks putting the test in a bag. My palms get sweaty and my heart is filled with guilt.  
"Um this is the first time" I lie. This isn't the first time we've "tried" we didn't even try! And this poor lady has been trying for 5 years for a baby she wants, I don't want a baby right now! The lady nods. I hand her my money.  
"Well good luck I hope it is positive!" She waves goodbye to me and I walk out the door bag in hand.  
How stupid am I? Seriously? We've been safe, VERY safe how could this happen. Wait..I know how. Guarantee we were drunk as hell one night had sex, used no protection and BAM! Here I am possibly caring Gerard's child. As I walk I feel like people are looking down at me. Like they know what I've done. Getting pregnant out of wedlock. Fuck! What will my mother say? I can't even imagine. Panic rises deep inside of me and I have to lean against the building wall to calm myself down.  
"You're not pregnant, you're not pregnant, please god don't let me be" I pray. I calm down and continue walking.  
I arrive back to the hotel. When I walk into the room Gerard is pacing back and forth. His hair still wet from his shower. He sees me come in and hugs me tight. I hug him back, both of us feeling the same.  
"Well here I go" I pull out the test and walk into the bathroom.

I walk out the test in hand, it still showing a blank.  
"Well?" Gerard asks running up to me.  
"We have to wait a bit" I explain. I put the test down on the dresser and sit on the bed. I put my head in my hands. I feel Gerard sit next to me. He puts his hand on my back and starts rubbing.  
"We'll be okay" he says positively. I sigh and look up at him.  
"What if I am?" I ask. Gerard stays silent. I stand up and look at the test, Gerard follows. He leans over my shoulder. Both of us shocked by the answer. There is a plus sign. I am pregnant. Gerard steps back and sits down again. Shaking is head.  
"How? How could this happen?" He asks himself. I feel tears coming but I push them away. I must stay strong.  
"I am calling the doctor" I go over to the phone book and look up a OBGYNs number and call it. After several minutes on the phone I have an appointment at 3:00. Gerard is still sitting in the same position.  
"We have to get you to your interview" I say trying to get things on a different subject.  
"Fuck no, I am not going. I can't go not like this. FUCK! This ruins everything! Just when everything was going fine" he says out loud. I cross my arms and glare at him.  
"Ruined everything? Excuse me, but this is not ruining anything it is taking our lives a different direction!" I sternly say back to him. He stands up and look at me, with anger in his eyes.  
"I don't want it to go in this direction Johanna! I wanted to travel the world with my band, make records, make a difference in peoples lives! I am going to. I still am. I am going to be there for you, hell I'll even marry you, but I can't give this up. This is a once in lifetime chance" He steps closer to me. "You understand don't you?" I feel so angry at him. I bite my lip trying not to say anything. I love this man so fucking much. Right now I hate how much I love him, because I want him to have this dream. I wont make him give it up. I nod.  
"I understand" I whisper. He kisses the top of my head and pulls me into him.  
"I love you Johanna. We are going to make this work. I promise you that. I promise I am going to stay right by your side" He stokes my hair. But somehow I doubt what he is saying.  
"Lets go" I say pulling away from him wiping tears from my eyes.

We arrive to the studio where the interview is. There a bunch of cameras and a couch for the guys to sit on, while a single chair is across from it. The guys know nothing, Gerard seems like he has completely forgotten about it, but me I just can't. I have a child inside of me that may be growing up fatherless because he wants to live out his rock star dream. I feel my blood boil and anger rise up all I want to do is drink, but I cant. A single tear flows down my cheek but I wipe it away. Gerard comes up from behind me hugging me. Why arnt there butterflies? I turn around and he smiles at me.  
"I love you so much" He gives me a kiss. "I told the guys you need to see a doctor. They are cool with it. I am going to be right by your side okay? I am going to do everything I can for the two of you" He gives me another kiss and looks at me awaiting my reply.  
"Besides be there" I say coldly. He gives me a confused look.  
"You said you were okay, you lied?" He asks through clenched teeth.  
"Just do your interview" I say pointing to the couch.  
"No tell me what is wrong now Jo" He demands.  
"Gerard we are going to need you and the other band members in front of the cameras please" A cameraman asks. Gerard just gives me a dirty look and heads for the couch and sits down.  
Another man enters the room. The interviewer I am assuming. He sits down in the chair and introduces himself. I can't quite hear his name but the cameras start rolling.

"I am here with My Chemical Romance today. A band from New Jersey that has been together for less than a year and already made an album called 'I brought you my bullets you brought me your love' that has been selling like crazy across the U.S.A. Now tell me guys how is this feeling for you?" –Interviewer  
"Great, we couldn't be happier. This is something I think we've always DREAMED of."-Gerard. My anger rises more hearing him say that, he is doing it on purpose.  
"Awesome. How is the tour going? Do you miss home yet?"- Interviewer  
"No not yet I am enjoying seeing the country and meeting our fans"-Frank  
"I miss sleeping in my own bed" –Mikey  
"I miss our local resteraunts that's about it though"-Ray  
"No, I brought the only thing I would miss from home with me"-Gerard.  
My anger goes down a little and my butterflies come back. Maybe he does care and wants this. I know I do. I smile at him, and he smiles back.  
"And what did you bring with you Gerard?"-Interviewer  
"Something that I love with all my heart, and would never EVER dream of giving up for anything, anyone, or any situation"-Gerard. Okay now I am jelly again. Gosh how does he do this?  
"I see. So you are all single guys I assume, how is that? Having girls around have you found anyone yet?"-Interviewer  
"No, not yet us three are still single" Ray says pointing to him Mikey and Frank. Gerard looks down at the ground.  
"SO Gerard is the only one not single?"-Interviewer  
"I am not single. I am very much involved with someone" –Gerard. The interview looks a lot more interested.  
"But you're the lead singer of the band, Must be hard having all those girls and staying in a relationship right?" –Interviewer  
"No, not really. She is the only one that will ever have my heart" –Gerard. I sigh and feel like I am on cloud nine. I love this man so much!  
"So marriage, kids everything with this one girl?"-Interviewer  
"I think so"-Gerard. My heart picks up. He does care. He is going to be there.  
"Good. Nice to hear. So are you guys excited about starting up a tour with the Used this Winter?" –Interviewer.  
WAIT WHAT? Another tour? He never said anything about that to me. He is going to be gone again? While I am home alone pregnant with HIS child. My blood starts to curl again.  
"Yes very excited to be going on tour with them, we have always enjoyed their music"-Gerard says avoiding eye contact with me now. Oh I am beyond pissed at him. I turn around and leave the studio and stand out in the alley way pacing back and forth.  
He is leaving me? He said he wasn't going to give up his dream I understood that, but leaving me DURING my pregnancy and possibly not being there for the birth of our child? No! No! No! No! I let the tears flow and lean up against the wall just crying my eyes out for what seems like forever when Gerard stands in front of me.  
"Jo baby what is wrong?" Gerard asks pulling me into his arms , but I push him away.  
"You're leaving me AGAIN? While I am pregnant with your child?" I say pointing to my stomach.  
"Jo I was going to tell you but then this morning happened and I don't know. I am going to be there I promise!" –He pleads.  
"No you wont! You're just going to be on tour the whole fucking time getting drunk, while I am alone!" I cry more. He pulls me into his arms and I don't object this time.  
" I promise Jo, that I'll be there for you. We get breaks. 3 days-1 week every 2 months or so. I'll spend those with you" He tries to calmly say.  
"Oh cool. So what will that be? I get to spend a total of 3 weeks with you out of a 9 month pregnancy! I don't want that Gerard!" I scream. He looks taken back. "Lets talk about this later we have to get you to the Doctor" he says calmly trying to get me calm. I sigh and realize he is right. I wipe my tears away and head for the van.

We are in the waiting room of the doctors office. Gerard and I haven't spoken since we were in the alley way. We are both just nervous and scared and angry. I feel his hand clasp mine and I squeeze it back. I look at him and get lost in his hazle eyes. I hope our baby has his eyes. I lean in and give him a soft kiss.  
"I'd do anything for you Johanna I mean it. I am willing to give everything up for you. I want to be here for you during this. We did this together we are going to get through this together Im not going to leave you while. I was selfish for saying that" He admits. I smile at him. I love him so much and I give him another kiss.  
"Johanna Retorio? " A nurse from the door way calls out. Gerard and I stand up going in hand and hand into the doctors.

After and hour of poking and prauding in awkward places we sit in front of the doctors desk. He is bald, about 50 years old and wearing a lab coat. He is looking over a file and then closes it and looks at us holding his own hands.  
"Well Johanna and Gerard I know you guys only came here for one reason and one reason only and that is to see how your baby is, because as you've stated Johanna you have been drinking excessively correct?" He asks me. I feel so small.  
"Yes sir" I respond.  
"Well after running some tests and doing the ultra sound it is safe to say there is nothing to worry about" I sigh in relief but then the doctor continues.  
"Because there is no baby. You're not pregnant Johanna" I stare at him in shock so does Gerard.  
"But my period is late!" I explain  
"And the test was positive" Gerard adds. The doctor lets out a slight chuckle.  
"Well there are several reasons why your period could be late, and several reasons why that pregnancy test showed up positive. You've explained to me that you have been traveling and under a lot of stress plus the drinking. That can cause your hormones to go haywire, making your period late, and showing a positive urinary pregnancy test. After a night of drinking alcohol it might not be the best to take a pregnancy test because you said you have been stressed lately, so my best guess is you're to stressed and in an unfamiliar environment so of course your body is going to adjust to it" He explains. I nod and feel some sadness inside of me. Gerard lets outa sigh of relief.  
"Thanks so much doctor" I say shaking his hand, Gerard does the same and we walk out of his office.  
"Yes! Everything is fine Johanna!" Gerard says pulling me into a kiss. But I don't get the same feeling now. He looks at me and can tell something is wrong.  
"Aren't you happy?" He asks. I smile and nod.  
"Yes" I lie. He gives me a weird look but doesn't ask anything else. He takes my hand and we walk out of the doors and we get on the road.


	25. Chapter 25

We are driving 8 hours, all through the night for their next show in Seattle. It is around midnight and everyone except for me and Gerard are asleep. I stare out the passenger side window and watch as the world goes by. We haven't spoken much, Gerard seems much happier less stressed, I wish I could say the same.  
As much as I didn't want to have a baby right now, I am disappointed that we didn't. Gerard was going to come back home with me and stay there, not just leave again. Now he is going to go on another tour, and I know I won't be able to take 3 weeks off again to see him. My heart hurts just thinking about it. I want to be able to have kids, get married, settle down but with Gerard I realized today that will never happen. I want a husband that is going to be there when I get home from work. Someone who will be there the days that I am upset and stressed. All he will be is on the phone, piss ass drunk not even remembering what I say. But then again will I be drunk too? NO! No I won't! I am giving it up as soon as I get home. I let out a sigh of frustration.  
"What is up?" Gerard asks taking his eyes off the road for a brief second  
"Just nothing" I reply.  
"You sure?"  
"Yes I am sure alright" I snap. Is eyes get wide and he sighs heavily.  
"Please tell me what is wrong, don't pull that whole 'I'm fine' shit when you really aren't it doesn't go over well with me. Just be straight up please" He pleads. I roll my eyes and continue to stare out the window.  
"Don't roll your fucking eyes at me either Jo. You know I hate that. Just talk to me please" He pleads again. I sigh. No matter fighting even more with him.  
"You're leaving again. I leave tomorrow morning. We will be apart another month just for you to come back through New Years? Then leave AGAIN all Winter and Spring. I love you so much Gerard you don't even know." I express. Gerard stays silent for a bit. His face concentrated on the road in front of him.  
"I am leaving yes. It is going to be hard as hell Johanna, but I believe we can do it. I love you more than anything. We will be together. Even if it means me flying out to see you every day I have off of tour, I will. I love you, I really do" That just hurts my heart even more. If he loves me so much why is he leaving me?  
"Okay." I reply.  
"I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my rock babe" The hurt in my heart is back.  
"You're my world" and I mean that. He has become my everything.  
I turn my focus back out to the window watching everything pass by. Today was a huge wake up call. I can't make Gerard give up his dreams, but I can't give up mine either. I want to be married, I want to have kids and a husband to come home to everyday. With Gerard that just isn't going to happen. I have a huge decision to make.  
Do I give up my dreams and follow him on the road? Get drunk every night not remembering the day before? Living a rock star dream just to be with the man I love more than anything? Or do I leave him, and have a life of my own? I feel a deep stab in my chest thinking about that option. But I know I have too. But that also leaves the challenge of me moving. There is no way I'll be able to stay in that house with all of our memories. I'm going to have to move. Will I have to leave Jersey? Go back home to Colorado so I can become me again? I think I might. I think I will. Meaning I'll have to sell my practice. FUCK! I don't want to do this.  
But the more I think about, the more I realize that it is the right thing FOR me. I have to put myself first right now. I let silent tears roll down my face. I can't keep Gerard from his dream, and he can't keep my from mine. Tomorrow when I leave it will be the last time I see him, kiss him be with him. More tears fall down my face and I wipe them away.  
"Wanna switch?" Gerard asks. I nod not looking at him. A few miles a head he pulls into a gas station. We fill up and go inside to get some coffee. I go to the restroom while Gerard is getting our coffee. I wash my face and stare at myself awhile. Trying to fright this war that is going on inside of me.  
"Shut up! This is right Johanna. Make every second of this last day count. It is the last you'll have with him" I say to myself. I walk out of the restroom and see Gerard filling up the coffee. I go behind him and wrap my arms around his chest/back area. He lets out a laugh, turns around and kisses me softly. I smile at him. His Hazel eyes burning into my pale blue ones. How am I going to do this?  
"I love you" I say  
"I love you too, I am so sorry about everything that happened" He says. I put my head into his chest taking in his scent.  
"Come on lets get back on the road" he says grabbing our coffees and heading to the front of the store. I nod and follow him. We get on the road again, nothing but blackness ahead of us.

We arrive in Seattle around 6:oo the next morning. I am exhausted and so is Gerard. We pull into the hotel parking lot and check in. The guys still groggy from waking up slowly make their way inside with us. Gerard and I go up to our room and collapse on the bed. I curl up next to him and nuzzle my head into his chest.  
"I'm going to miss this" I admit.  
"Me too" he wraps his arms around me and kisses my head. I smile and let out a laugh. I take my head out of his chest and look at him again. Those eyes get me every time! How am I going to do this?  
I press my lips to his pushing myself on top of him. I feel him smile through our kiss. I part out lips and sit up straight. He places his hands on my hips.  
"You're so beautiful" Gerard moves his hands up the back of my shirt and I let him take it off. This is the last time we will make love, sober. I lean down and kiss him again. I am going to make this one count.

After our love making we fall asleep in each other's arms, not waking up until 6:00 that evening. My eyes open and I feel at peace. I look up at Gerard's peaceful face. I am going to miss this look of his. I slip my way out of his arms and change into some clothes for the night. I look in the mirror at myself , really look at myself for the first time since the tour has started. I've lost a lot of weight since I've starting touring. I look like a bag of bones. I weighed about 125 when the tour started and if I had to guess how much I weighed now I'd say 100-102 pounds. I look awful. How did I not see this before? I know, because every time I looked in the mirror I was drunk and though I was hot when I wasn't. How does Gerard think I am hot? I look at the counter and see his pills. That's how.  
I read the labels and decide to take one of each of his 3 pills just to see how he feels. Within minutes I am feeling it. I feel calm, relaxed. I look in the mirror again and I see myself as being pretty. Am I though? I don't care.  
I float into the next room and plop down next to Gerard. His eyes spring open and he smiles at me. I bend down and sloppily kiss him. He notices and gives me a weird look.  
"Are you okay?" He asks. I nod  
"I am so fucking happy Gerard!" I cheer. I go to the mini fridge and pull out a couple of mini shots and hand one to him.  
"To us! And our fucking dreams and never letting them die!" we clink them together and I down mine. Gerard stares at my curiously then drinks his.  
"Calm down babe, the show doesn't start for another hour or so" He gets off of the bed and looks in his bag, I watch him closely, then just start laughing. He gives me another look as he starts to change into his stage clothes.  
"Let me do your make up!" I say grabbing the bag out of his hand. He just laughs.  
"What is up with you? And okay if you want to" he sits down on the bed and I bend down in front of him. I grab black eyeliner and put that on him. His eye starts to twitch.  
"Stop it!" I command.  
"Sorry just weird having someone else do it" He admits. I reach more into his bag and see red eye shadow. I put it all around his eyes. Normally he adds it to his face blood look. I put a little bit more black around his eyes.  
"Walah! All done!" I say excitedly. Wow why am I in such a great mood?! Oh right…the drugs. Gerard stands up and looks in the mirror on the wall.  
"What the fuck Johanna?!" He exclaims. I flinch.  
"You don't like it?" I question.  
"No I don't like it! I fucking love it! Wow!" He says admiring himself in the mirror. I smile. He comes up to me and picks me up twirling me and kissing me. Sparks are flying and I love it. He sets me down.  
"Lets get out of here and to the show" he grabs my hand and we fly out the door.

When we get downstairs the guys are waiting like they usually but this time their reaction is different. Their eyes get wide and they all smile genuine smiles.  
"Gerard your makeup looks fucking awesome!" Mikey compliments. A huge boyish smile comes across Gerard's face.  
"Johanna did it, you like?" He asks everyone they all nod.  
"I think I might have to put my own twist on that" Franks says taking a sip out of his beer.  
"I like red eye shadow on him" I say. Gerard kisses me again giving me chills. I love this man! I am just so happy right now, but I know it isn't genuine. It is because of the drugs. We all hop into the van going to the last MCR show I'll ever go to.

The show that night is like any of the others. I am beyond high, and beyond drunk right now. How I remember anything I don't know. This show I am standing right in the front making eye contact with Gerard the whole time. He doesn't stop looking at me. Then it comes time for our song and this time he does a different speech than the one last time.  
"This song, is about a girl I am absolutely crazy about. I wrote this song before I even met her. This song has and always will be hers. She is leaving me tomorrow to go back home, and I want to let her know how much I fucking love her right here and right now" He puts the mike back in the stand and walks over to me, leans down and kisses me passionately. Everyone in the crowd awes at us. I am just so happy! But then it hits me, this is the last time I'll hear this song, the last time he'll dedicate it to me, the last time he will sing it with it going out to me. Tears start running down my face. I love him, I can't give him up! I won't! I need him! He pulls away from me and starts singing. I let my tears fall even more. I can't do this. I can't leave him, he is my dream, my future, and I honestly don't know if it is me talking or the drugs but I still want to be with him. I grab a beer out of some random dudes hand and start drinking it wanting to escape this pain. The guy looks at me with a weird look but just shrugs.  
"You're Gerard's girl so its cool" He yells over the music. And that just makes me cry harder. I won't be for long, and that is the last thought I have for the night.

Gerard's arms are around me again. I smile at that. I'm not on a tile floor. He is sleeping soundly letting a few random snores escape. I again get up and walk into the restroom and look at myself. Woa. What the fuck happened to me? There are bags under my eyes and vomit on my shirt and I smell like something died. Is this what I want? To wake up looking like this every day? No, no it isn't. I don't want to leave Gerard but I have to. This isn't my life it is his. I feel the sadness coming back and all I want to do is feel as happy as I did yesterday. I check my watch. 9:30. My plane leaves at 12:00. I have to get the airport. I quickly change my clothes and take a couple of Gerard's pills for the plane ride home, for when I am feeling depressed.  
I walk back into the room and start quietly packing my things. But not quiet enough, Gerard wakes up.  
"What are you doing?" He asks sleepily.  
"Packing, my flight leaves in almost 2 hours" I say zipping up my bag.  
"Shit! You're leaving today?" He pops out of bed like a jack in a box.  
"Yeah remember?"  
"Yeah, I do fuck! Why did we get so trashed I should've made our last day better I should've done so much more! " he says angrily. I walk over to him and give him a kiss.  
"It is okay. Why don't you get yourself all handsomed up and we can get going?" I suggest. He smiles and kisses me back.  
"Of course"

We arrive at the airport just in time. Everyone is there to see me off. I give each of them a hug. I am going to miss the hell out of them. I give an extra long hug to Ray. He and I have gotten so close the past 2 ½ weeks. I give him a kiss on the cheek and he blushes.  
"Thanks for everything" I tell everyone.  
"We're going to miss you JO, you're one of us" Frank says. I feel my cheeks getting red.  
"Thanks guys. Be safe okay?" The all smile  
"When aren't we safe?" Mikey sasses back. I stick my tongue out at him and he does the same to me. I laugh and so does he. Now it is time for Gerard. Everyone can tell so they walk out of the doors and give us some alone time. My heart is sinking fast. Tears are forming behind my eyes but I hold them back. Our eyes meet and it is just us. No one else. He can tell I am about to lose it and he pulls me into him. I can't control it anymore. I let the tears flow sobbing into his chest. This is the last time I am going to be this close to him. He pulls my tear streaked face out of his chest and puts my face in his hands and stares at me.  
"This is so fucking hard Johanna. So hard! I don't want to let you go." I can see his eyes getting teary and that causes me to cry even more. He wipes them away.  
"I need you Jo. You have no idea how fucking much I need you. You're my first real love and my only one you understand me? No one will ever take your place. So don't you even think anything like that okay?" He expresses. I nod. I feel like such a bitch, but it is the right thing to do.  
"I love you. You've been my only love Gerard, and I have feeling you always will be, no one will replace you" I say through sobs. He gives me a boyish smile.  
"I am so glad to hear that" He kisses me head again. "You better go, they are calling your flight number" I wipe my own tears away this time and nod. We lock eyes again. Our love burning. Gerard crashes his lips into mine. I fully accept them. Kissing him back as passionately as I can. I also hear camera's going off by I don't care. This is the last time I'll kiss him. More tears stream down my face but I feel a few more. I pull away from him and see he is crying too.  
"I love you so fucking much. " He kisses me softly again. This time I wipe his tears away.  
"I love you too. Call me after your show tonight, I should be home" I tell him.  
"Of course"  
I kiss him one last time before heading to my gate. I turn back and look at him one more time knowing that is the last time I'll ever see him.

Please comment and let me know what you all think! Don't worry there is much much more to come!


	26. Chapter 26

I arrive home around 8:00 Pm. I slowly open the door and step inside. Right away I am knocked to the ground and my face is being covered in dog slobber. I start laughing. Pickles gets off of me panting and wagging his huge rope of a tail.  
"I missed you too!" I tell him patting his head. He wags his tail even harder and kisses me again. I here a soft meowing coming from behind me and I see batman. He crawls into my lap and starts purring. I smile and caress his back.  
I look around my living room. Gerard's art covers the walls. I feel a pain in my chest again. This is going to be harder than I thought. I slowly stand up and walk into the kitchen to grab some beer. I go to open it and right there is a picture of Gerard and I kissing in front of some coffee shop. Mikey took that picture. I take it off and throw it into the trash. I have to do this! I tell myself. I throw open the fridge doors and grab a beer. All I want to do is feel happy. Then I remember Gerard's pills. I reach into my pocket and grab them, throw them into my mouth and take a big drink of beer and swallow them. I look around my house. Everywhere I look, there is a memory I had with Gerard. I close my eyes and take another drink. My chest hurts so bad. I just want this to go away.  
"Okay Johanna, you need to focus. You have one month to pack everything up and leave. It is almost impossible but you CAN do it. You know of a vet who will buy your practice, the housing market is good right now so your house will sell in no time. The hardest step is telling your mom you're coming home" I say out loud. And when I do I get a deep plunge in my stomach. Shit! I have to tell my mom! I open my eyes again and reach for the phone and dial her number.  
"Hello?" He answers cheerfully.  
"Hi mama" I respond.  
"Oh Johanna! I am so happy to hear from you, I was getting so worried I haven't heard from you in 3 weeks!" She scolds.  
"Sorry about that, I was um busy. But mom I need to tell you something big" I tell her. I hear a sigh from the other end.  
"What is it? Did that Gerard guy hurt you?!" She questions raising her voice.  
"No mom! I am the one that's going to hurt him…**sigh** I am coming home" the other end of the line is silent but then she finally speaks.  
"But I thought you were so happy out there?" She asks.  
"I am. Well was. Things aren't working with me and Gerard." I tell her.  
"What is wrong? You guys were so in love. I thought you were gunna call me soon telling me you were engaged"  
"Mom, he has so many opportunities ahead of him. He wants to tour the country make music. I want to get married and have kids. With him that isn't going to happen. I just…." I can't finish because I start crying.  
"Shh. Shh. Honey it's okay tell me" My mom urges. I take a few deep breaths.  
"I just don't want that life style mom. I don't want to wait around at home alone while he is traveling the world, getting drunk. I want a life" I express to her. My crying gets stronger. This just hurts so much! Why aren't these pills working?!  
"Oh honey. I understand. When are you coming home?"  
"I am going to be there in a month" I hear her gasp on the other end.  
"Can you move that quickly?! Plus sell your practice?!"  
"Yes, mom I can and I will"  
"Okay, just let us know if you need anything. Keep in touch okay? I look forward to having you home"  
"I will love you mom"  
"Love you too sweetie" and with that she hangs up. I put the phone back on the counter and take a deep breath wiping away my tears when I hear barking. Pickles is standing next to me with an upset look on his face. He knows.  
"Yes we have to move Pickles, you me and…" shit! Batman. Can I take him? Should I? Of course I should! Gerard would never be around to take care of him any way! I look back at Pickles who still looks upset.  
"I know, You don't want to. But we have to okay? You'll love Colorado. There are mountains, fresh air, not so crowded. No Gerard" Now I feel happy. The pills are working! Pickles starts to wag his tail as if he understands. I pat him on his head and give him a kiss. The phone starts ringing. I pick it up and answer it.  
"Hello?" I ask cheerfully.  
"Hey baby" Gerard says drunkly on the other end. Shit! I forgot about him calling me. I have to think of something.  
"Hey babe, listen I am super bushed. Can I talk to you tomorrow?" I ask.  
"Yeah sure you sleep well I love you" My heart starts to hurt.  
"I love you too" and with that I hang up. How am I going to avoid his calls for a month? Just make them short and sweet. I head to my bedroom and flop on the bed. I better get to sleep I have a very busy day and month ahead of me.

It has been a month to the day since I have decided my fate with Gerard. My house sold very quick, same with my practice and car. I am leaving New Jersey with almost 1.5 Million in my pocket. More than enough to start my new life in Colorado. I stand in my empty house with Pickles and Batman. After some long convincing of the airlines, Pickles and Batman can be safely flown out to Colorado with me.  
I have kept things short and sweet with Gerard as I said I would. He doesn't seem to notice, just thinks I am busy with work. Every night I get so drunk that I've been waking up in random places in my house, from the bathroom to backyard in the grass. I just want to numb the pain, but once I get back to Colorado I am getting help. I know I have a problem, and I don't want it anymore.  
Gerard flies in tonight. He kept telling me how excited he was . Making me feel even more like shit. I cant believe I am doing this. But it has to happen. I can't live this life anymore. I take out a pencil and a piece of paper from my purse and write what is most likely going to be the hardest thing I'll ever write.

_Dear Gerard,  
I love you. I love you so much you can't even fathom how much I do and that is why I am doing this. I have left New Jersey. I sold my practice and our home. I did this because I couldn't take away your dream. I don't want what you want. I want to get married and have kids one day and with you I know it won't happen any time soon and I don't want to make you settle down and give up this dream. I can't keep getting drunk every night, waking up with no memory of the night before. I need to go back home and get my life back in order. I will never love anyone or anything as much as I love you. I know you will get famous and make a difference in other people's lives. You've already made such a difference in mine. In just one week you made me fall head over hills in love with you, you changed my life forever. You showed me what real love was, and if it weren't for you, I'd be marrying some abusive asshole thinking everything was okay and I can't thank you enough for that. I hope you understand. I've moved all of your stuff to Greg's Storage. Your locker number is 337. I am taking Batman with me, as a little part of you still in my life. I love you Gerard and always will. You will be OKAY I promise._

Love always and forever  
Johanna.

I grab a piece of tape and walk to the front door and tape it on there. I feel the tears coming down my face. This is the hardest thing I have had to do. But I can't regret this, I need to move on. I put the leash on Pickles and put Batman in a small portable crate. We walk out the door and I lock it for the last time. I put the boys in my car and stare at my house one last time and I fall to the ground crying. Will I ever be strong enough to get over this? Over him? I calm myself down and get into my car. Driving away and never looking back.

Please leave your comments and let me know what you think! Thanks to everyone who has commented your support means so much to me!


	27. Chapter 27

It is June 24th 2005. It has been 3 years since I last saw Gerard. I am living in a small town in Colorado about 1 hour away from Denver. I have started my life over. Starting by dying my hair a light blonde the moment I moved back to Colorado.  
I own an adoption center now, for all animals. From Cows to rats. I love everything about being back home. It wasn't until I got back I realized how much I missed it. My mom and dad were beyond ecstatic about me being back, but not the fact that I was getting drunk and high almost every night to numb out the pain of losing Gerard. They put me into a rehab program, where I got sober, I have been sober since late 2003. I had a couple relapses but so far I am doing good.  
I live with my best friend Arianna in a very big house. We have been friends since sophomore year In high school. She has always been there for me, I can trust her with almost everything except for anything about Gerard. Partly because I have tried to completely erase him from my life, that and she is a radio host. If she knew anything about me and him she would go crazy exposing it to the public and I can't risk that.  
Erasing Gerard and My Chemical Romance from my life has been easier than I thought. I Know they have made it, big. Mainly because I see kids wearing their T-shirts all the time, but I haven't listened to their new CD, watched any shows they have been on, or looked at any pictures of them and so far I am doing good, but not one day goes by that I don't think of him.  
I have dated several guys and even done some things I am not so proud of with them because I want to forget him so badly. But still after all these years nothing compares to the way he made me feel and I hate it. I havn't been able to have that life I told him I wanted because I can't find anyone that measures up to him. But recently I have been seeing this guy Ken. We aren't considered boyfriend and girlfriend but we have been seeing each other and well he makes me happy, not Gerard happy but one step below it and I am fine with that.

It is a Saturday today and that means the adoption center is closed, and I couldn't be happier. I walk out of my room and down the spiral staircase skipping steps as I do. At the bottom of the stairs is Pickles. He looks up at me and slowly wags his tail. Poor guy can't get up and down the stairs anymore. I lean down and give him a kiss on the nose and walk into the kitchen where I start making myself some coffee, when I hear Arianna coming down the stairs also, but not as perky as me. I hear her mumble something to Pickles before she turns the corner and comes into the kitchen. Her black hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun and she is wearing the same clothes I saw her wear last night when she left.  
"Good Morning!" I say cheerfully. She glares at me and grabs the pot of coffee pouring herself some.  
"I hate how cheerful you are in the mornings" She groans. I shrug and sit down at one of the barstools but the wrap around counter of our kitchen, she does the same.  
"Bad hangover?" I ask taking a sip of my coffee.  
"Yeah, worst part is I have to drive to Denver and go experience the Warped Tour." She complains. I just nod not saying anything, trying to avoid what I know she is going to ask next I stand up and walk into the living room, she calls after me.  
"Hey Jo! What if you go with me?!" She asks excitedly. I turn around and stare at her. Her once tired droopy eyes are now full of life and hope. I roll my eyes at her.  
"No" I simply say continuing walking.  
"Please! I ask you all the time but you never go because you have work, well guess what is fucking Saturday and you don't have to work so you're coming" She demands.  
"Um, no I'm not. I don't do concerts" I tell her while sitting on the black leather couch.  
" Yeah yeah I know you always say that. But come on! It has been 3 years, you've never gone, you've turned me down more than 100 times, you owe me!" She exclaims. I nearly choke on my coffee.  
"I owe you?! How?!" I demand  
" I do free commercial advertising for your adoption center, and with that commercial advertising I believe you said your adoption rates have improved by more than 90%? If I were to stop doing those you wouldn't have as much success now would you?" She crosses her arms and stares at me. Damn she plays a good game.  
"You wouldn't….." I say shocked.  
"No I wouldn't but pllllleeeaaasssseee come!" She begs again. I bite my bottom lip debating if I should go or not. She is right.  
"What bands are going?" I ask. She smiles and walks toward the office area, coming back a couple minutes later with a flyer. Printed on it is a list of all the bands. I scan the list not seeing their name anywhere so I sigh.  
"Just this one time got it?" I tell her. She smiles and jumps up and down then stops looks at her watch.  
"Well we have an hour to get ready plus the hour drive there so get your ass ready!" She says clapping her hands and then heading up the stairs. I shake my head and laugh at her as she does. I love her.

An hour later I stand in front of the mirror looking at myself. I haven't been to a concert in so long. I decide to wear a pair of shorts, a black t-shirt and a pair of white converse. I think I look decent. Blonde hair is up in a pony tail. I look closely in the mirror at it, my red roots are starting to show, that means I am going to have to make a hair appointment soon. Maybe I should change it back to red. Then a sudden flash of Gerard comes across my mind and a shake it out. Nope staying blonde.  
I hear a knock on the door distracting me from my thoughts. I walk over to the door and open it. In the doorway stands an absolutely drop dead gorgeous girl. I feel myself fill with envy. Arianna is dressed in short shorts, a pink bikini top and a pair of vans. Her black hair runs down her tanned shoulders. But when I look at her she is looking at me the way I am looking at her.  
"Damn girl! I hardly ever see you out of scrubs and sweat pants! You look good! You should put on a bikini top like me!" She suggests. Immediately I respond  
"No!" She gives me a weird look. "I feel more comfortable like this" I lie. If she were to see me in a bikini top she would see my tattoo and I definitely don't want that. She just shrugs and twirls the keys in her hand.  
"Lets go!" and we head out to her Red 2005 Mustang.

We arrive in Denver around 11:00 Am. Right when the concerts are starting. Arianna parks her car in a special VIP place handing her keys over to some young teenage boy who can't stop staring at us. She and I both giggle at him and keep walking. She loops arm through mine and we walk into the crowd of people.  
It is so cramped. I forgot about all of this and it is bringing back memories I don't want but I push them out of my head for her sake. She is so happy I am here.  
After 3 hours I am covered in sweat so is Arianna but we don't care. I am honestly having a great time right now. By the time a band called the 'All American Rejects" Is done playing she and I have made our way up to the very front.  
"I am so happy you are here Jo! This is honestly one of the best times I've had at a concert. You really know how to maneuver a crowd!" She compliments I smile.  
"Haha thanks." I respond he smiles a big smile at me. A bunch of Roadies come onto the stage and are setting up for another band. I take this time to flag down one of the water people at the front of the gate to get us water. He of course is young and keeps staring at us. We giggle again.  
"What is up with the younger guys today?" I ask. Arianna sips her water and shrugs.  
"Can't say I don't mind the attention" She says looking back at the boy and waving. He nearly drops all the water and we both laugh again.  
A taller guy comes up to the microphone and starts checking it along with the bass guitar, the drums and the other guitars. The crowd is getting restless wanting more music. The tall guys walks up to the microphone and says  
" As a surprise we a very special guest that wasn't featured for todays line up, but they have been nice enough to join us for this one stop. Please welcome to the stage MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE!" my heart drops and the crowd goes crazy. I feel a panic rising inside of me. Arianna is screaming next to me but I remain silent. Of course we are front and center when the come on. I take my sunglasses off from the top of my head and put them on and look at the ground. I feel a deep panic attack going on. Arianna turns to me and notices.  
"Whats wrong?" She yells over the screaming crowd.  
"WE have to go now!" I yell. She looks at me weird. From the corner of my eye I can see feet moving across the stage. My heart beats faster. I have to leave before he speaks or sings. I can't do this. I hop over the barrier between the stage and the crowd and I run as fast as I can back to where the car is covering my ears. When I get to the area where she parked the car all I can hear is the guitars no voices.  
I lean against a wall breathing heavily in and out. I feel the tears come into my eyes. What if he saw me? What if he recognized me? What if he tries to find me now?! The pain is here, it is back. I do what they told me in rehab, I think of a time when I was younger, a happy time. I go back to the time when I went camping with my uncle one of the happiest times of my life. Immediately I feel the pain ease away.  
"Jo! What is wrong?! What the fuck?!" I hear Arianna ask out of breath.  
"We need to leave" I tell her.  
"What why? I need to see them play so I can ask them questions for my show on Monday" I feel more pain come back.  
"What?! You knew they were going to play here?! You didn't tell me?!" I yell. She looks taken back and repsonds.  
"Well, yeah, every warped tour when they arnt playing with them they always make one stop for a show in Colorado. Just Colorado. Why what is the big deal?!" She asks again. So he has been here every year?! Just for Colorado? Why Colorado? Is he looking for me?! The pain is back and I grab my stomach and bend over.  
"Can we go please" I say quietly.  
"Jo what is wrong, please tell me I'm your best friend"  
"Ari I am to a drinking point right now" I tell her. Her eyes get wide. She knows when I say that, I am serious and not to ask any questions but just to help me. She nods and we head towards her car.

Woo! Hope you guys like the new Chapter!


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